muddled
"for i am a bear of very little brain, and long words bother me." -pooh bear
"we turned at a dozen paces, for love is a duel, and looked up at each other for the last time." -jack kerouac
Well, it's been a crazy few days!
Wednesday I went to get my oil changed, and when I turned my car on buckets full of water shot out of my muffler... this worried me, but I guess it was fine. AND something is like stuck in the fan, so whenever I turn the heat on it sounds like there's some animal clucking inside my engine. I don't know what to do about it really. I love my car, it's so sweet. But it's been screaming at me lately.
So I visited a lot of friends yesterday; I got to see some friends from high school btu we couldn't think of much to do so it didn't last very long, and it made me kind of sad because it was sort of like one of the last times I might see them. I guess though, things change, and etc etc... I have to not be all nostalgic.
And I saw John for a bit, but I can't say that went all that well. I feel like we don't have anything to talk about. And I like him, but it just doesn't feel real. Maybe it's because neither of us have done much lately anyways so there isn't anything to discuss besides the weather.
Then I went to Jane's and we talked with Emma for a bit and then we went to Bull Feeney's for a bit, and Pat (john's friend pat. not the drummer pat.) was there so I talked with him, and a bunch of Colin's friends from NH that were visiting, and then Kelly came and we hung out too.
Skipping the rest of all that to today; woke up latish and around 3 went to a late lunch with Kelly and Colin and Jane, it was fun; but earlier I had done all this apartment stuff and none of it was working out so I was wanting to cry the whole time because I was stressed about it. Basically, I keep going between the landlords and the bank trying to figure this shit out and I just want them to have this conversation:
Bank: yes, kate's a responsible person, she doesn't overdraw her checking, she has some money.
Landlord: Ok sweet, we'll call her and tell her that they can move in
And then Jess wouldn't be homeless!
DAMMMMITTT!
But things aren't simple, unfortunately.
So. I don't know what to do. It's basically out of my hands now and I'm just praying that it works out. I want to live there. I want to live SOMEWHERE other than the dorm.
Then I came home.
I just feel all torn up lately, maybe it's the rain. Rain usually calms me, though; but I just have all these big decisions
and problems
1. I haven't any money! And I dont work for another 3 weeks besides the few lessons here and there.. no one wanted to hire me for just a month. So I can't think of any way to make spending money in the next few weeks. :-(
2. I want to find a place to live for September, and I want to help Jess find a place to live for... next week!
3. I need to go up to Orono to play music with my brother before I have to leave.
4. BOYS. My dad and mum told me that you'll know when you meet the person you want to marry. So what if you think you did, but you don't know if they'll ever "be ready"? Do you wait it out? Or do you try to make it work with the person you're dating that could potentially be great but isn't because you're so stuck on the person you're really in love with? How is this mess possible?
5. Friends. Where ARE all my old friends? No one's around. I miss them. And I live so far away from everything.
6. School. Two more years. I want it to be over, and I want it to end well so that I can get a good job. One that I like. My dream job.
summer camp. I leave in 24 days.
i feel all torn up. I think it's going to be really good to get away from things for two months. i'll come back, different?
much different i suppose. working 14 hour days every day for 60 days with handicapped children has to change you, right? and i could use change. i wonder if i'll have the balls to, right before i leave, say outright: "i'm in love with you. and i need to know two things
a. do you feel/see anything that i feel/see?
and if so
b. what's the problem?
(yeah right. like i'll EVER say anything remotely close to that. i'll just circle around it a billion more times so as not to scare anyone off. i mean, that's worked so far, right? the few times it's been jokingly brought up?) oh, jeff coggins. are you reading this right now? am i insane?
"i just realized that when you figure out you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you want the rest of your life to start right away." (what movie is that from?)
I know. I'm irrational, and I'm obsessive.
Could it be that I'm NOT really in love, and it's just that
ack. I'm sorry.
If someone actually read all of this entry, I apologize. Sincerely.
and i'm out
"we turned at a dozen paces, for love is a duel, and looked up at each other for the last time." -jack kerouac
Well, it's been a crazy few days!
Wednesday I went to get my oil changed, and when I turned my car on buckets full of water shot out of my muffler... this worried me, but I guess it was fine. AND something is like stuck in the fan, so whenever I turn the heat on it sounds like there's some animal clucking inside my engine. I don't know what to do about it really. I love my car, it's so sweet. But it's been screaming at me lately.
So I visited a lot of friends yesterday; I got to see some friends from high school btu we couldn't think of much to do so it didn't last very long, and it made me kind of sad because it was sort of like one of the last times I might see them. I guess though, things change, and etc etc... I have to not be all nostalgic.
And I saw John for a bit, but I can't say that went all that well. I feel like we don't have anything to talk about. And I like him, but it just doesn't feel real. Maybe it's because neither of us have done much lately anyways so there isn't anything to discuss besides the weather.
Then I went to Jane's and we talked with Emma for a bit and then we went to Bull Feeney's for a bit, and Pat (john's friend pat. not the drummer pat.) was there so I talked with him, and a bunch of Colin's friends from NH that were visiting, and then Kelly came and we hung out too.
Skipping the rest of all that to today; woke up latish and around 3 went to a late lunch with Kelly and Colin and Jane, it was fun; but earlier I had done all this apartment stuff and none of it was working out so I was wanting to cry the whole time because I was stressed about it. Basically, I keep going between the landlords and the bank trying to figure this shit out and I just want them to have this conversation:
Bank: yes, kate's a responsible person, she doesn't overdraw her checking, she has some money.
Landlord: Ok sweet, we'll call her and tell her that they can move in
And then Jess wouldn't be homeless!
DAMMMMITTT!
But things aren't simple, unfortunately.
So. I don't know what to do. It's basically out of my hands now and I'm just praying that it works out. I want to live there. I want to live SOMEWHERE other than the dorm.
Then I came home.
I just feel all torn up lately, maybe it's the rain. Rain usually calms me, though; but I just have all these big decisions
and problems
1. I haven't any money! And I dont work for another 3 weeks besides the few lessons here and there.. no one wanted to hire me for just a month. So I can't think of any way to make spending money in the next few weeks. :-(
2. I want to find a place to live for September, and I want to help Jess find a place to live for... next week!
3. I need to go up to Orono to play music with my brother before I have to leave.
4. BOYS. My dad and mum told me that you'll know when you meet the person you want to marry. So what if you think you did, but you don't know if they'll ever "be ready"? Do you wait it out? Or do you try to make it work with the person you're dating that could potentially be great but isn't because you're so stuck on the person you're really in love with? How is this mess possible?
5. Friends. Where ARE all my old friends? No one's around. I miss them. And I live so far away from everything.
6. School. Two more years. I want it to be over, and I want it to end well so that I can get a good job. One that I like. My dream job.
summer camp. I leave in 24 days.
i feel all torn up. I think it's going to be really good to get away from things for two months. i'll come back, different?
much different i suppose. working 14 hour days every day for 60 days with handicapped children has to change you, right? and i could use change. i wonder if i'll have the balls to, right before i leave, say outright: "i'm in love with you. and i need to know two things
a. do you feel/see anything that i feel/see?
and if so
b. what's the problem?
(yeah right. like i'll EVER say anything remotely close to that. i'll just circle around it a billion more times so as not to scare anyone off. i mean, that's worked so far, right? the few times it's been jokingly brought up?) oh, jeff coggins. are you reading this right now? am i insane?
"i just realized that when you figure out you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you want the rest of your life to start right away." (what movie is that from?)
I know. I'm irrational, and I'm obsessive.
Could it be that I'm NOT really in love, and it's just that
ack. I'm sorry.
If someone actually read all of this entry, I apologize. Sincerely.
and i'm out