What if??

[kayseegurl]

So Jon saw my old roommate at a party tonight and I called him back after he had called me and I talked to her on the phone. SO WEIRD. It was the first time I had seen or heard from her since last year. It was really wierd. She sounded good, but of course she always used to really open up and talk to me when she was drunk. So tonight I talked to her and Jon told me that he talked to her and she said that she really wanted to be friends with me but I would never open up to her......which pissed me off because I totally tried to open up to her at the beginning of the year and she didn't really care. So I kinda just blew her off. BUt now to hear this.....it just makes me kinda mad. Whatever.

I wish I was one of those people who never censored what they said. I wish I could just stand up and speak my mind. I really do. I wish I didn't have to hold back, or pretend to pass things off as coincidence. I wish I could be open about what my intentions are instead of being vague. I want to be open and honest and really express how I feel. But I am afraid of the outcome. What if I ruin a really great friendship?? But I hate thinking what could have been if I keep holding back. This really isn't cool. I figure one day I will really bare it all and just let it all out. And maybe he'll freak out. But I really want him to know how I feel. I am just trying to be honest and hope for a desireable outcome. But I guess I never can really be sure....

Tomorrow is the Cowboys and Indians party! YAY.

Good night!