The sound of trickling water joined the crying as he walked closer. At the far end of the hallway, he climbed over a few large slabs of broken marble that had jutted up from the floor and gazed at the smashed remains of the Ministry's fountain. The centaur's human part stood cracked in half and a spell had melted the wizard into a lump as low as the jagged remains of the elf. Water spurted weakly every which way from the bent spouts, drenching the floor, the rubble, and the many bodies surrounding the fountain. I really like this imagery. Really creepy.
After a second glance, he realized it wasn't an angel, but whoever it was had wings set in the middle of his back, the feathers dirty and streaked with mud. Whether his robes had been torn off or if he simply couldn't wear a shirt because of those wings, Harry wasn't sure. Face down with his head buried in his arms, the angel curled up and extended a wing over his shoulder and head, trying to hide. Harry stood entranced for a moment, watching the bones move under the skin and wet feathers. I can really picture that. Which doesn’t happen often for me, really good work there.
"And all his Death Eaters," Harry said. "I killed most of them. I wish I'd done in Bellatrix but I forgive you for getting her first. I think I'd forgive you anything." Yeah for possessive and dark Harry. The dialogue right there even sounds Harry, which is hard, so good work.
Harry gently seized his chin and forced him to meet his gaze. "Answer me." Really hot image there.
"Are you doing this on purpose?" Harry refused to let go. "Making me attracted? Are you?" Sounds like something Harry would say, just the right mix of insanity and childishness. Cause he’s clearly insane.
The walls around them shuddered and pebbles and dust showered down from upper levels, but Harry only cared about setting Draco back on the ground. Draco's soft skin, his damp eyes, and that hard pull he felt towards him all drove him to distraction, but Harry was not so lost that he would hurt his veela needlessly. Draco was beautiful. It would be a shame to break him. Kind of detached and interwoven at the same time. I like that.
Harry blinked. He'd always thought that boys could just take it without any problems, just like girls. He'd never considered otherwise. Later on he'd ask Hermione about veela and sex, once they'd settled into improving society. Okay, that’s the HHR shipper in me talking, but yeah for Harry connecting Hermione with sex/romance some more! And I like the implication of them being partners changing the world for the ‘better’ with lots of ruthless darkness.
I think the ending is just right, adding more would ruin it. I like that it’s kind of a pretty, detached, sort of, since I don’t know another word for it, gothic piece.
My only quibble is that you say ‘Hermione and Ron’ when Harry’s supposed to say ‘Ron and Hermione.’
writers love critics when they're complimentarykc_anathemaMarch 16 2006, 03:18:47 UTC
Kewlies! I'll switch the 'Ron and Hermione' thing and give it a couple more proofs just to make sure I didn't miss anything, and fire it off.
I wasn't even thinking about the H/Hr thing, I just figured that if Harry ever asks questions, he'd rather ask her than look anything up. She's like his personal internet.
Re: writers love critics when they're complimentarya_white_rainMarch 16 2006, 03:23:16 UTC
It's just you connected it with sex. And that happens so much in canon, it's sad. He looked at Hermione right after kissing Ginny. Even your gay Harry wants Hermione. XD
Re: writers love critics when they're complimentarya_white_rainMarch 16 2006, 03:46:47 UTC
Or you've read my journal and I've infected you! Infected!
(On a side note, when you read books 2-5 before HBP came out, which pairing did you think would become canon? I meant to ask you, but i keep forgetting.)
Re: writers love critics when they're complimentarykc_anathemaMarch 16 2006, 03:57:18 UTC
That must be it, I've read all your essays and they're catching.
To be honest, I was sure it'd be Hermione/Ron just because Rowling had seemed to set them up as loyal retainers. She treats them a lot like 3CPO and R2D2 in Star Wars, tossed in for laughs, for whenever the hero needs them. But then again I figured hero gets the girl, the other girls had no chemistry with Harry and didn't seem to be going anywhere, so I figured she might kill off Ron and let Harry catch Hermione on the rebound.
The sound of trickling water joined the crying as he walked closer. At the far end of the hallway, he climbed over a few large slabs of broken marble that had jutted up from the floor and gazed at the smashed remains of the Ministry's fountain. The centaur's human part stood cracked in half and a spell had melted the wizard into a lump as low as the jagged remains of the elf. Water spurted weakly every which way from the bent spouts, drenching the floor, the rubble, and the many bodies surrounding the fountain.
I really like this imagery. Really creepy.
After a second glance, he realized it wasn't an angel, but whoever it was had wings set in the middle of his back, the feathers dirty and streaked with mud. Whether his robes had been torn off or if he simply couldn't wear a shirt because of those wings, Harry wasn't sure. Face down with his head buried in his arms, the angel curled up and extended a wing over his shoulder and head, trying to hide. Harry stood entranced for a moment, watching the bones move under the skin and wet feathers.
I can really picture that. Which doesn’t happen often for me, really good work there.
"And all his Death Eaters," Harry said. "I killed most of them. I wish I'd done in Bellatrix but I forgive you for getting her first. I think I'd forgive you anything."
Yeah for possessive and dark Harry. The dialogue right there even sounds Harry, which is hard, so good work.
Harry gently seized his chin and forced him to meet his gaze. "Answer me."
Really hot image there.
"Are you doing this on purpose?" Harry refused to let go. "Making me attracted? Are you?"
Sounds like something Harry would say, just the right mix of insanity and childishness. Cause he’s clearly insane.
The walls around them shuddered and pebbles and dust showered down from upper levels, but Harry only cared about setting Draco back on the ground. Draco's soft skin, his damp eyes, and that hard pull he felt towards him all drove him to distraction, but Harry was not so lost that he would hurt his veela needlessly. Draco was beautiful. It would be a shame to break him.
Kind of detached and interwoven at the same time. I like that.
Harry blinked. He'd always thought that boys could just take it without any problems, just like girls. He'd never considered otherwise. Later on he'd ask Hermione about veela and sex, once they'd settled into improving society.
Okay, that’s the HHR shipper in me talking, but yeah for Harry connecting Hermione with sex/romance some more! And I like the implication of them being partners changing the world for the ‘better’ with lots of ruthless darkness.
I think the ending is just right, adding more would ruin it. I like that it’s kind of a pretty, detached, sort of, since I don’t know another word for it, gothic piece.
My only quibble is that you say ‘Hermione and Ron’ when Harry’s supposed to say ‘Ron and Hermione.’
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I wasn't even thinking about the H/Hr thing, I just figured that if Harry ever asks questions, he'd rather ask her than look anything up. She's like his personal internet.
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(On a side note, when you read books 2-5 before HBP came out, which pairing did you think would become canon? I meant to ask you, but i keep forgetting.)
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To be honest, I was sure it'd be Hermione/Ron just because Rowling had seemed to set them up as loyal retainers. She treats them a lot like 3CPO and R2D2 in Star Wars, tossed in for laughs, for whenever the hero needs them. But then again I figured hero gets the girl, the other girls had no chemistry with Harry and didn't seem to be going anywhere, so I figured she might kill off Ron and let Harry catch Hermione on the rebound.
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She kind of forgot to give Hermione and Ron a reason to have tension. It just reads as them not suited to one another.
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Ron just seems unsuited for anyone, I think. But then I don't like him 'cause I love Draco so much.
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I like Ron/Draco.
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