Late obligatory-whatever posts...
My schedule for this semester...
Russian I (I feel sexy speaking it) MWF
Master Chorale (yay singing~) TTH
Intro to Grammar (... not yay... default boring class... easy, though) W
Intro to Creative Writing (Awesome prof) F
Japanese Tea Ceremony II (Because I want that urasenke certificate) SA
Oh, and bellydancing on Sundays. I'm only a little burned out.... but I'm hanging in there.
I've found out that Corsica has its own language, Corsu. I have to learn it. End of story. Even if it involves spending the first year after I graduate in Corsica. <3 I'm sure there are distant relatives there who'd house me.
Birthday report: Amazing, I feel a lot older at 22 than I did at 21 and I know it's not just the age difference. The party itself is still pending because the short sale my parents are doing on the house is taking for-fucking-ever, but the little pre-party celebration was loads of fun. Especially crazy middle of the night beach outting. XD I now have a necklace and matching earrings that he made for me. Pink beads since I like pink, dolphin charm because dolphins are one of my favorite animals, and stars because I'll "one day be a star" and because of "O, gli astri!" Marie and Hali made the day special, too.
Valentine's report: Two bouquets of tulips, one pink and one purple. I made him chocolate covered strawberries and we hung out at Danny's. And tried to watch Silent Hill, which resulted in half of us falling asleep and arguing for about fifteen minutes that "No, I'm not asleep, I saw what just happened" until we finally gave in and rescheduled the movie night.
It's a good feeling, finding friends you feel you can be yourself around and they'll love you both at your worst and at your best. Friends who won't envy your success and try to undermine it. Friends who won't secretly gloat at your failures. Friends who let you make your own mistakes. Those who embrace even your most dreadful personality traits. Those who are not controlling, and who forgive your mistakes. I've lost many people in the last months. I blame it due to being in a transitional period, not really knowing who I was or how to live my life. I found something I thought worked and almost drove the dearest person away. I realize that error now. Part of me wants to apologize to those of the past and try to rekindle friendships, but I don't think I will. Some of them will want me to grovel and I won't do that. Some of them will probably not even accept an apology. It doesn't matter. I'd be willing to do it, but only if they approach me first. I owe nothing, emotionally, to any of them. As friends, they should have realized how far I'd fallen and tried to help.
I've come to terms with many things recently. One of them, is that I'm more likely than not never going to see Stephan again. Which means I need to live without his guidance. Even thinking about what he'd say to me in such and such situation isn't healthy. I am no longer Stephan's, just like I am no longer Alex's. I am no one's but Karen's. I'd be ruining myself, waiting for him to come back and make everything all better.
Luckily, I've found others to share both tears and laughter with. James and Grant, who are the only ones left from the old group. John, who has seen me both hysterical with laughter and with sorrow and held me through both. Danny, whom I have great admiration for. Julie, whom I embrace as a non-Greek sister. Hali and Marie, who I embrace as Greek sisters and, more importantly, friends. There are those whom I can see a good relationship with, but need to work at building a stronger bond, such as Stephanie, Nicole, and several people from anime club. And Anthony. I don't need to summarize him. He already knows what I think of him.
The prince has a new court and she's happy with it.
I'm still in transition, personality-wise. But I feel as if I'm finally finding some answers, thus finding peace of mind I haven't had for several years.
I've come to the conclusion that I want to learn everything.
"Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find me, unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate;
I am the captain of my soul."
"If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;
If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools;
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on";
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son! "
"Forget regret, or life is yours to miss."
"But suddenly, I viddied that thinking was for the gloopy ones, and that the oomny ones use like, inspiration and what Bog sends. Now it was lovely music that came into my aid."
Russian I (I feel sexy speaking it) MWF
Master Chorale (yay singing~) TTH
Intro to Grammar (... not yay... default boring class... easy, though) W
Intro to Creative Writing (Awesome prof) F
Japanese Tea Ceremony II (Because I want that urasenke certificate) SA
Oh, and bellydancing on Sundays. I'm only a little burned out.... but I'm hanging in there.
I've found out that Corsica has its own language, Corsu. I have to learn it. End of story. Even if it involves spending the first year after I graduate in Corsica. <3 I'm sure there are distant relatives there who'd house me.
Birthday report: Amazing, I feel a lot older at 22 than I did at 21 and I know it's not just the age difference. The party itself is still pending because the short sale my parents are doing on the house is taking for-fucking-ever, but the little pre-party celebration was loads of fun. Especially crazy middle of the night beach outting. XD I now have a necklace and matching earrings that he made for me. Pink beads since I like pink, dolphin charm because dolphins are one of my favorite animals, and stars because I'll "one day be a star" and because of "O, gli astri!" Marie and Hali made the day special, too.
Valentine's report: Two bouquets of tulips, one pink and one purple. I made him chocolate covered strawberries and we hung out at Danny's. And tried to watch Silent Hill, which resulted in half of us falling asleep and arguing for about fifteen minutes that "No, I'm not asleep, I saw what just happened" until we finally gave in and rescheduled the movie night.
It's a good feeling, finding friends you feel you can be yourself around and they'll love you both at your worst and at your best. Friends who won't envy your success and try to undermine it. Friends who won't secretly gloat at your failures. Friends who let you make your own mistakes. Those who embrace even your most dreadful personality traits. Those who are not controlling, and who forgive your mistakes. I've lost many people in the last months. I blame it due to being in a transitional period, not really knowing who I was or how to live my life. I found something I thought worked and almost drove the dearest person away. I realize that error now. Part of me wants to apologize to those of the past and try to rekindle friendships, but I don't think I will. Some of them will want me to grovel and I won't do that. Some of them will probably not even accept an apology. It doesn't matter. I'd be willing to do it, but only if they approach me first. I owe nothing, emotionally, to any of them. As friends, they should have realized how far I'd fallen and tried to help.
I've come to terms with many things recently. One of them, is that I'm more likely than not never going to see Stephan again. Which means I need to live without his guidance. Even thinking about what he'd say to me in such and such situation isn't healthy. I am no longer Stephan's, just like I am no longer Alex's. I am no one's but Karen's. I'd be ruining myself, waiting for him to come back and make everything all better.
Luckily, I've found others to share both tears and laughter with. James and Grant, who are the only ones left from the old group. John, who has seen me both hysterical with laughter and with sorrow and held me through both. Danny, whom I have great admiration for. Julie, whom I embrace as a non-Greek sister. Hali and Marie, who I embrace as Greek sisters and, more importantly, friends. There are those whom I can see a good relationship with, but need to work at building a stronger bond, such as Stephanie, Nicole, and several people from anime club. And Anthony. I don't need to summarize him. He already knows what I think of him.
The prince has a new court and she's happy with it.
I'm still in transition, personality-wise. But I feel as if I'm finally finding some answers, thus finding peace of mind I haven't had for several years.
I've come to the conclusion that I want to learn everything.
"Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find me, unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate;
I am the captain of my soul."
"If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;
If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools;
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on";
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son! "
"Forget regret, or life is yours to miss."
"But suddenly, I viddied that thinking was for the gloopy ones, and that the oomny ones use like, inspiration and what Bog sends. Now it was lovely music that came into my aid."