Dreams, and outcomes
Dreams... The last dream I recorded has left me.... feeling empty.
Within that dream, I was... owned. Totally utterly OWNED.
The thing is, this has always been something I have wanted. Totally owned, so even my daily tasks were set out, and decided on, before I was even given a choice. get up at this time, learn this, do that, do this and the other thing, go to bed, and wake up the next day with a new list of tasks... but through it all, still flexible. still be able to be grabbed by my hair, and thrown upon the bed, or tossed onto the cross... as long as my tasks were completed before the end of the day, all was well. even if, for some reason, because of His pleasure, I was unable to finish the tasks for the day, and unable to get to bed at a reasonable hour, the next day would include longer sleep, and time to catch up on previously incomplete chores. Time to myself would also be allotted, either for just lounging around, or anything else that pleased me.
But I know I can't... and that honestly hurts. It's a weird mix for me. I want to be owned utterly, but I am too headstrong, stubborn, set in my own ways to allow it.
I also want to own utterly my own pet. To train, and teach, to have him or her obey my slightest whim, and whish. To have them used as a footstool, or massager. To have them do my dishes in the nude, the hands chained together...
How can someone submit to someone else, utterly, and have them submit to another utterly? Everything that is done to me, I would want to do to my slave, and several things that aren't done to me as well.
I don't know what to write, or say, or do. My most powerful, and soul draining writtings are from either end of the spectrum, both sides of my soul bared, and exposed... but I don't think they can both work together, not totally. It's always going to be one or the other, never both at the same time.... I'm.... so totally confused about what I really want, and what I really need... because I need and want things that are on opposite sides of the coin... how can I do that? how is that possible?
*sighs* I don't even know what i'm writting anymore.
Within that dream, I was... owned. Totally utterly OWNED.
The thing is, this has always been something I have wanted. Totally owned, so even my daily tasks were set out, and decided on, before I was even given a choice. get up at this time, learn this, do that, do this and the other thing, go to bed, and wake up the next day with a new list of tasks... but through it all, still flexible. still be able to be grabbed by my hair, and thrown upon the bed, or tossed onto the cross... as long as my tasks were completed before the end of the day, all was well. even if, for some reason, because of His pleasure, I was unable to finish the tasks for the day, and unable to get to bed at a reasonable hour, the next day would include longer sleep, and time to catch up on previously incomplete chores. Time to myself would also be allotted, either for just lounging around, or anything else that pleased me.
But I know I can't... and that honestly hurts. It's a weird mix for me. I want to be owned utterly, but I am too headstrong, stubborn, set in my own ways to allow it.
I also want to own utterly my own pet. To train, and teach, to have him or her obey my slightest whim, and whish. To have them used as a footstool, or massager. To have them do my dishes in the nude, the hands chained together...
How can someone submit to someone else, utterly, and have them submit to another utterly? Everything that is done to me, I would want to do to my slave, and several things that aren't done to me as well.
I don't know what to write, or say, or do. My most powerful, and soul draining writtings are from either end of the spectrum, both sides of my soul bared, and exposed... but I don't think they can both work together, not totally. It's always going to be one or the other, never both at the same time.... I'm.... so totally confused about what I really want, and what I really need... because I need and want things that are on opposite sides of the coin... how can I do that? how is that possible?
*sighs* I don't even know what i'm writting anymore.