(no subject)
So here's an odd ponderpot of sorts:
Basically every "relationship" I've been in has either been some dating-type of situation or something that started out that way and stumbled into dating despite me. And here I am in a another thing that would most appropriately be called dating (the "boyfriend" "girlfriend" titles are adopted without any equivocation) and it's the longest I've ever been in one.......which means 5 weeks. Yet somehow, I'm just feeling that i just plain don't like dating. Of course I enjoy it, of course there's sweet moments and times where you're like "well if I went back to being single maybe it would suck". But I liked being single. Sure I enjoy coming home to a girl or having them cook me dinner or going to nice restaurants and ordering wine with them....but I never feel like I'm 100% there.
Case in point: Tonight was Valentine's Day. I went to bed early tomorrow so I could get in work at Virginia an hour and a half earlier than everyone else so I could end my 10 hour day at a decent hour for the dinner reservations I made a week in advance. Everything went fine. Picked her up, smiles, deep looks, hand holding, term or 2 of endearment. And I admit I'm a big gaywad and somehow enjoy the sweet, quiet moments when you're at a crowded restaurant yet sectioned off or the moment before dropping someone off or the call they give you as you're driving home. All great. All what make relationships worthwhile. But I just don't really seem to care. Overall, I don't think it means anything or adds up to anything at all.
And even though I like to think I'm good boyfriend material because I make the dinner reservations or bring the unexpected gifts, a single rose or a card; when I'm out a nice restaurant or even lounging at home on the couch, I'd rather be saying offensive things, having time alone or getting drunk. It's been like that with every girl. It seems as though I'm really committed, but my head is never there. When it's over, I look back on it and wonder how it could've ended when everything was going so great? Then I realize what I was thinking about when it was all going on "When is this over?" "Do i really have to be talking on the phone this long with someone?" "Will it seems rude if I'd rather hang out with my friends?" "If I'm 100% honest will they get mad at me for something?"
I'm just going to chalk this all up to the fact that I've been up since 5:30 this morning and am just winding down so I'm not really feeling anything, despite what day it is. Let's be honest though; Valentine's Day is a bunch of bullshit anyways...but then again, that's what I've felt about relationships.
Probably shouldn't have said any of that and just focused on how I've been dating someone longer than all my past relationships and she really seems to like me. But isn't that the problem?
Basically every "relationship" I've been in has either been some dating-type of situation or something that started out that way and stumbled into dating despite me. And here I am in a another thing that would most appropriately be called dating (the "boyfriend" "girlfriend" titles are adopted without any equivocation) and it's the longest I've ever been in one.......which means 5 weeks. Yet somehow, I'm just feeling that i just plain don't like dating. Of course I enjoy it, of course there's sweet moments and times where you're like "well if I went back to being single maybe it would suck". But I liked being single. Sure I enjoy coming home to a girl or having them cook me dinner or going to nice restaurants and ordering wine with them....but I never feel like I'm 100% there.
Case in point: Tonight was Valentine's Day. I went to bed early tomorrow so I could get in work at Virginia an hour and a half earlier than everyone else so I could end my 10 hour day at a decent hour for the dinner reservations I made a week in advance. Everything went fine. Picked her up, smiles, deep looks, hand holding, term or 2 of endearment. And I admit I'm a big gaywad and somehow enjoy the sweet, quiet moments when you're at a crowded restaurant yet sectioned off or the moment before dropping someone off or the call they give you as you're driving home. All great. All what make relationships worthwhile. But I just don't really seem to care. Overall, I don't think it means anything or adds up to anything at all.
And even though I like to think I'm good boyfriend material because I make the dinner reservations or bring the unexpected gifts, a single rose or a card; when I'm out a nice restaurant or even lounging at home on the couch, I'd rather be saying offensive things, having time alone or getting drunk. It's been like that with every girl. It seems as though I'm really committed, but my head is never there. When it's over, I look back on it and wonder how it could've ended when everything was going so great? Then I realize what I was thinking about when it was all going on "When is this over?" "Do i really have to be talking on the phone this long with someone?" "Will it seems rude if I'd rather hang out with my friends?" "If I'm 100% honest will they get mad at me for something?"
I'm just going to chalk this all up to the fact that I've been up since 5:30 this morning and am just winding down so I'm not really feeling anything, despite what day it is. Let's be honest though; Valentine's Day is a bunch of bullshit anyways...but then again, that's what I've felt about relationships.
Probably shouldn't have said any of that and just focused on how I've been dating someone longer than all my past relationships and she really seems to like me. But isn't that the problem?