(no subject)
Today, the first Tuesday since I stopped seeing my psychotherapist, I didn't go out - not to the shop, or to knitting group, or to visit a friend like I said I would.
And now it's so late it's early, and I'm still doing nothing, and I just heard myself planning the excuse to my friend, that I felt insane today.
Gee, I wonder if there's a connection.
It's slightly terrifying, actually. Not just not having that support any more, but thinking that I might be 'better' - the extensions of which being that maybe I'm just lazy when I don't get up, and maybe I really should be doing more, and maybe this is all I'll ever manage, which is vaguely content but with a pile of regrets - and thinking that I might not - extensions include worrying about another downward slide and 'holy shit what if something happens that I can't cope with and what if...'
It should be a good thing, that I'm not seeing him any more, and it is, when it isn't three in the morning after a litany of failures. And I'm hungry, which never helps, so I shall eat and sleep and then I shall do at least some of the things I didn't do today.
And now it's so late it's early, and I'm still doing nothing, and I just heard myself planning the excuse to my friend, that I felt insane today.
Gee, I wonder if there's a connection.
It's slightly terrifying, actually. Not just not having that support any more, but thinking that I might be 'better' - the extensions of which being that maybe I'm just lazy when I don't get up, and maybe I really should be doing more, and maybe this is all I'll ever manage, which is vaguely content but with a pile of regrets - and thinking that I might not - extensions include worrying about another downward slide and 'holy shit what if something happens that I can't cope with and what if...'
It should be a good thing, that I'm not seeing him any more, and it is, when it isn't three in the morning after a litany of failures. And I'm hungry, which never helps, so I shall eat and sleep and then I shall do at least some of the things I didn't do today.