my dog Chessie
the above picture is from this past Saturday, taken on a snow walk at Mount Tom. as I write this post, Hannah is snugged up beside me on the sofa, and Chessie is resting comfortably under the kitchen table, her favorite downstairs spot.
I've been putting off talking about this, but I think it'll help to write it out for you. my dog Chessie is a golden retriever, and twelve and a half years old. she's been sick with cancer since November, and this weekend was very scary for us.
Chessie started getting fatty tumors on her body when she about five. this is common in retrievers. over the past six or so years, Chessie has had five surgeries to remove malignant lumps. the last two lump removals were from the area around her neck and chin, and the one on the chin came back as type 2 (might repeat). this October I found another lump on her neck - I've gotten used to feeling her up when we cuddle and groom, and any time I find one that feels hard and not soft & wiggly, we get the vet to check it out. they checked it (by taking a cell sample by syringe and analyzing it), and it was cancerous. Dr. Haviar then recommended that since this lump was in a repeat spot, we could visit a veterinary oncologist group in MA and see what options they recommended. my parents took her up, and they found a second lump on Chess's neck. they said that the route for treatment would be to have surgery to remove the lumps, then have a course of radiation over several weekends, then have a vaccine administered over several weekends (to help prevent the cancer from coming back in that area).
my mother went back to Dr. Haviar to discuss things. he said that since Chessie has already had five surgeries, and she's twelve and a half, he strongly recommended not performing surgery on her, but letting things play out as they would. he said that it would be much kinder to Chessie to let her live out the rest of her life without the stress of surgery and radiation and vaccines and recuperation, that she'd be happier and have a better quality of life. my parents thought about it over the weekend, and agreed, and the rational part of me does too.
through November and December, Chessie was still be an active puppy and wanted to do all of her regular activities, although on her down time she's seemed more tired and quiet. the lumps slowly grew bigger, but stayed in her neck area (didn't show signs of moving into the mouth, lymph nodes or lungs).
then this past Friday (1/3/09) I was cuddling her and I noticed that her neck had swollen up and gotten bloated to a large degree. I showed my mom, and we made a vet appointment for Chess to see Dr. Haviar on Monday (the earliest available to see him and not another vet). on Saturday we talked to Dr. Haviar over the phone, but he said it was fine for us to come in on Monday. throughout Saturday and Sunday the swelling continued, and parts of it were hard and firm like grapefruit, with surrounding parts that were swollen and puffy. her skin was pushed out on the sides of her face and mouth, and one side the skin below her lower lip was hanging downward. her entire profile was changed.
on Monday I sat with Chess and counted down the hours to the 2pm appointment. my mother and Chess and I went, and Dr. Haviar came right in and started feeling around her neck area. after a minute he noticed that liquid was coming out of her skin. he got a tech, put her on the raised table, and shaved the fur around the area. the bulging area was a darkened color under the skin, with darkened fluid leaking out. Dr. Haviar got a tool and made a small incision to let the fluid drain. it kept on coming out, so they took her in back to a big sink to drain it. the fluid was a dark red-brown color ("like motor oil", he said), and made up of used white blood cells and black cancer cells. at first they tried putting a bandage on for taking her home, but it only irritated the area worse, so they told us they'd keep her for three hours. they gave her a shot of antibiotics.
we picked her up at 5:30, and brought her home. they gave us to courses of pills to treat her with. she already takes half a Deramax each morning for pain (she's had this for years, for the arthritis), so the doc said that should be fine. with no bandage and the incision leaking a bit, we confined her to the kitchen and family room, and put a tarp and towels over the family room floor. (yay for crappy kitchen linoleum.) it didn't leak much, and by Tuesday Chess's neck looked so much better. the lumps are there, and they are a bit larger, but her neck and chin/mouth aren't swollen. her profile and the line of the neck look relatively normal. on Wednesday evening my mom and I gave her a sponge bath (with Chess flipped on her back with her head in my lap) to clean up her upper chest, which gets covered in the gook that drips from the incision. this afternoon (Thursday), when I brought her outside she wanted to roll on her back in the snow, and cunningly rolled onto her side/front to (I think) scratch the area. after I'd brought her in I saw that while the incision was the same, another part of the area had gotten aggravated by the hard snow and there was a little blood. when we called the doc, fortunately, they said it was fine, and to just continue little sponge baths.
- - - - - - -
below is a picture I took of Chess yesterday evening. I had been cutting french bread, and shook a bunch of bread crumbs onto her bead in front of her (but they landed all over her head, ha!)
- - - - - - -
on Monday Dr. Haviar assured us that Chessie isn't in immediate danger, but that her cancer is escalating. she probably has several more months. the fluid coming out of her swollen area means that the cancer has gone into the lymph nodes. it isn't currently in the throat and lungs, but we are to watch for signs (frequent coughing, rattling, rasping). but she is doing so much better than she was over the Saturday-to-Monday period.
needless to say, from Friday through Monday afternoon I felt escalating worry, panic, pain and grief. we were all crying, and we were all so afraid that Chessie was going to die in a matter of days. we are relieved and thankful that she has more time, and each day since Monday I have felt a little better. but the grief is still in there. I had trouble sleeping on Saturday and Sunday, and on Monday I got up at 6am and came down to sit next to Chessie's bed and cuddle her. we caught Jaws on tv and watched it start to finish. I cried off and on all of Saturday, Sunday and Monday.
the timing was ironic because I had asked for Friday and Saturday off from work. my family had planned and hoped to drive down to my cousins in PA and visit from Thursday afternoon through Sunday. but by Wednesday morning my dad knew there was too much work at the office for him to go down, so we stayed here. I was irritated because I was stuck with the two days requested off, when I could have worked and saved them for later days I might want off to go places. but then by Saturday midday all I could think was thank heavens we were all here and spending time doing nice things for Chessie. on Saturday we took her up to Mount Tom for a short snow walk, and she loved that. her behavior was completely normal (eager, happy, carrying a big stick) even though her face was all puffed up.
I know that we only have a limited amount of time that Chessie is with us. I feel powerless and angry that I can't somehow stop this from happening. I sit back and feel I could basically start crying and never stop. by Sunday I was convinced that I didn't want Chessie out of my sight at all, for minutes or hours. if I had to leave the house I wanted someone else there with her. fortunately after Monday night my sense of urgency has lessened, I know she is ok at home in the mornings with Hannah. Hannah, our little girl, will turn six this February and is slightly miffed at all the attention Chessie is getting. I need to make sure she gets lots of exercise in the next several days, as we've all been worn out and sluggish. at the same time Hannah knows that we were very upset about something, and she knows something is up with Chessie. she came up to sleep on my bed with me for the last two nights, and has been very snuggly and asking for tactile contact and reassurance.
as a matter of (gross) interest, on Sunday and Monday Chessie had to be coaxed to eat, so the doc suggested we feed her soft (canned) dog food, as it's easier to swallow. my mom bought four cans of ID food, and they are so costly! I came home from work Wednesday to find her cooking up a large mess in the kitchen. turns out she looked at the contents of the ID can and decided to try making some herself. chicken breast, chicken liver, rice, carrots, scrambled egg & water. cooked, chopped and ground in the blender. both girls loved it. Chessie sits at attention when my mom gets it out of the fridge. my mom has been giving her some whole, and some mixed with soggy 'dry' dog food. heheh.
I could keep going on about happy Chessie things, sad Chessie things, and my feelings, but enough for now. Chessie has had a good day, and she's here smiling. this is good.