(no subject)
...I will learn the LJ cut. I really will.
This will be a juvenile angst.
I have been experiencing a new swing of depression and angst, like it came back with a vengeance. I refuse to see someone though, since they will only up my medication and it will pass anyways, just like the last one. I don't want to be on it anymore. Which is stupid, because it actually seems to help, so why should I go off it? So fucking childish.
I still want to scream, punch, cry, or hide from everything. And feeling that way makes me feel like a child. Others have it so much worse, what gives me the right? It's so stupid, so fucking stupid. But I still feel that way.
I want to get over my insecurities. I want to be able to open up. To not flinch away from him. To not feel like I have to run for my safety. I want to be NORMAL. I want to feel safe. I don't think I ever will. I don't want him to wait for me to get over my stupid fears. I want him to be happy NOW. I want him to find someone to make him happy. I will not be that person. Ever. I know for a fact I won't be. I don't know how or why I know, but I know it. I cannot make him happy. I cannot give him what he needs. The more he tries, the more miserable he gets, and it hurts. So much.
I don't know. Maybe I HAVE lost my mind.
This will be a juvenile angst.
I have been experiencing a new swing of depression and angst, like it came back with a vengeance. I refuse to see someone though, since they will only up my medication and it will pass anyways, just like the last one. I don't want to be on it anymore. Which is stupid, because it actually seems to help, so why should I go off it? So fucking childish.
I still want to scream, punch, cry, or hide from everything. And feeling that way makes me feel like a child. Others have it so much worse, what gives me the right? It's so stupid, so fucking stupid. But I still feel that way.
I want to get over my insecurities. I want to be able to open up. To not flinch away from him. To not feel like I have to run for my safety. I want to be NORMAL. I want to feel safe. I don't think I ever will. I don't want him to wait for me to get over my stupid fears. I want him to be happy NOW. I want him to find someone to make him happy. I will not be that person. Ever. I know for a fact I won't be. I don't know how or why I know, but I know it. I cannot make him happy. I cannot give him what he needs. The more he tries, the more miserable he gets, and it hurts. So much.
I don't know. Maybe I HAVE lost my mind.