(no subject)
I consider myself to be pretty fearless. How that's even possible, I have no idea. I've had it pointed out to me the last week or so that I'm actually more chicken shit than the average person. I'm a little upset about this. I've always been naturally (and irrationally, mind you) pyrophobic. But then there's my intense dislike and avoidance of dogs. Oh, and what friend of mine hasn't had to experience me freaking out while driving? I constantly dread driving anywhere I've never been before. I don't like to drive alone at night. I won't go into the garage at night because I'm afraid one of those mutant roaches will finally decide to eat me. I don't like going to supermarkets and restaurants and such alone because of the looks I get from men I don't know.
I could list on and on and on. There's no point. I'm just mad at myself this morning because I have to go get a shot this afternoon and I'm scared. I'm going to be eighteen years old and I'm still fearful of a needle entering my arm. It'll probably be over and done with in ten seconds but that doesn't change the fact that my stomach curls just thinking about it. And the only person who could go and make me feel strong about doing this would never spare the time to be there, much less have the time at all. It doesn't change anything, however. You know, they never read this. But I still talk to them here, because all I can think is, I really wish you could be there for me. But you won't be. And that's really why I'm mad at you. Not because you treat me like shit. Not because you forget to call or blatantly ignore my feelings. Not because you dumped me for someone else. Not because over is never really over with you. Not because you lie to me. Because you're not there. You're never there for me when I need you to be. How can you honestly expect me to believe you still love and care about me? Now, if I could just say it out loud, I'd be making progress.
I guess I'll go get that damn shot now. Damn it.
I could list on and on and on. There's no point. I'm just mad at myself this morning because I have to go get a shot this afternoon and I'm scared. I'm going to be eighteen years old and I'm still fearful of a needle entering my arm. It'll probably be over and done with in ten seconds but that doesn't change the fact that my stomach curls just thinking about it. And the only person who could go and make me feel strong about doing this would never spare the time to be there, much less have the time at all. It doesn't change anything, however. You know, they never read this. But I still talk to them here, because all I can think is, I really wish you could be there for me. But you won't be. And that's really why I'm mad at you. Not because you treat me like shit. Not because you forget to call or blatantly ignore my feelings. Not because you dumped me for someone else. Not because over is never really over with you. Not because you lie to me. Because you're not there. You're never there for me when I need you to be. How can you honestly expect me to believe you still love and care about me? Now, if I could just say it out loud, I'd be making progress.
I guess I'll go get that damn shot now. Damn it.