So what's been going on then
I haven't updated this thing in years, which I suppose is a sign of the times. In a period of time where relevance is quite literally a flash in the pan, with things like Twitter and Vine and Tumblr, one could rarely find any true relevance with LJ anymore. There's got to be a sizeable user base though, if the website hasn't gone the way of MySpace.
Man how weird is that? LiveJournal is hanging on where MySpace failed, how crazy is that?
So... I suppose that I'm not really typing this out for anyone's benefit but myself. I haven't really vented my own mental lunacy in such a long time that this perennial state of stress and unease is just my grounded state of being. Really that's no way for anyone to live, and the fact that I've just gotten into this mentality of 'oh I'm used to it' just drives in the point like a pile bunker that I am NOT in a good place. I'm simply existing, and as far as an existence goes, it's something of a paltry one. I work as a mimimum wage slave for Domino's which is good if you need a weekend job to pick up some extra cash, but by no means does it provide one with a feasible means of living.
That's not a good place to start though for whatever kind of update or process goes through my head. For a while I was living with my mother, my sister and her now-husband. I was working at a dental office in North Hollywood at the time, making pretty good money, but the commute was murder. After about 8 months though, the founder of the practice died, and in addition to losing a sizable chunk of our clientele, business started suffering so cutbacks had to be made, and the ones who suffered were the ones who didn't have seniority. So I lost my job, and was, in desperation, forced to get my job at Domino's again to make ends meet. Barely. I'd worked for that position at the office. I went 2 months straight without a single day off, working the 8 hours over at the office and then pulling the swing shift over at Domino's driving more, only to be out the door at 5 in the morning the next day, all so I could guarantee that I'd have the job, so I could pass my probationary period.
Either way, that job went, and after some time the lease ran out, and it was decided we wouldn't renew. I'd hoped I could stay with my father to get back on my feet, but it turned out that he didn't want me living in his home. And with my mother renting a room, my sister moving in with her in-laws, no one around to take me in at the time, I was at something of a loss. Thankfully I had a friend willing to take me in at this point, where I'm currently 'living' out of boxes. Everything I own is packed up still, with the bare minimum for clothes and the like under my bed.
Prior to this though, right before the move? Well... I did something really stupid, even by my standards, and I don't exaggerate the claim that it was the greatest mistake I made in my life, and as a result, I hurt people that I cared for deeply. That's all I care to say on the matter. I won't lie, I wasn't thinking clearly after this point, and a week or so after the incident, I drove out to the Angeles National Forest and was staring down over a cliff after sunset, numb and tired and dead inside. I'd thought the whole thing out very carefully, having been sitting on the hood of my car, waiting for a car to come by. None came by in the close to two hours I was sitting there. I teetered for a bit, truthfully. I could actually feel the ground starting to give away a bit, and I'm pretty sure I would have gone over in another second or so.
I didn't though, and the fact that I'm still here is nothing short of a testament to how truly stubborn I am, or perhaps I'm just that big of an idiot. I'm pretty sure I'm an idiot in either case. A massive one really.
I wisened up. Promised myself that I'd never be that weak ever again, and I wouldn't repeat my mistakes. I learned. I've made my pain my armor, and it works for me, even if it isolates me more and more with every passing day.
Time was still passing of course, and there wasn't much that went down in the course of those months. One of my friends got a girlfriend, I'm hemorrhaging money just so I can work. I'm insisting on staying single because no one deserves to have my miserable ass as company. Started back on guitar in a fierce way, learned my first song, drawing more, trying to write again. Vowed I'd become a great and powerful man and nothing would get in my way, nor would I ever permit myself to be defeated by anyone or anything. I promised I'd rattle the stars and bring down the sky.
I decided to aim high so that when I finally fly, nothing will ever be able to bring me down.
There's not a lot that I can say at this point. I'm working, suffering, struggling and smiling with the help of a few people. I had one, count it, ONE date, which while it didn't end in disaster? Well... Just served to make the point that I'm horrendously awkward and don't have what it takes to nurture another's company in that way.
Truth is, to anyone taking the time read this, though I doubt anyone would be willing to brave this wall of text... I am going to fail, a lot. I'm not going to shy away from that fact. But I never want to feel as low as last year made me feel at it's worst. I will never be that pitiful or pathetic again. I'm not 'wanted' by anyone romantically, nor am I 'needed' by anyone, but that's fine. I've made myself this strong without companionship this long. I can stay alone for as long as it takes.
That is all.
Man how weird is that? LiveJournal is hanging on where MySpace failed, how crazy is that?
So... I suppose that I'm not really typing this out for anyone's benefit but myself. I haven't really vented my own mental lunacy in such a long time that this perennial state of stress and unease is just my grounded state of being. Really that's no way for anyone to live, and the fact that I've just gotten into this mentality of 'oh I'm used to it' just drives in the point like a pile bunker that I am NOT in a good place. I'm simply existing, and as far as an existence goes, it's something of a paltry one. I work as a mimimum wage slave for Domino's which is good if you need a weekend job to pick up some extra cash, but by no means does it provide one with a feasible means of living.
That's not a good place to start though for whatever kind of update or process goes through my head. For a while I was living with my mother, my sister and her now-husband. I was working at a dental office in North Hollywood at the time, making pretty good money, but the commute was murder. After about 8 months though, the founder of the practice died, and in addition to losing a sizable chunk of our clientele, business started suffering so cutbacks had to be made, and the ones who suffered were the ones who didn't have seniority. So I lost my job, and was, in desperation, forced to get my job at Domino's again to make ends meet. Barely. I'd worked for that position at the office. I went 2 months straight without a single day off, working the 8 hours over at the office and then pulling the swing shift over at Domino's driving more, only to be out the door at 5 in the morning the next day, all so I could guarantee that I'd have the job, so I could pass my probationary period.
Either way, that job went, and after some time the lease ran out, and it was decided we wouldn't renew. I'd hoped I could stay with my father to get back on my feet, but it turned out that he didn't want me living in his home. And with my mother renting a room, my sister moving in with her in-laws, no one around to take me in at the time, I was at something of a loss. Thankfully I had a friend willing to take me in at this point, where I'm currently 'living' out of boxes. Everything I own is packed up still, with the bare minimum for clothes and the like under my bed.
Prior to this though, right before the move? Well... I did something really stupid, even by my standards, and I don't exaggerate the claim that it was the greatest mistake I made in my life, and as a result, I hurt people that I cared for deeply. That's all I care to say on the matter. I won't lie, I wasn't thinking clearly after this point, and a week or so after the incident, I drove out to the Angeles National Forest and was staring down over a cliff after sunset, numb and tired and dead inside. I'd thought the whole thing out very carefully, having been sitting on the hood of my car, waiting for a car to come by. None came by in the close to two hours I was sitting there. I teetered for a bit, truthfully. I could actually feel the ground starting to give away a bit, and I'm pretty sure I would have gone over in another second or so.
I didn't though, and the fact that I'm still here is nothing short of a testament to how truly stubborn I am, or perhaps I'm just that big of an idiot. I'm pretty sure I'm an idiot in either case. A massive one really.
I wisened up. Promised myself that I'd never be that weak ever again, and I wouldn't repeat my mistakes. I learned. I've made my pain my armor, and it works for me, even if it isolates me more and more with every passing day.
Time was still passing of course, and there wasn't much that went down in the course of those months. One of my friends got a girlfriend, I'm hemorrhaging money just so I can work. I'm insisting on staying single because no one deserves to have my miserable ass as company. Started back on guitar in a fierce way, learned my first song, drawing more, trying to write again. Vowed I'd become a great and powerful man and nothing would get in my way, nor would I ever permit myself to be defeated by anyone or anything. I promised I'd rattle the stars and bring down the sky.
I decided to aim high so that when I finally fly, nothing will ever be able to bring me down.
There's not a lot that I can say at this point. I'm working, suffering, struggling and smiling with the help of a few people. I had one, count it, ONE date, which while it didn't end in disaster? Well... Just served to make the point that I'm horrendously awkward and don't have what it takes to nurture another's company in that way.
Truth is, to anyone taking the time read this, though I doubt anyone would be willing to brave this wall of text... I am going to fail, a lot. I'm not going to shy away from that fact. But I never want to feel as low as last year made me feel at it's worst. I will never be that pitiful or pathetic again. I'm not 'wanted' by anyone romantically, nor am I 'needed' by anyone, but that's fine. I've made myself this strong without companionship this long. I can stay alone for as long as it takes.
That is all.