(Untitled)

[kazk]

i finished that story i was working on!

check it out @ wpham.com under fiction: "the unlimited savagery."

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Comments

[sfk_for_short]

I especially enjoy the 3rd paragraph's content. It really paints quite a picture. :)

The one suggestion I'd like to make is to be careful about run-on sentences. Maybe that was the style you chose to use, but really, I think some of the sentences are divided up so oddly that it hurts rather than helps your story. There are very long-winded strings of narrative in many parts that use only commas to create *brief* pauses, which makes some of it read a bit like a tongue twister, and then you have sentence fragments that follow right after -- I'm not sure what you're trying to achieve with your choice of punctuation. I think you need to use some em dashes, colons, semi-colons, periods, or something. Your sentences are so overfowing with dependent clauses that I don't think commas alone can handle them.

[sfk_for_short]

Woops, 3rd paragraph of the excerpt. I didn't realize till just no that this was part of a larger story cuz I just skipped to the LJ cut. :P Upon skimming the rest of it, I think my previous comments still apply.

[kazk]

the rhythm and pacing of this narrator's voice was a very deliberate choice, influenced in part by jose saramago, and largely by the works i've been reading for a class on testimonial fiction. it's an experiment, because usually i write to my own cadence of speech; things like emdashes, colons, and semicolons are all over most of my fiction.

it's supposed to be a bit of a tongue-twister to read out loud, because the narrator is in no state of mind to carefully partition out his words, nor is he in a state of mind to speak naturally, or write naturally (the method of how he is relating this story is purposely ambiguous).

the intended effects of my stylistics here are very much a part of what's actually being addressed in the narrative itself, in terms of trauma, memory, language, and the failure of objectivity in relation to all of the above.

thanks for taking the time to comment! let me know what you think of the entire story if you get a chance to push through it.