and the process continues. . .
i dont know what im doing anymore. my life, at one point, seemed so easy. summer- school-summer. i was in love. i was engaged. and in a matter of months its all gone.
i have a piece of paper saying im a graduate, when i feel like i left during the best part. i met the most incredible ppl that i have come across in a long time. it was too short. not to say it won't continue, but it will never be the same. i hope it gets better. jobs are a pain to apply for, and i don't deal with rejection well at all. surprise, surprise. ive gotten offered a few positions but none that i am 100% positive i'd settle for. hopefully, that will change tomorrow.
future career and friends i can handle. its love and feelings and all that gushy crap that gets in the way. where do i put these feelings anyway?!
i miss having someone. someone who genuinely loves me. not someone who wants me- or just wants a makeout partner/fuck buddy- but someone who loves me for everything that i am. unconditionally. and its not just someone i miss, i miss that one. but why? he treated me like crap towards the end. i discovered a hidden resentment. he gets dumb tattoos and wears shirts that say pussy on them or something equally as revolting. do i miss him for what i made him out to be? what i wanted him to be? or for what he really was? i wish he'd grow up, think things out from start to finish before making all of these rash and permanent decisions and less importantly wear man clothes, not those of a 12 year old skater boy. i am only so frustrated because i don't think that way or understand. i concentrate too hard on the consequences.
not like im not dating, bc i am, or not like i haven't moved on, bc its all a process. im trying. i met the dentist. the dentist is everything that i should want. everything i do want. he's mature, sarcastic and motivated. but at the same time, he's good at everything which would render someone cocky by default. but he's a giant blinking yellow light on the traffic light of love and attraction. nothing is said in a straightforward manner. nothing is definite. but everything is implied. its all new to me.
the carpet was pulled out from me months ago, and just when i feel myself getting on my feet again sorting it out, i fall right back down. ive attempted to erase my past, but clearly, im fighting an impossible battle. just because a box of momentos is now in oregon, doesn't take away the memories i have in my head.
i am terrified of being alone. im terrified of getting hurt and used. they cancel one another out- i must make myself vulnerable to face being alone. stupid rules. stupid everything. why can't gar just be what i have wanted him to be? there it is, selfishness at its finest. its shallow i know. its shallow that i think about his spelling, wardrobe, body art, screaming angry music collection and general nothings like that. maybe it bothers me because i have grown up more than i have given myself credit for. maybe im just an asshole that has to find flaws so i dont get close again bc deep down im afraid of all the new found resentment with the knowledge he has of my escapades. im afraid of jose cuervo.
with me, he was different. when hes not with the army, and when he's away from it all, he's different. what i cant get out of my head is how hed walk around and around for blocks during my panic attacks. how he brushed the hair out of my eyes. how he held me when we slept. how he kissed my eyelids when he thought i was asleep. how he would bring me chicken soup when i had a cold. how he held my hands. how he protected me from anything and everything and made me feel legitimately safe. how he didnt have to say anything at all. or how he lied. how he kept things from me so i wouldnt be hurt. he treated me like a fragile princess and thats the last thing i want to be.
if nothing more, this relationship has turned me into a skeptic. its made me realize that love is one manipulative bastard. i dont want to hurt anyone like its hurt me. i need to back off and sort out what is really important and what isn't.
i need to coast to fuck off confusion.
i have a piece of paper saying im a graduate, when i feel like i left during the best part. i met the most incredible ppl that i have come across in a long time. it was too short. not to say it won't continue, but it will never be the same. i hope it gets better. jobs are a pain to apply for, and i don't deal with rejection well at all. surprise, surprise. ive gotten offered a few positions but none that i am 100% positive i'd settle for. hopefully, that will change tomorrow.
future career and friends i can handle. its love and feelings and all that gushy crap that gets in the way. where do i put these feelings anyway?!
i miss having someone. someone who genuinely loves me. not someone who wants me- or just wants a makeout partner/fuck buddy- but someone who loves me for everything that i am. unconditionally. and its not just someone i miss, i miss that one. but why? he treated me like crap towards the end. i discovered a hidden resentment. he gets dumb tattoos and wears shirts that say pussy on them or something equally as revolting. do i miss him for what i made him out to be? what i wanted him to be? or for what he really was? i wish he'd grow up, think things out from start to finish before making all of these rash and permanent decisions and less importantly wear man clothes, not those of a 12 year old skater boy. i am only so frustrated because i don't think that way or understand. i concentrate too hard on the consequences.
not like im not dating, bc i am, or not like i haven't moved on, bc its all a process. im trying. i met the dentist. the dentist is everything that i should want. everything i do want. he's mature, sarcastic and motivated. but at the same time, he's good at everything which would render someone cocky by default. but he's a giant blinking yellow light on the traffic light of love and attraction. nothing is said in a straightforward manner. nothing is definite. but everything is implied. its all new to me.
the carpet was pulled out from me months ago, and just when i feel myself getting on my feet again sorting it out, i fall right back down. ive attempted to erase my past, but clearly, im fighting an impossible battle. just because a box of momentos is now in oregon, doesn't take away the memories i have in my head.
i am terrified of being alone. im terrified of getting hurt and used. they cancel one another out- i must make myself vulnerable to face being alone. stupid rules. stupid everything. why can't gar just be what i have wanted him to be? there it is, selfishness at its finest. its shallow i know. its shallow that i think about his spelling, wardrobe, body art, screaming angry music collection and general nothings like that. maybe it bothers me because i have grown up more than i have given myself credit for. maybe im just an asshole that has to find flaws so i dont get close again bc deep down im afraid of all the new found resentment with the knowledge he has of my escapades. im afraid of jose cuervo.
with me, he was different. when hes not with the army, and when he's away from it all, he's different. what i cant get out of my head is how hed walk around and around for blocks during my panic attacks. how he brushed the hair out of my eyes. how he held me when we slept. how he kissed my eyelids when he thought i was asleep. how he would bring me chicken soup when i had a cold. how he held my hands. how he protected me from anything and everything and made me feel legitimately safe. how he didnt have to say anything at all. or how he lied. how he kept things from me so i wouldnt be hurt. he treated me like a fragile princess and thats the last thing i want to be.
if nothing more, this relationship has turned me into a skeptic. its made me realize that love is one manipulative bastard. i dont want to hurt anyone like its hurt me. i need to back off and sort out what is really important and what isn't.
i need to coast to fuck off confusion.