Memory Lane: Horatio Hornblower Modern AU. With a bunny.
oh my god. I'm on crack. I've been on crack for years.
Here is an excerpt from the second chapter of an epic AU I brainstormed with my roommate sophomore year. The entirety of sophomore year. Yes, folks. We were that dedicated to it.
The first chapter isn't as interesting (unless you like ketchup), and just functions as exposition: Archie is a theatre reviewer for a newspaper, and is gay. The head editor is Sawyer, who is a horrible, horrible (homophobic) boss. His second in command is the ineffectual, annoying Buckland.
The second chapter contains some rising action which will eventually usher us into the plot and also some funny dialogue. I think. It was dictated to said roommate, rhia_starsong, so the abundance of correct punctuation is entirely her fault.
Chapter the Second, Wherein Archie Gets Sacked
Dr Clive had upped Sawyer’s medication, and, as a result, Archie’s job was almost bearable again. That is, until all the schools let out for the summer and Mr Sawyer’s two sons, having no mother who could stand to be around any of the three for more than five minutes, came to visit their father at the office. Archie was attempting to finish a review (for once, Sawyer hadn’t demanded a specific opinion of the play), when he heard the boys playing beneath his window in the desolate stretch of land between two office buildings.
“Careful, Randall, you don’t want to let him out,” said Hobbes, the older boy, who took after his mother only in the sense that he was not completely psychotic.
“But I wanna play with him!” said Randall, who, if there were a contest for bratty, ill-mannered, evil, and sticky five-year-olds, would win hands-down.
“If you open the door, he’ll run away, and you won’t be able to catch him,” reasoned Hobbes.
“Then tell him to stay.”
“It doesn’t work like that; he’s just a rabbit, he doesn’t understand.”
Archie, finding this unfolding tragedy more interesting by far than the Drury Lane schlep he had been forced to attend last night, peered out his window. The boys were next to the other building, huddled around a battered pet carrier that presumably held the unlucky rabbit. Hobbes was standing officiously nearby, smacking at his brother’s pudgy fingers (intolerably sticky, Archie knew from experience), when Randall reached for the latch.
“I said stop it, Randall!”
“Leave me alone; he’s my bunny!”
“He’s for both of us; Dad said so.”
“I wanna play with him!”
“We can play with him when we get home. Don’t stick your fingers in the cage like that.”
“Ow, it bit me!”
“I told you not to mess with it!” said Hobbes, trying to grab a hold of Randall’s hand to examine the injured finger. Randall, who was having none of it, broke away from his brother and, screaming for revenge (something which he had no doubt learned from his father), rushed at the rabbit cage and began kicking it viciously.
Without thinking, Archie threw open his window and yelled, “Stop that at once!”
Randall, startled temporarily out of his abuse, glared balefully at the intruder who had appeared at the window.
“It’s only a bit of fun,” whined Hobbes.
“It’s our bunny, anyway,” said Randall, pouting, “and you’re just a faggot.”
“Shush, Randall,” snapped Hobbes, “you’re not s’posed to say that.”
“Why not? Dad says it all the time.”
“You don’t even know what it means.”
“Yeah, I do! It means he’s stupid, like this rabbit!” yelled Randall, and started kicking the cage again. Archie jumped out of the window and was on him in a flash, pushing aside the boy with slightly more force than was, perhaps, strictly necessary. Randall began screaming hysterically and pummelling Hobbes with his fists. Archie, ignoring them, crouched down and sighed at the piteous sight of the black, fuzzy bunny shivering in the far corner of the cage.
“WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?!”
Archie stepped protectively in front of the cage as Sawyer came thundering out of the office building.
“He pushed me!” screeched Randall, pointing at Archie.
“He was attacking a bunny,” snapped Archie.
“You dare to put your dirty hands on one of my children?!”
“I dare,” said Archie, feeling his blood boil, “to save innocent creatures from torture. Sir.”
There was a long, tense silence, and Sawyer hissed, “Clean out your desk.”
“Gladly,” sneered Archie, and strode back to his office. From behind him, he could hear
Sawyer yelling, “You’ll be hearing from my solicitor about this, Kennedy, make no mistake!” But Archie ignored him, feeling better than he had in years.
The really cracky part?
The bunny is Wellard.
Later, having forged a lovely friendship with the traumatized bunny!Wellard, Archie meets a dorky-yet-attractive architect named Horatio Hornblower. What was supposed to a one night stand turns into an all-night conversation when Horatio finds himself distracted from making out by the bunny watching them curiously from the other end of the bed. Archie shoos Wellard away, but the mood is broken and Horatio's nervous again. So they spend the rest of the night trying to coax Wellard close to Horatio via a raisin trail (doesn't work) and Horatio and Archie have Deep Conversations and Love Blossoms. And Wellard gets a little chubby from all the raisins. Eventually Horatio moves in (with the unexpected approval of Horatio's father, Pellew) and later finds an older German Shepard patrolling the park, named Bush.
Lots of zany fun ensues, especially when Mrs. Cobham's kitty, Duchess, sneaks in from her flat down the hall. Horatio's business acquaintance Edrington also joins the party. I don't think Jack Simpson was included, because we don't like him. Maybe he beat up Horatio in architecture school. Also, Archie joins a rugby team and gets all sweaty and smeared with dirt and rolls around on the ground with other hot guys. Just sayin'. And Wellard hops into a pumpkin pie. And Horatio gets a migraine. Bush takes this in stride, doing his best to keep the family in line. Pellew comes to visit and is all gruff and stuff, making Archie mad and Horatio conflicted, but Bush and Wellard like Pellew very much, probably because he keeps slipping them tablescraps.
Stephanie and I had endless discussions about motivations and relationship arcs and how exactly to keep Wellard in character when he is a bunny. Curiously, it was very easy to keep Bush in character. ANYWAY. We're on crack. Enjoy.
Here is an excerpt from the second chapter of an epic AU I brainstormed with my roommate sophomore year. The entirety of sophomore year. Yes, folks. We were that dedicated to it.
The first chapter isn't as interesting (unless you like ketchup), and just functions as exposition: Archie is a theatre reviewer for a newspaper, and is gay. The head editor is Sawyer, who is a horrible, horrible (homophobic) boss. His second in command is the ineffectual, annoying Buckland.
The second chapter contains some rising action which will eventually usher us into the plot and also some funny dialogue. I think. It was dictated to said roommate, rhia_starsong, so the abundance of correct punctuation is entirely her fault.
Chapter the Second, Wherein Archie Gets Sacked
Dr Clive had upped Sawyer’s medication, and, as a result, Archie’s job was almost bearable again. That is, until all the schools let out for the summer and Mr Sawyer’s two sons, having no mother who could stand to be around any of the three for more than five minutes, came to visit their father at the office. Archie was attempting to finish a review (for once, Sawyer hadn’t demanded a specific opinion of the play), when he heard the boys playing beneath his window in the desolate stretch of land between two office buildings.
“Careful, Randall, you don’t want to let him out,” said Hobbes, the older boy, who took after his mother only in the sense that he was not completely psychotic.
“But I wanna play with him!” said Randall, who, if there were a contest for bratty, ill-mannered, evil, and sticky five-year-olds, would win hands-down.
“If you open the door, he’ll run away, and you won’t be able to catch him,” reasoned Hobbes.
“Then tell him to stay.”
“It doesn’t work like that; he’s just a rabbit, he doesn’t understand.”
Archie, finding this unfolding tragedy more interesting by far than the Drury Lane schlep he had been forced to attend last night, peered out his window. The boys were next to the other building, huddled around a battered pet carrier that presumably held the unlucky rabbit. Hobbes was standing officiously nearby, smacking at his brother’s pudgy fingers (intolerably sticky, Archie knew from experience), when Randall reached for the latch.
“I said stop it, Randall!”
“Leave me alone; he’s my bunny!”
“He’s for both of us; Dad said so.”
“I wanna play with him!”
“We can play with him when we get home. Don’t stick your fingers in the cage like that.”
“Ow, it bit me!”
“I told you not to mess with it!” said Hobbes, trying to grab a hold of Randall’s hand to examine the injured finger. Randall, who was having none of it, broke away from his brother and, screaming for revenge (something which he had no doubt learned from his father), rushed at the rabbit cage and began kicking it viciously.
Without thinking, Archie threw open his window and yelled, “Stop that at once!”
Randall, startled temporarily out of his abuse, glared balefully at the intruder who had appeared at the window.
“It’s only a bit of fun,” whined Hobbes.
“It’s our bunny, anyway,” said Randall, pouting, “and you’re just a faggot.”
“Shush, Randall,” snapped Hobbes, “you’re not s’posed to say that.”
“Why not? Dad says it all the time.”
“You don’t even know what it means.”
“Yeah, I do! It means he’s stupid, like this rabbit!” yelled Randall, and started kicking the cage again. Archie jumped out of the window and was on him in a flash, pushing aside the boy with slightly more force than was, perhaps, strictly necessary. Randall began screaming hysterically and pummelling Hobbes with his fists. Archie, ignoring them, crouched down and sighed at the piteous sight of the black, fuzzy bunny shivering in the far corner of the cage.
“WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?!”
Archie stepped protectively in front of the cage as Sawyer came thundering out of the office building.
“He pushed me!” screeched Randall, pointing at Archie.
“He was attacking a bunny,” snapped Archie.
“You dare to put your dirty hands on one of my children?!”
“I dare,” said Archie, feeling his blood boil, “to save innocent creatures from torture. Sir.”
There was a long, tense silence, and Sawyer hissed, “Clean out your desk.”
“Gladly,” sneered Archie, and strode back to his office. From behind him, he could hear
Sawyer yelling, “You’ll be hearing from my solicitor about this, Kennedy, make no mistake!” But Archie ignored him, feeling better than he had in years.
The really cracky part?
The bunny is Wellard.
Later, having forged a lovely friendship with the traumatized bunny!Wellard, Archie meets a dorky-yet-attractive architect named Horatio Hornblower. What was supposed to a one night stand turns into an all-night conversation when Horatio finds himself distracted from making out by the bunny watching them curiously from the other end of the bed. Archie shoos Wellard away, but the mood is broken and Horatio's nervous again. So they spend the rest of the night trying to coax Wellard close to Horatio via a raisin trail (doesn't work) and Horatio and Archie have Deep Conversations and Love Blossoms. And Wellard gets a little chubby from all the raisins. Eventually Horatio moves in (with the unexpected approval of Horatio's father, Pellew) and later finds an older German Shepard patrolling the park, named Bush.
Lots of zany fun ensues, especially when Mrs. Cobham's kitty, Duchess, sneaks in from her flat down the hall. Horatio's business acquaintance Edrington also joins the party. I don't think Jack Simpson was included, because we don't like him. Maybe he beat up Horatio in architecture school. Also, Archie joins a rugby team and gets all sweaty and smeared with dirt and rolls around on the ground with other hot guys. Just sayin'. And Wellard hops into a pumpkin pie. And Horatio gets a migraine. Bush takes this in stride, doing his best to keep the family in line. Pellew comes to visit and is all gruff and stuff, making Archie mad and Horatio conflicted, but Bush and Wellard like Pellew very much, probably because he keeps slipping them tablescraps.
Stephanie and I had endless discussions about motivations and relationship arcs and how exactly to keep Wellard in character when he is a bunny. Curiously, it was very easy to keep Bush in character. ANYWAY. We're on crack. Enjoy.