I swear that I would follow anything, just GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I can't. I can't fucking do this anymore, any of it.
2007 started off with the worst decision of my life and has only gone downhill from there. I'm really not one for whining but I have to get this out, especially cause no one really reads this.
I just sobbed for half an hour. Me, who doesn't cry. I guess everything finally came out. I wish I could say it felt good, felt liberating. But I've never felt this low. I feel like things should be okay since I've finally released my feelings for Brian and they've faded out. But I still feel shitty because someone else just has a hold on me. All my life I've been told I have an addictive personality. I find a person, a thing, a habit and I can't let go. And once I let go of one addiction it's onto the next one. And my latest "addiction" is still in love with his ex, and she just strings him along and talks shit about him. And makes me so mad because I want him to be happy. And he could be, with me. But I don't think he'll ever realize that. I am so goddamn tired of boys who say they want a girl who would be willing to do stuff with them, yet they fall for fucking innocent little prude pieces of shit. I think every guy I've dated or liked has only been interested in me for the possibility of getting action. "I want to smack every boy who has ever been interested in me."
Well said, Natalie.
I just want to fucking GET OUT. I have a year more in this hellhole and I'm so checked out mentally. All my friends are seniors except Joe and Kat. Sure Joe is my best friend, but what about the rest of them? What about all my seniors that I love so much? Gary moved to Spain and it's hard enough with just him gone. I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do next year.
My grades are shit, so my parents are of course furious as always. And I want to go to college so bad so I can get out, but I probably won't get in anywhere. And you know if community college ends up being my only option I would honestly kill myself. I could not do it, I really couldn't. And my fucking father has the nerve to say I'm addicted to social shit and my friends, but OH WAIT DAD YOU'RE A FUCKING ALCOHOLIC YOU HYPOCRITICAL PIECE OF SHIT. And you smoke cigarettes and you're killing yourself slowly. Thank you, thank you so much for being a good role model to me. Thank you for believing in me and my abilities. Thank you for NOT telling me you were an alcoholic until I found out for myself 2 months ago. Thank you for not warning me that it's in my fucking genes. Thanks a lot for being a "father." Dick.
I just need to cut myself off from people. I deleted myspace and facebook. People want to know why. I need less human contact. I don't deserve friends. I have fucked over my own life and I don't want the people I care about so much to be affected by me and have their lives fucked over too. I just want to curl up and never leave my house again. I only leave my house now to party so I can drink and avoid reality for awhile. The crash after is always worth it, just for that little piece of time where it doesn't matter anymore. That little piece where I can look across the room and see him making out with her and it will be all good and I will still love myself. ONE moment where I see that and a litle piece of me doesn't die.
I want to get a job. A job to take up my time and to make a nice excuse for not seeing people. So that way when i dont' get into college I'll have enough money saved up to move out and get away.
I'm really sorry if you actually read this. I haven't gone back and read it and I don't even know what I said.
I'm done now, with everything.