scrapped ramble!fic: Wherein Pike apprehends an intruder (1,824 words, R for language, Jim+Pike)
This was going to be one of the Stolen Kisses for cirrocumulus, but I never got around to the kissing and I'm not sure that I want to take this particular angle on Jim's first few months at the Academy. It's been sitting around my hard drive (three or four hard drives, actually, considering my run of luck with computers lately) for plenty long enough.
Warning: ends suddenly. is not finished. I suck. :/
1,824 words, rated R for language and sexual innuendo, Jim + Pike, dubious canonicity
There are only five numbers in a lock code, right. Jim is Eskimo brothers with a guy in Structure and Facilities Management so he happens to know that the first two digits are determined by the building, and Pike leaves his finger on the last number for a few seconds if he's distracted by an aptly timed question from his smartest and most charismatic advisee, so it's just the two middle numbers that Jim has to guess. Jim also has a fuck buddy in Campus Security so he knows that the system doesn't go on alert until the fourth wrong entry with a half hour grace period in between. Going by the worst case scenario that the right code is the last one Jim puts in, he'll still have this sucker cracked well before Pike's yeoman comes in at 0700.
The only problem is, Jim should have put a little more thought into what the "worst case scenario" might really be.
"Is there a particular reason why you are attempting to break into my office, Cadet Kirk?"
Jim yelps and spins around and leans against the door, real casual-like. "I don't know what you're talking about," he slurs, and waits for his vision to come to a complete stop. He is never doubting the quality of Bones' booze again. Never. Neeeever. And not just because it makes Bones cranky.
Pike is probably giving him the stink-eye. Jim doesn't know for sure because the safety lighting doesn't do much but pick out swaths of red along Pike's forehead and nose and transform his eye-sockets into dark abysses that, like, literally gaze also into you, which is cool. Also fucking terrifying. Not that Jim is intimidated by the old coot, or anything, despite various stories floating around the Starfleet wiki about said old coot's aptitude for punching Klingons in the head, and some vague reference to a volcano that is entirely uninformative but impressive nonetheless, not that Jim is impressed by Captain Pike, as has already been said. The wiki's mostly a send-up, anyway. Jim knows this because he has been a frequent contributor since he was nine years old (his mom still gets asked if she can really turn into an elephant.)
Jim suddenly (ok, gradually) realizes that Pike is snapping his fingers in Jim's face and wow, that's rude, but it does give Jim's eyes something they can agree on.
"Sir?" Jim says, but the term of respect is purely tactical.
Pike crosses his arms. "If you do not satisfactorily answer a question posed to you by a superior officer," he says, "I'm going to forget I recognized you, assume that you are an intruder unaffiliated with Starfleet, and proceed to beat the shit out of you." Pike smirks and raises an eyebrow, or maybe his facial bones are just rearranging themselves.
This safety lighting could be a little brighter. Jim doesn't feel safe at all.
"Is that understood?" Pike asks.
Jim does understand the situation as it has been presented, but he didn't get the highest mark on the first test in Survival Theory because he accepts the surface of things. "Is there a third option?" he asks.
There follows a brief and intense flurry of physical activity during which Jim expends half of his current mental capacity in noting the positions of his various limbs (all over the damn place) and the other half in noting for future reference that Captain Christopher Pike does not bluff.
Jim re-assesses his physical position once the involuntary manhandling comes to an end and decides that, if Jim's life were a porno (and he does wonder sometimes) this is the part where Pike would start slapping his ass and calling him a dirty little slut. Not that Jim has considered Pike in porn before, of course, and he's not necessarily changing his opinion of the guy now just because the guy is, contrary to all visual evidence (sexy visual evidence, in Jim's case) just as buff as Jim is.
Granted, Pike's voice does this deep growly thing and his fingertips are digging in right above Jim's hipbone in an edge-of-painful grip which usually presages Good Things, but the guy has wrinkles, man. Just a few, maybe, in select places like a calligraphic embellishment, but they're still there and Jim draws the line at wrinkles even though Pike isn't, like, a withered sac or anything. He's actually surprisingly wiry, and knows exactly where to apply pressure to make Jim's back arch, and the crow's feet are admittedly pretty sexy, in an "I'm the oldest and the baddest lion in the pride" kind of way and ok, maybe Jim is changing his opinion based on new evidence. That's the sign of an intelligent mind, see, and Jim is drunk, so this whole paradigm shift is actually very impressive. Jim is awesome.
He's also on his hands and knees, but hey, power isn't always about who's on top, ok, and just because Jim is saying "Ow ow ow!" and unsuccessfully trying to crawl away doesn't mean he's not in complete control here.
"Are you going to be a little more forthcoming, now, Cadet Kirk?" Pike asks, and pushes just slightly on the arm he has pinned behind Kirk's back.
Jim says "Owwwww," which translates as "Bite me," if you speak Drunk (it's a very flexible language, actually; "Ow" can mean just about anything. Jim keeps offering to tutor Cadet Uhura in the intricacies of Drunk Speak but she keeps questioning his motives. It's very hurtful, especially when she slaps.)
Pike lets up and, for a few sweet seconds, Jim's shoulder doesn't hurt. Not that pain deters him in any way whatsoever, because Jim is a badass, and also drunk. Like, a lot drunk. But not as drunk as he was an hour ago when he fell down the stairs and laughed (Bones laughed, too, so clearly he is a terrible minion. Doctor. Whatever.)
"Allow me to repeat the question. Why were you-Do not throw up on my carpet," Pike snaps, and holy shit, he must have some kind of superpower because Jim was well on his way to Vomit Town but took a sharp turn into Swallow City like his digestive system is hardwired to respond to Pike's commands and woah, that could get really hilarious or really gross, depending on how sadistic Pike is. That's assuming, of course, that he knows about this ability he has and the specifics on how it works because, like, maybe he has to intend it as a command or maybe it's just the words that matter, so if Jim is in hearing range when Pike gets frustrated, things could get messy. Further note of inquiry: is it just digestion, or all bodily functions? Jim's going to be careful who he stands next to from now on in case Pike says "fuck."
Pike suddenly grabs a hank of Jim's hair and twists his head to the side to get a look at his face, and that's a blatantly sexual move, right? So Jim is not responsible for the long moan he makes and how his ass tilts up automatically. He'll take credit, though, especially since the silence emanating from Pike has a delicious flavor of gobsmacked. Point for Jim.
Pike regroups: "How the hell did you even get in the building at 0400?" he says, even though from where Jim's standing (lying. kneeling. whatever.) the more important question is what the hell is Pike doing in the building at 0400? Jim knows that sometimes old people like to wake up with the birds but this is ridiculous.
Pike lets goes of Jim's arm and pinches the skin above his hipbone, hard, and it occurs to Jim that he might have just said all of that aloud. What mostly occurs to him, however, is that fucking hurt. Pinching overrides hardcore-osity, ok, even girls know that.
"Owwwww," Jim says eloquently, and then abruptly switches it to "Heeeeeeey" because Pike has just shoved his hand into Jim's back pocket. Maybe Jim isn't sold on Pike as a sex partner yet but he's already sprawled across the man's thighs so he might as well see where this is going.
Pike, however, just pulls out Jim's wallet and tosses it onto his back (there's a joke to be made here about pulling out but if the analogy bears out Jim's just going to get depressed, so it's better not bring it up to begin with.) From the changes in pressure, Jim guesses that Pike is rifling through the wallet, and the guy must have crazy awesome one-handed dexterity because he's still gripping Jim's hair. Jim makes a note to check his credit accounts when he gets back to his bunk (assuming he's allowed back in the barracks, that is, and Pike doesn't just dump him on the outskirts of San Francisco with a bill for back-tuition. Starfleet is efficient that way.)
"Well," Pike says mildly. "This is very impressive."
"S'just what I was thinking," Jim says, and hopes that Pike isn't telepathic because then Jim's really fucked.
Pike taps something thin and rigid against Jim's lowermost vertebrae. "I don't think I've ever seen a counterfeit access card this convincing," he says. "Did you make it yourself?"
Jim grins proudly. "Yeah," he says.
"Really?" Pike sounds impressed. "You didn't buy it from someone else?"
"Nope!" Jim says. "I de-ionized the strip on my mess card and-wait." His eyes open wide. He squirms but Pike just clamps a hand over Jim's hip. He's still holding the access card and it makes his palm feel alien, unyielding. "No," Jim says. "I did buy it, and I'll tell you who from if you promise not to press charges."
"Bullshit," says Pike.
"I want a lawyer," says Jim, and hiccups.
"How about I give you a kick in the ass instead," Pike says, and Jim lets out a vaguely protest-y sounding string of vowels because come on, he hasn't even chosen a safeword yet. For a guy who keeps yelling at Jim for breaking the rules, Pike certainly isn't going by the book, here.
It's a perfectly legitimate complaint, but all it gets him is a forcible headshake and the corner of the access card digging into the new bruise on his hip. "You mind telling me how you can successfully counterfeit an access card but failed half of your mandatory certifications last week?"
Jim didn't study and got drunk the night before because, see, it's not really a failure if you didn't try. That's not the salient point, however. "I thought you weren't supposed to get those scores until the morning," he, well, whines. It's objectively a whine and Jim is man enough to admit that.
"I do know some people in Starfleet," Pike says, and before Jim can ask if he knows them biblically, Pike gives his head another small shake. "Kirk, are you trying to get kicked out of Starfleet?"
Warning: ends suddenly. is not finished. I suck. :/
1,824 words, rated R for language and sexual innuendo, Jim + Pike, dubious canonicity
There are only five numbers in a lock code, right. Jim is Eskimo brothers with a guy in Structure and Facilities Management so he happens to know that the first two digits are determined by the building, and Pike leaves his finger on the last number for a few seconds if he's distracted by an aptly timed question from his smartest and most charismatic advisee, so it's just the two middle numbers that Jim has to guess. Jim also has a fuck buddy in Campus Security so he knows that the system doesn't go on alert until the fourth wrong entry with a half hour grace period in between. Going by the worst case scenario that the right code is the last one Jim puts in, he'll still have this sucker cracked well before Pike's yeoman comes in at 0700.
The only problem is, Jim should have put a little more thought into what the "worst case scenario" might really be.
"Is there a particular reason why you are attempting to break into my office, Cadet Kirk?"
Jim yelps and spins around and leans against the door, real casual-like. "I don't know what you're talking about," he slurs, and waits for his vision to come to a complete stop. He is never doubting the quality of Bones' booze again. Never. Neeeever. And not just because it makes Bones cranky.
Pike is probably giving him the stink-eye. Jim doesn't know for sure because the safety lighting doesn't do much but pick out swaths of red along Pike's forehead and nose and transform his eye-sockets into dark abysses that, like, literally gaze also into you, which is cool. Also fucking terrifying. Not that Jim is intimidated by the old coot, or anything, despite various stories floating around the Starfleet wiki about said old coot's aptitude for punching Klingons in the head, and some vague reference to a volcano that is entirely uninformative but impressive nonetheless, not that Jim is impressed by Captain Pike, as has already been said. The wiki's mostly a send-up, anyway. Jim knows this because he has been a frequent contributor since he was nine years old (his mom still gets asked if she can really turn into an elephant.)
Jim suddenly (ok, gradually) realizes that Pike is snapping his fingers in Jim's face and wow, that's rude, but it does give Jim's eyes something they can agree on.
"Sir?" Jim says, but the term of respect is purely tactical.
Pike crosses his arms. "If you do not satisfactorily answer a question posed to you by a superior officer," he says, "I'm going to forget I recognized you, assume that you are an intruder unaffiliated with Starfleet, and proceed to beat the shit out of you." Pike smirks and raises an eyebrow, or maybe his facial bones are just rearranging themselves.
This safety lighting could be a little brighter. Jim doesn't feel safe at all.
"Is that understood?" Pike asks.
Jim does understand the situation as it has been presented, but he didn't get the highest mark on the first test in Survival Theory because he accepts the surface of things. "Is there a third option?" he asks.
There follows a brief and intense flurry of physical activity during which Jim expends half of his current mental capacity in noting the positions of his various limbs (all over the damn place) and the other half in noting for future reference that Captain Christopher Pike does not bluff.
Jim re-assesses his physical position once the involuntary manhandling comes to an end and decides that, if Jim's life were a porno (and he does wonder sometimes) this is the part where Pike would start slapping his ass and calling him a dirty little slut. Not that Jim has considered Pike in porn before, of course, and he's not necessarily changing his opinion of the guy now just because the guy is, contrary to all visual evidence (sexy visual evidence, in Jim's case) just as buff as Jim is.
Granted, Pike's voice does this deep growly thing and his fingertips are digging in right above Jim's hipbone in an edge-of-painful grip which usually presages Good Things, but the guy has wrinkles, man. Just a few, maybe, in select places like a calligraphic embellishment, but they're still there and Jim draws the line at wrinkles even though Pike isn't, like, a withered sac or anything. He's actually surprisingly wiry, and knows exactly where to apply pressure to make Jim's back arch, and the crow's feet are admittedly pretty sexy, in an "I'm the oldest and the baddest lion in the pride" kind of way and ok, maybe Jim is changing his opinion based on new evidence. That's the sign of an intelligent mind, see, and Jim is drunk, so this whole paradigm shift is actually very impressive. Jim is awesome.
He's also on his hands and knees, but hey, power isn't always about who's on top, ok, and just because Jim is saying "Ow ow ow!" and unsuccessfully trying to crawl away doesn't mean he's not in complete control here.
"Are you going to be a little more forthcoming, now, Cadet Kirk?" Pike asks, and pushes just slightly on the arm he has pinned behind Kirk's back.
Jim says "Owwwww," which translates as "Bite me," if you speak Drunk (it's a very flexible language, actually; "Ow" can mean just about anything. Jim keeps offering to tutor Cadet Uhura in the intricacies of Drunk Speak but she keeps questioning his motives. It's very hurtful, especially when she slaps.)
Pike lets up and, for a few sweet seconds, Jim's shoulder doesn't hurt. Not that pain deters him in any way whatsoever, because Jim is a badass, and also drunk. Like, a lot drunk. But not as drunk as he was an hour ago when he fell down the stairs and laughed (Bones laughed, too, so clearly he is a terrible minion. Doctor. Whatever.)
"Allow me to repeat the question. Why were you-Do not throw up on my carpet," Pike snaps, and holy shit, he must have some kind of superpower because Jim was well on his way to Vomit Town but took a sharp turn into Swallow City like his digestive system is hardwired to respond to Pike's commands and woah, that could get really hilarious or really gross, depending on how sadistic Pike is. That's assuming, of course, that he knows about this ability he has and the specifics on how it works because, like, maybe he has to intend it as a command or maybe it's just the words that matter, so if Jim is in hearing range when Pike gets frustrated, things could get messy. Further note of inquiry: is it just digestion, or all bodily functions? Jim's going to be careful who he stands next to from now on in case Pike says "fuck."
Pike suddenly grabs a hank of Jim's hair and twists his head to the side to get a look at his face, and that's a blatantly sexual move, right? So Jim is not responsible for the long moan he makes and how his ass tilts up automatically. He'll take credit, though, especially since the silence emanating from Pike has a delicious flavor of gobsmacked. Point for Jim.
Pike regroups: "How the hell did you even get in the building at 0400?" he says, even though from where Jim's standing (lying. kneeling. whatever.) the more important question is what the hell is Pike doing in the building at 0400? Jim knows that sometimes old people like to wake up with the birds but this is ridiculous.
Pike lets goes of Jim's arm and pinches the skin above his hipbone, hard, and it occurs to Jim that he might have just said all of that aloud. What mostly occurs to him, however, is that fucking hurt. Pinching overrides hardcore-osity, ok, even girls know that.
"Owwwww," Jim says eloquently, and then abruptly switches it to "Heeeeeeey" because Pike has just shoved his hand into Jim's back pocket. Maybe Jim isn't sold on Pike as a sex partner yet but he's already sprawled across the man's thighs so he might as well see where this is going.
Pike, however, just pulls out Jim's wallet and tosses it onto his back (there's a joke to be made here about pulling out but if the analogy bears out Jim's just going to get depressed, so it's better not bring it up to begin with.) From the changes in pressure, Jim guesses that Pike is rifling through the wallet, and the guy must have crazy awesome one-handed dexterity because he's still gripping Jim's hair. Jim makes a note to check his credit accounts when he gets back to his bunk (assuming he's allowed back in the barracks, that is, and Pike doesn't just dump him on the outskirts of San Francisco with a bill for back-tuition. Starfleet is efficient that way.)
"Well," Pike says mildly. "This is very impressive."
"S'just what I was thinking," Jim says, and hopes that Pike isn't telepathic because then Jim's really fucked.
Pike taps something thin and rigid against Jim's lowermost vertebrae. "I don't think I've ever seen a counterfeit access card this convincing," he says. "Did you make it yourself?"
Jim grins proudly. "Yeah," he says.
"Really?" Pike sounds impressed. "You didn't buy it from someone else?"
"Nope!" Jim says. "I de-ionized the strip on my mess card and-wait." His eyes open wide. He squirms but Pike just clamps a hand over Jim's hip. He's still holding the access card and it makes his palm feel alien, unyielding. "No," Jim says. "I did buy it, and I'll tell you who from if you promise not to press charges."
"Bullshit," says Pike.
"I want a lawyer," says Jim, and hiccups.
"How about I give you a kick in the ass instead," Pike says, and Jim lets out a vaguely protest-y sounding string of vowels because come on, he hasn't even chosen a safeword yet. For a guy who keeps yelling at Jim for breaking the rules, Pike certainly isn't going by the book, here.
It's a perfectly legitimate complaint, but all it gets him is a forcible headshake and the corner of the access card digging into the new bruise on his hip. "You mind telling me how you can successfully counterfeit an access card but failed half of your mandatory certifications last week?"
Jim didn't study and got drunk the night before because, see, it's not really a failure if you didn't try. That's not the salient point, however. "I thought you weren't supposed to get those scores until the morning," he, well, whines. It's objectively a whine and Jim is man enough to admit that.
"I do know some people in Starfleet," Pike says, and before Jim can ask if he knows them biblically, Pike gives his head another small shake. "Kirk, are you trying to get kicked out of Starfleet?"