a nagging fear
I don't really know how to start this entry. I guess I should just get right to the point. I'm displeased by the sluggish dryness in my life.
I used to love to write. I was never extremely prolific, but I used to call myself a writer, and tell people that one of my interests was writing. I used to like to write stories, and rants about whatever. I used to love updating my LiveJournal, and reading my friends page. Nowadays, I can't seem to write much of anything unless sorely provoked.
I don't really know from whence comes this shifting. It likely comes from a variety of sources, but I don't have the energy to analyze them, and to do so would probably be a pointless waste of time.
There's a dryness in me, and my feelings about it are mixed. It's nice to be calmer in some ways, but I hate the idea that I might be blander now than formerly. I don't really like to write unless I have something of substance to say. And now it seems that I have little of substance to say, which is very disconcerting.
I want to be inspiring. I want to bring hope and joy and sober purpose to others. But lately I feel as though I'm mostly taking, taking, taking. I feel more like a computer, extremely accurate and useful, but lacking in spirit. And I'm chronically fighting this fear that I'm not inspirational, that I'm not much more than a useful machine.
I used to tell people that I loved having good conversations, but now it seems like I can't even hold up my end of what should be a good conversation. Nowadays a "good conversation" for me is the other person saying really inspirational and good things, and me just responding oafishly, "Yeah, yeah... I totally agree."
I feel like a machine that handles data and does a lot of processing work, but I feel like I can't inspire or warm anyone. I want so badly to be able to inspire and empower people; I want to reach out and uplift and subsequently be thought of as someone special and wonderful. But I feel like someone average, like someone stuck behind the scenes to handle the paperwork and logistics.
I like the paperwork and logistics. I excel there. But I'm afraid of being thought of as someone with nothing inspirational to offer. I fear that because of my unfortunate lack of charisma, my heart will be overlooked.
I miss the former inspiration I used to have. I used to write. I used to write stories. I even wrote poems. I used to play piano and violin. I used to take dance lessons and be in plays. And on rare occasions, I would even make (get ready for a shocker) visual art. *GASP* (The results were always very labored and childish, but at least I had the inspiration.)
But now? I have very little inclination for any of it. I feel dried out. And because of that, I feel like I won't be considered as lovable. I wish someone would tell me that this dichotomy of right brain=lovable/left brain=not is false and allay my fears speedily, but it is the conclusion of my own observation.
Well, I should probably stop now. Anyone still reading this is probably wondering what in the world I'm talking about. But I had to write something.
I used to love to write. I was never extremely prolific, but I used to call myself a writer, and tell people that one of my interests was writing. I used to like to write stories, and rants about whatever. I used to love updating my LiveJournal, and reading my friends page. Nowadays, I can't seem to write much of anything unless sorely provoked.
I don't really know from whence comes this shifting. It likely comes from a variety of sources, but I don't have the energy to analyze them, and to do so would probably be a pointless waste of time.
There's a dryness in me, and my feelings about it are mixed. It's nice to be calmer in some ways, but I hate the idea that I might be blander now than formerly. I don't really like to write unless I have something of substance to say. And now it seems that I have little of substance to say, which is very disconcerting.
I want to be inspiring. I want to bring hope and joy and sober purpose to others. But lately I feel as though I'm mostly taking, taking, taking. I feel more like a computer, extremely accurate and useful, but lacking in spirit. And I'm chronically fighting this fear that I'm not inspirational, that I'm not much more than a useful machine.
I used to tell people that I loved having good conversations, but now it seems like I can't even hold up my end of what should be a good conversation. Nowadays a "good conversation" for me is the other person saying really inspirational and good things, and me just responding oafishly, "Yeah, yeah... I totally agree."
I feel like a machine that handles data and does a lot of processing work, but I feel like I can't inspire or warm anyone. I want so badly to be able to inspire and empower people; I want to reach out and uplift and subsequently be thought of as someone special and wonderful. But I feel like someone average, like someone stuck behind the scenes to handle the paperwork and logistics.
I like the paperwork and logistics. I excel there. But I'm afraid of being thought of as someone with nothing inspirational to offer. I fear that because of my unfortunate lack of charisma, my heart will be overlooked.
I miss the former inspiration I used to have. I used to write. I used to write stories. I even wrote poems. I used to play piano and violin. I used to take dance lessons and be in plays. And on rare occasions, I would even make (get ready for a shocker) visual art. *GASP* (The results were always very labored and childish, but at least I had the inspiration.)
But now? I have very little inclination for any of it. I feel dried out. And because of that, I feel like I won't be considered as lovable. I wish someone would tell me that this dichotomy of right brain=lovable/left brain=not is false and allay my fears speedily, but it is the conclusion of my own observation.
Well, I should probably stop now. Anyone still reading this is probably wondering what in the world I'm talking about. But I had to write something.