(no subject)

[kayyyx13]

alright. this is where i can open up about shit right? well see the thing is people read this and i dont know...i dont want to start something or get into an arguement. but im just so sick of being soo upset all the time, like im serious...i hate crying i was never like this before my well "issue" .. i really honestly dont know what to do with myself anymore..lately i havent been doing well at all .. i mean my life is okay besides the fact my rents are split up & i love my friends & my boyfriend soo soo much.. but sometimes we get into horrible fights that are ...are really upsetting for me and i dont know how to handle it - i cry ... and then it gets worse bc i get called "Emo" and i dont know what to do about that so i cry. i dont know what to say to him and it seems the thing he knows what to do is walk away from me and thats not something that i want to happen, i want him to come to me and talk to me and understand where im coming from i mean i love him so god damn much and dont want to lose him for the world...but sometimes i feel like he is gonna end it. i feel like he doesnt want to deal with this shit to the point where he will end it..im scared. he says that he wouldnt ever i believe him .. but idk im stupid. i hate hate the fights. i think that is what hurts me the most..and i really want them to stop and we say this all the time...but i takes 2 and im really going to start trying to understand him but he needs to try to understand me and where i am coming from and why i say those things i say and why i call him and why i care so much. i love him. i love that boy so much. i want a good relationship tho, one that will work and one that i can be happy in all the time and i want him to happy and have fun and be with his friends..i want him to have that.. i mean i dont know what to say to him when we yell at each other..i want to just break down and cry. but im afraid to cry, im afraid to let my emotions out..i try to pull him back to me but he doesnt want me to pull him back. and if i let him go im afraid he wont come back....my life has changed so much- even before john came into it...my rents..me..and my problem...and i thought having him would make me happy and dont get me wrong it does- but do i make him happy? i want him to be happy. i know he is. and i trust that boy with all my heart and i know he wouldnt hurt me for the world..like he says...but sometimes i hate to admit this... he has hurt me emotionally before and i dont want us to be like that anymore! god why am i saying all this on here? not like anyone reads it oh well fuck it. im just saying.. i want him to understand me and why i act the way i do.. im really afraid of losing him. im afraid that if he pulls away from me when we get into a fight.. he wont come back to me..he wont come back. and i want so badly for him to come back and if he didnt i dont know what id do id prolly go fuckign crazy.. i just want john to understand why i say all the things. .. its because i dont know what to say in those situations. i dont want him to be mad or aggervated or upset because that makes me upset. we act like we are married. wow lol. thats fine cuz were gonna get married

[i just want you to understand]

that i love you
so much

i love you jonathon robert higley

<3kaila leigh higley <3 [ the mrs.] BITCHES