...
I want to cry...
I just read her journal...apparently she is the girlfriend of Ivan...which is a huge shocekr...really huge...its not fair...I stood by her whenver she had problems, I was the one who was there when she was alone, when she just wanted to bitch about something...I did all the right things a friend would do...
...I hid my feelings, and again I bunred myself...
I don't think I was good enough anyway...I never am...I mean look at me...I am not exactly the best person to be with...
I really am pissed off with myself...it is me who has all the flaws, but yet does not recognize them, I am not someone that anyone could like in any other way than the bumbling buffon of a friend...I feel so clownish...I feel so one-dimensional with these people, as if there is nothing more to me than my sarcastic comments or my bad jokes...and you know what ITS MY FAULT THAT IT IS THAT WAY, cause I let myself become that way, I am good ol'Ahmed...he is always in a laid-back way, not caring about anything...
and I do care...its just that I can't tell anyone that, because I give it on my own terms...I can't always be there for someone, but if its something big I will be...I create a facade...and it was too good...and now I am even trapped by it...
I don't let anyone see my other side...and I am no longer sure of the reason why...or rather I have many reasons, but none of them are completely true...or are they all true? I find that people are dishonest when confronted by feelings, that they tend to not know what to actually say or they really don't care...and I don't need insencerity...
I don't know how to feel anymore...I just feel angry, and sad, and something else...
now I am seriously contemplating not coming back, because what does it matter? all I do is screw up, my life...and me living off campus won't help...
I am starting to cry...this is pathetic...I have been through this situation almost every time...and always during the same time to, MY FUCKING BIRTHDAY!!!
God I hate my birthday, I always gotta share it with my room-mate, which is a cool novelty, but you know there has to be a day where I want to feel a little special, but that doesn't happen, there are either too many things going on, or there are other people's bdays going on as well...so I get a "happy birthday...oh are you coming to *insert name here*'s bday tomorrow?" I know its just a kiddish kick...but seriously, I just need one day...ONE DAY FOR ME!!!!!!! I want to be the center of fucking attention, and not let all these other assholes who just complain and bitch about things just to get everyone to look at them...BUT NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...just so fucking angry...so fucking sad...so fucking depressed...and what the worst part of is, is that I can't do a goddamn thing about it...now is the time when I have to suck it all up, get crackin on the books...because I can't make any more mistakes...TOO LATE!!
I am so fucked...and its my fault, and I have to live with my assholish self...its not like I can separate myself and move on...I have to live with these stupid decision I make, and face the consequences...AND THE CONSEQUENCES ARE ALWAYS BAD!!!!!!
And now I am returning to my prison...the thought of it just occurred to me...I am returning to the place that I have hated...I don't want to go...but I don't want to stay here, I gotta go...I can't stay, but I can't go back...that place will kill me, especially now...I can't...I really don't have anything to look forward to...nothing...
I just read her journal...apparently she is the girlfriend of Ivan...which is a huge shocekr...really huge...its not fair...I stood by her whenver she had problems, I was the one who was there when she was alone, when she just wanted to bitch about something...I did all the right things a friend would do...
...I hid my feelings, and again I bunred myself...
I don't think I was good enough anyway...I never am...I mean look at me...I am not exactly the best person to be with...
I really am pissed off with myself...it is me who has all the flaws, but yet does not recognize them, I am not someone that anyone could like in any other way than the bumbling buffon of a friend...I feel so clownish...I feel so one-dimensional with these people, as if there is nothing more to me than my sarcastic comments or my bad jokes...and you know what ITS MY FAULT THAT IT IS THAT WAY, cause I let myself become that way, I am good ol'Ahmed...he is always in a laid-back way, not caring about anything...
and I do care...its just that I can't tell anyone that, because I give it on my own terms...I can't always be there for someone, but if its something big I will be...I create a facade...and it was too good...and now I am even trapped by it...
I don't let anyone see my other side...and I am no longer sure of the reason why...or rather I have many reasons, but none of them are completely true...or are they all true? I find that people are dishonest when confronted by feelings, that they tend to not know what to actually say or they really don't care...and I don't need insencerity...
I don't know how to feel anymore...I just feel angry, and sad, and something else...
now I am seriously contemplating not coming back, because what does it matter? all I do is screw up, my life...and me living off campus won't help...
I am starting to cry...this is pathetic...I have been through this situation almost every time...and always during the same time to, MY FUCKING BIRTHDAY!!!
God I hate my birthday, I always gotta share it with my room-mate, which is a cool novelty, but you know there has to be a day where I want to feel a little special, but that doesn't happen, there are either too many things going on, or there are other people's bdays going on as well...so I get a "happy birthday...oh are you coming to *insert name here*'s bday tomorrow?" I know its just a kiddish kick...but seriously, I just need one day...ONE DAY FOR ME!!!!!!! I want to be the center of fucking attention, and not let all these other assholes who just complain and bitch about things just to get everyone to look at them...BUT NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...just so fucking angry...so fucking sad...so fucking depressed...and what the worst part of is, is that I can't do a goddamn thing about it...now is the time when I have to suck it all up, get crackin on the books...because I can't make any more mistakes...TOO LATE!!
I am so fucked...and its my fault, and I have to live with my assholish self...its not like I can separate myself and move on...I have to live with these stupid decision I make, and face the consequences...AND THE CONSEQUENCES ARE ALWAYS BAD!!!!!!
And now I am returning to my prison...the thought of it just occurred to me...I am returning to the place that I have hated...I don't want to go...but I don't want to stay here, I gotta go...I can't stay, but I can't go back...that place will kill me, especially now...I can't...I really don't have anything to look forward to...nothing...