Hatred
What's wrong with me? I hate feeling this way. It feels like I'm not even all the way here. I'm crying and so absolutely upset...I hate this feeling. I hate that I don't know who to talk to. I hate that I know things. I hate it hate it hate it!
Today I found out something I'd rather not have know about an old, good friend of mine. I don't even know who she is anymore. I hate the influences she's around. I hate the society of today. I hate that "it" exists!!
I hate college. I hate that I'm stuck at home...there's no other way with five dogs. I love my dogs more than getting away. I just...feel so trapped and surrounded and alone all at the same time.
I want to be able to go to a place that's mine...away from everyone else. My room isn't that much of a getaway. Everyone sees when I come and go. They all know what my business is. They use my stuff or throw it away without asking. I want my own little kitchen. I don't like to race to the microwave or find an empty fridge when it was full just a few days ago. I just want to get away. I hate being limited! I hate my options! I hate that I have no idea what I'll do in college. I hate that everyone thinks college is all there is. I hate that the world revolves around money. I hate that people talk about other people. I hate it when people lie. I hate soggy ground. I hate having a stuffy nose after crying. I hate that people like me (who over-worry) are like fifty bajillion times more likely to have a heart attack or get heart disease.
I hate hated.
I love my family. I love my friends. I love my dogs. I hate feeling this way. It's not all of them....it's me.
Mom put me on Zoloft again about 3 days ago. Maybe it will block this feelings. Nothing else does.
Today I found out something I'd rather not have know about an old, good friend of mine. I don't even know who she is anymore. I hate the influences she's around. I hate the society of today. I hate that "it" exists!!
I hate college. I hate that I'm stuck at home...there's no other way with five dogs. I love my dogs more than getting away. I just...feel so trapped and surrounded and alone all at the same time.
I want to be able to go to a place that's mine...away from everyone else. My room isn't that much of a getaway. Everyone sees when I come and go. They all know what my business is. They use my stuff or throw it away without asking. I want my own little kitchen. I don't like to race to the microwave or find an empty fridge when it was full just a few days ago. I just want to get away. I hate being limited! I hate my options! I hate that I have no idea what I'll do in college. I hate that everyone thinks college is all there is. I hate that the world revolves around money. I hate that people talk about other people. I hate it when people lie. I hate soggy ground. I hate having a stuffy nose after crying. I hate that people like me (who over-worry) are like fifty bajillion times more likely to have a heart attack or get heart disease.
I hate hated.
I love my family. I love my friends. I love my dogs. I hate feeling this way. It's not all of them....it's me.
Mom put me on Zoloft again about 3 days ago. Maybe it will block this feelings. Nothing else does.