To all my loves
I've been keeping myself fairly busy, so I haven't let myself just sit down for any extended period of quiet time. It's nearly 2 am here and since tomorrow is a holiday, I'm planning to do my MASSIVE WRITING DAY to email and post and upload the few photos that I've managed to take(mainly me in bad lighting).
I'll like to say thanks to everyone (Cass Wufan Denise Michelle Vanessa Syl who called (never did receive that text unfortunately) Faith Joey Sharmaine Sarah Yuelin Jasmine Luke Fabian Michelle Uncle Quee Uncle Tan Aunt Mary the nephews) who came to see me off. It was a big of a strange feeling because I've never done a 'call more than four people to come and gather due to something in relation to me' kinda thing. Ever. Seriously, I've never had like a huge class birthday party - the birthday lunch denise organised was probably the largest gathering of that sort (aside from last thursday's - i feel so strange saying last thursday, it seems so long ago and so distant) that ever happened to me. >.< So I was pretty nervy because I felt to some irrational extent that I was making a big thing about something that wasn't so big (which might go some length to explain the short notice thing). But THANKS YOU GUYS, because it was a beautiful, wonderful awesome memory that I brought to australia and it'll be something I'd think back often about and smile (perhaps randomly and weirdly in public places, but who cares!) Those that weren't able to make it, I STILL LOVE YOU. Also thank you Jas Yuelin Sarah <3333 for that wonderful night at Amara (which makes it sound like we were in some orgy, but not so racy lah, more like the PG version of drunken debauchery) thank you denise for that lunch, thank you wufan michelle joey faith and ying dan for the wonderful dinner and night out and helen for coming to see me.
Everytime I look at the letters or the presents or think of the people and the hugs, I get a really nice achey feeling (that perhaps says more about my masochistic tendencies than anything else). I can't really say thank you enough and I wish I could be there for your Changi departures or your pre-uni celebrations.
I've got a pretty good handle on the emo at the moment, i guess it's all about active choice and reconfiguring the inside of one's brain wirings. The hardest part was probably when I crossed the first threshold at the departure gate and when I turned back and saw everyone on the left at the glass waving and just being there to see me off. That was when it properly struck me that I was going to do all this alone. I stopped the trolley and waved back, pushed it forward a bit and waved back, pushed it forward a bit and looked back then finally steeled myself and continued pushing and looking to my right instead.
I read all the letters on the plane and smiled dorkily at them and chewed on Wufan's baked goodness and set there for a moment to let everything settle. I saw your book and opened it up as you said, Jas, but I didn't read through the whole book - because I really didn't want to start crying on the plane. (It is a lovely lovely gift though)
Because I don't want to be too sad really. Because sad has too many finalities that I don't really want to accept as inevitable. And really, I have this incredible opportunity in front of me and so many close friends that love me. And these are GOOD things, so why be sad when there is so much Good things to feel blessed about?
So instead I'll be achey XD
I'm going to carry that ache with me; but it's a good sort of ache, not a bad sort of ache. It's the kind of ache that gathers heavily in my chest (almost like a prelude to tears but not) and weighes me down in a good way (here I am thinking about the unbearable lightness of being hah!). This is an ache that carries all your best wishes and love, all my memories with you, all of your wonderfulness and friendships, a distilled concentrate of my time with you guys. It'll always be with me, whether in the forefront of my mind or not, and it's almost like the feeling of multiple invisible strings spanning from you guys to my heart, tugging at it from time to time whenever I'm thinking about you all (direct connection man).
I haven't cried yet, perhaps I won't (not for a long time at least - I've always been a repressive crier), perhaps I will when I see your pictures or reread your letters or touch your gifts. I've always been more of an achey heart person rather than a tears person anyway. But know this, that I love and adore all of you and always.
I know my dad says all these cynical things about friendships and time and fading, but at least for now, keep the knowledge of this love as a truth of the moment, a truth of the present - and what are our lives but moments of the present all strung up together? So keep this as a Truth and I hope that when the loneliness hits, you'll have more than enough in your arsenal to fight it.
It's 2.44 in the morning here. I'm such a night owl. I just cooked dinner for my sick cousin and I - pictures will be up soon so you can all marvel at my incredible cooking skills - i made vegetable mountains. I met cool retirees on the plane - they'd just come back from an Eastern European tour and the guy who's like 70 plus still goes skiing and lawn bowling and stuff, while his wife goes to all the cultural stuff - plays, musicals, ballets, dances etc. What a life! He was really nice and friendly and gave me a quick geography lesson, so adorable. They were so happy when the air stewardesses came around serving hot chocolate and icecream. I guess they were a wonderful anti-emo weapon. I got their number! XD
I'm turning in now. The weather's not so bad today. I'm introducing my cousin to Rilke.
Love and missing you all.
Veron
I'll like to say thanks to everyone (Cass Wufan Denise Michelle Vanessa Syl who called (never did receive that text unfortunately) Faith Joey Sharmaine Sarah Yuelin Jasmine Luke Fabian Michelle Uncle Quee Uncle Tan Aunt Mary the nephews) who came to see me off. It was a big of a strange feeling because I've never done a 'call more than four people to come and gather due to something in relation to me' kinda thing. Ever. Seriously, I've never had like a huge class birthday party - the birthday lunch denise organised was probably the largest gathering of that sort (aside from last thursday's - i feel so strange saying last thursday, it seems so long ago and so distant) that ever happened to me. >.< So I was pretty nervy because I felt to some irrational extent that I was making a big thing about something that wasn't so big (which might go some length to explain the short notice thing). But THANKS YOU GUYS, because it was a beautiful, wonderful awesome memory that I brought to australia and it'll be something I'd think back often about and smile (perhaps randomly and weirdly in public places, but who cares!) Those that weren't able to make it, I STILL LOVE YOU. Also thank you Jas Yuelin Sarah <3333 for that wonderful night at Amara (which makes it sound like we were in some orgy, but not so racy lah, more like the PG version of drunken debauchery) thank you denise for that lunch, thank you wufan michelle joey faith and ying dan for the wonderful dinner and night out and helen for coming to see me.
Everytime I look at the letters or the presents or think of the people and the hugs, I get a really nice achey feeling (that perhaps says more about my masochistic tendencies than anything else). I can't really say thank you enough and I wish I could be there for your Changi departures or your pre-uni celebrations.
I've got a pretty good handle on the emo at the moment, i guess it's all about active choice and reconfiguring the inside of one's brain wirings. The hardest part was probably when I crossed the first threshold at the departure gate and when I turned back and saw everyone on the left at the glass waving and just being there to see me off. That was when it properly struck me that I was going to do all this alone. I stopped the trolley and waved back, pushed it forward a bit and waved back, pushed it forward a bit and looked back then finally steeled myself and continued pushing and looking to my right instead.
I read all the letters on the plane and smiled dorkily at them and chewed on Wufan's baked goodness and set there for a moment to let everything settle. I saw your book and opened it up as you said, Jas, but I didn't read through the whole book - because I really didn't want to start crying on the plane. (It is a lovely lovely gift though)
Because I don't want to be too sad really. Because sad has too many finalities that I don't really want to accept as inevitable. And really, I have this incredible opportunity in front of me and so many close friends that love me. And these are GOOD things, so why be sad when there is so much Good things to feel blessed about?
So instead I'll be achey XD
I'm going to carry that ache with me; but it's a good sort of ache, not a bad sort of ache. It's the kind of ache that gathers heavily in my chest (almost like a prelude to tears but not) and weighes me down in a good way (here I am thinking about the unbearable lightness of being hah!). This is an ache that carries all your best wishes and love, all my memories with you, all of your wonderfulness and friendships, a distilled concentrate of my time with you guys. It'll always be with me, whether in the forefront of my mind or not, and it's almost like the feeling of multiple invisible strings spanning from you guys to my heart, tugging at it from time to time whenever I'm thinking about you all (direct connection man).
I haven't cried yet, perhaps I won't (not for a long time at least - I've always been a repressive crier), perhaps I will when I see your pictures or reread your letters or touch your gifts. I've always been more of an achey heart person rather than a tears person anyway. But know this, that I love and adore all of you and always.
I know my dad says all these cynical things about friendships and time and fading, but at least for now, keep the knowledge of this love as a truth of the moment, a truth of the present - and what are our lives but moments of the present all strung up together? So keep this as a Truth and I hope that when the loneliness hits, you'll have more than enough in your arsenal to fight it.
It's 2.44 in the morning here. I'm such a night owl. I just cooked dinner for my sick cousin and I - pictures will be up soon so you can all marvel at my incredible cooking skills - i made vegetable mountains. I met cool retirees on the plane - they'd just come back from an Eastern European tour and the guy who's like 70 plus still goes skiing and lawn bowling and stuff, while his wife goes to all the cultural stuff - plays, musicals, ballets, dances etc. What a life! He was really nice and friendly and gave me a quick geography lesson, so adorable. They were so happy when the air stewardesses came around serving hot chocolate and icecream. I guess they were a wonderful anti-emo weapon. I got their number! XD
I'm turning in now. The weather's not so bad today. I'm introducing my cousin to Rilke.
Love and missing you all.
Veron