Something Pretty This Way Comes
I have spent an inordinate amount of my life trying to be pretty. I've always been a "girly girl". In fact, I come from a long line of "girly girls", with my mom and her mother being my primary examples of how women should look, act, etc. My grandmother, Dorothy (Dot) was always very stylish. She dyed her hair jet black, and it was only in the weeks before she died in her 80s that I ever saw her grey roots. She wore fire-engine red lipstick, and carried very mod handbags with matching shoes. My mom has been much the same, and I've seen her in makeup with her hair done almost every day of my life. We girly girls don't leave the house without our makeup on, you see. And as we age, we don't try to stay forever young, but rather continue to emphasize those things about us that are our best assets, hair, eyes, teeth, skin, and we take as best care of ourselves as possible. Moisturize, condition, tweeze, define: we like to be as attractive as we're capable of being.
Therefore it was like a revelation the year I decided to be ugly for Halloween. It was the year following my divorce, and prior to this time, I'd always been something cute or sexy. Even the year I was Gomez from the Addams family, I was still a SEXY Gomez, very sleek and attractive. In my childhood, even, I'd only been "ugly" one time, when I was a witch. I don't remember why I didn't continue being that way, but I didn't, and went back to princesses, cats, fairies and other lovely get-ups.
This particular year, maybe I felt different inside somehow, or just wanted to separate myself from the person I'd been who'd just had this failed marriage, and I went as a psycho clown. I was freaky and disturbing and frightened some of my coworkers. I stomped around, making the most grotesque faces. I chased the girls dressed like saloon harlots and flappers around the office. I felt great. RARRR!
And so my ugly Halloween was born.
After that, I was a demented succubus, a kind of ice demon/gargoyle, a bride who'd died in a car crash, a psychotic vampire....all very unattractive creatures. The one year I ran out of time for a costume and had to recycle an outfit from a disco costume party, I still wore the two foot afro wig and headband that didn't really scream "pretty"!
I remember my mom saying to me, in this distressed tone of voice around the time of Car Crash Bride, "why can't you be something pretty?" - and it was like my entire life just suddenly made sense....why I don't go out with no makeup, why I hesitate to even walk to the end of my own driveway if I haven't looked in the mirror first, why I feel like I need to always be trying harder to look better....and it's not like I blame my mom for something, or her mom before her, because they're just doing what they were taught and not trying to do me harm, but I remember always being envious of girls in high school and especially college who could just wake up, put their hair in a ponytail and just GO and still look great - more importantly, still FEEL like they look great....I always wanted a little of that.
I also know that those same girls would see me at clubs or dressed up for a show or just playing around and they'd be envious of how fabulous I can become, how I can transform myself into totally different people using makeup and wigs - I've personally taught at least two of those kinds of girls how to be more fabu in their own right....what I've wanted to know is how they can teach me their way of thinking.
I'm better than I used to be, by far. I often don't wear mascara or eye shadow. (GASP!) I have a "quick and dirty" makeup routine that I'll do if I just have to run out for a bit, and I even manage to feel pretty most of the time anyway. But Halloween is my small place to start, I guess, where it all started for me, when I realized that it's actually ok to actively eschew the pursuit of beauty, even if it's only for one day.
So, bringing it full circle, this Halloween was the first year since 1996 that I went as something pretty. I was Glinda the Good Witch from The Wizard of Oz. I was a damn good Glinda, too, if I do say so myself. It was strange to be making the crown and sleeves and thinking up all the details of the costume and not to be thinking "will the fake blood stain my corset?" or "where is the stuff I use to blacken my teeth?". I did, for one moment, consider coming as Zombie Glinda, but decided that I could manage to be pretty just one more day. :) Just for Halloween.
Therefore it was like a revelation the year I decided to be ugly for Halloween. It was the year following my divorce, and prior to this time, I'd always been something cute or sexy. Even the year I was Gomez from the Addams family, I was still a SEXY Gomez, very sleek and attractive. In my childhood, even, I'd only been "ugly" one time, when I was a witch. I don't remember why I didn't continue being that way, but I didn't, and went back to princesses, cats, fairies and other lovely get-ups.
This particular year, maybe I felt different inside somehow, or just wanted to separate myself from the person I'd been who'd just had this failed marriage, and I went as a psycho clown. I was freaky and disturbing and frightened some of my coworkers. I stomped around, making the most grotesque faces. I chased the girls dressed like saloon harlots and flappers around the office. I felt great. RARRR!
And so my ugly Halloween was born.
After that, I was a demented succubus, a kind of ice demon/gargoyle, a bride who'd died in a car crash, a psychotic vampire....all very unattractive creatures. The one year I ran out of time for a costume and had to recycle an outfit from a disco costume party, I still wore the two foot afro wig and headband that didn't really scream "pretty"!
I remember my mom saying to me, in this distressed tone of voice around the time of Car Crash Bride, "why can't you be something pretty?" - and it was like my entire life just suddenly made sense....why I don't go out with no makeup, why I hesitate to even walk to the end of my own driveway if I haven't looked in the mirror first, why I feel like I need to always be trying harder to look better....and it's not like I blame my mom for something, or her mom before her, because they're just doing what they were taught and not trying to do me harm, but I remember always being envious of girls in high school and especially college who could just wake up, put their hair in a ponytail and just GO and still look great - more importantly, still FEEL like they look great....I always wanted a little of that.
I also know that those same girls would see me at clubs or dressed up for a show or just playing around and they'd be envious of how fabulous I can become, how I can transform myself into totally different people using makeup and wigs - I've personally taught at least two of those kinds of girls how to be more fabu in their own right....what I've wanted to know is how they can teach me their way of thinking.
I'm better than I used to be, by far. I often don't wear mascara or eye shadow. (GASP!) I have a "quick and dirty" makeup routine that I'll do if I just have to run out for a bit, and I even manage to feel pretty most of the time anyway. But Halloween is my small place to start, I guess, where it all started for me, when I realized that it's actually ok to actively eschew the pursuit of beauty, even if it's only for one day.
So, bringing it full circle, this Halloween was the first year since 1996 that I went as something pretty. I was Glinda the Good Witch from The Wizard of Oz. I was a damn good Glinda, too, if I do say so myself. It was strange to be making the crown and sleeves and thinking up all the details of the costume and not to be thinking "will the fake blood stain my corset?" or "where is the stuff I use to blacken my teeth?". I did, for one moment, consider coming as Zombie Glinda, but decided that I could manage to be pretty just one more day. :) Just for Halloween.