TW fic: The Applesauce Incident Is What Tipped Them Off, Really (G/PG, Gen)

[kayliemalinza]

Title: The Applesauce Incident Is What Tipped Them Off, Really
Rating: G. PG for implied violence?
Word Count: 916 (510 added!)
Pairing: implied Jack/Ianto, but mostly gen
Inspiration: the phrase "an angry apple" in this fic. I'm also maybe poking a bit of fun at my personal characterization of Ianto.
Series: I guess with this and Crème Brûlèe

Comments

Re: NOM NOM NOMMMMMMM!

[order_of_chaos]

Yes. Yes, yes, yes.
Tosh would be an AWESOME StrictSchoolteacher, yes?
And yes. And Ianto would make a very good school-student.

...and then he goes even further and she just so happens to be holding a ruler, and and and....

ow
sorry. i didn't mean to do that
it's alright. i was just... I...
you what?
never mind
do i need to spank you again?
...
oh. oh

I'm going to move on now before you encourage me I embarrass myself. what's it like when Ianto doms? GUH topless Tosh tied up STOP IT, BRAIN.
Me? Encourage you? Never.
Meticulous. Artistic. Whimsical. Sadistic. Tosh on a backdrop of black velvet, arms up above her head and tied there so she's all stretched out and on display. Mock-blindfolded with a strip of black gauze thin enough to see through.
But I'm not thinking that.

The Good!Twin needs to be set pre-Exit Wounds, so Owen can be around. The moment of revelation that their Ianto is the evil twin is going to be awesome.
But long in coming - maybe weeks, even - because naturally they'd all assume their Ianto was the good one, and just as naturally their Ianto wouldn't do anything to dissuade them from this notion.
Important point: there's a big difference between being good and being naive. Good!Ianto wouldn't do anything to endanger Lisa - certainly not trust a not-so-random stranger to not kill her.

Is the brand of creamer that you use carcinogenic, or something?"
Evil!Ianto: No. Just evil.

Question: How do Good vs. Evil Ianto react to Jack's inevitable suggestion of a threesome?
Evil!Ianto: [slowly, deliberately removes his tie] Hands behind your back, sir. And turn around.
Jack: [obeys. holds still as Ianto ties his wrists together]
Good!Ianto: Jack, are you sure...?
Jack: Don't worry, sweetheart. He won't hurt me.
Evil!Ianto: Ahem.
Jack: [swallows] I mean. He will hurt me. Probably. I like it.
Good!Ianto: Ah...
Jack: We've done this before. [grins] Besides - you'll be here, won't you? You'll protect me.
Good!Ianto: Yes. Yes, I will.

Re: NOM NOM NOMMMMMMM!

[kayliemalinza]

OMG JUST IMAGINE TOSH AND IANTO FLIRTING WITH EACH OTHER. Ianto would be all lip-curling and smirky and Tosh would be a bit abashed but shy-smiling and she'd be sekritly snarky, too, and Ianto would be comfy because Tosh doesn't initiate physical contact all that often and Tosh would be comfy because Ianto is gentlemanly and makes sure she knows how he's going to touch her and is ok with it before he does it (in the realm of arm strokes and facekissing-- beyond that, a little surprise is nice) and Tosh doesn't know quite how it happens, but Ianto has her flushed and witty and her breasts just sort of... reach out of their own accord and he just gets lost in them and her code's done compiling but she doesn't care and DAMMIT DAMMIT. DAMMIT, BRAIN.

Hey. Hey. Good!Ianto would initially get on very well with Tosh (prompting Owen to think he was the evil one, although otherwise Owen maintained that their Ianto was the evil one from the beginning) but at some point Tosh makes a little (evil) joke and Good!Ianto doesn't get it and Tosh is sweet about it, but afterward she goes right to her Ianto and tells him, "I think you're the Evil twin." And Ianto looks at her in mild horror for a moment, then lets out a long breath and says, "I'm so glad someone else finally noticed. I felt so constrained, pretending to be good all the time." And Tosh smiles her sweet little smile and says, "Can you keep it up for a tiny bit longer? There's a joke I want to play on Owen." And Ianto looks at her, and their eyes meet, and their lips curl up in identical smiles and and and I'm stopping there. I'm stopping before it gets porny.

I know Good!Ianto wouldn't want to endanger Lisa-- but he might recognize long before Evil!Ianto that not enough of Lisa is left. The thing is, even if he doesn't tell Jack about her outright, he wouldn't sneak Lisa into the Hub-- that is a patently evil thing to do-- so how/why does he help her? How does he end up working for Torchwood Cardiff? This is assuming that Good!Ianto is from an AU and accidentally falls into this universe-- which might not be how it happens at all. If we wanted to avoid these concerns, he could just be Scottish...?

Re: the creamer
Gwen, of course, will be the one to ask what everyone is thinking. "How can creamer be evil?" They decide not to risk it and confiscate all the creamer anyway, for testing. At least, they do until Ianto complains and Jack points out that claiming the creamer is evil when it isn't is a perfectly evil thing to do, and they should all calm down.

Hee, let me guess. Good!Ianto actually lets Jack call him petnames, and Jack takes full advantage.
Evil: He called you sweetheart.
Good: (shrugs)
Evil: But that's... distasteful.
Good: It makes him happy. (smile)
Evil: (disgusted)

So-- on Good!Ianto protecting Jack--
Evil: (does something Evil)
Jack: Aaah! (squirms and whimpers)
Good: Stop that!
Evil: Make me. (purrs) Please.
Jack: (watching them with unfocused eyes) Oh yes, please....
Thereupon Good!Ianto realizes he doesn't actually know how or want to stop Evil!Ianto, so he decides to be really nice to Jack instead, stroking, kissing and murmuring to him while Evil!Ianto continues his nefarious doings, and Jack goes deliciously crazy in the middle of it all.

Evil!Ianto is Evil

[order_of_chaos]

OMG Ianto and Tosh and identical smiles of evilness. Yessssssss. *is ded*
Part of me is convinced that they also stop before it gets porny, and just let the UST build. And build, and build, all the while knowing exactly what they're doing to each other. Insinuating glances over cups of coffee. Emails that border on cybersex.

Good!Ianto and Evil!Ianto are refusing to make sense in my brain. Splitting Ianto into two is easy enough (random alien tech) but would result in both Iantos belonging to our Torchwood when we only want the evil one, but an AU doesn't explain the one good one evil phenomenon; AU!Ianto being good wouldn't mean our Ianto had to be evil - it would make more sense for them both to be a mix.
So now I'm thinking the split happened back at Torchwood One - he was with Lisa, and they hadn't had time to work out the fine details of how their relationship was going to work with two Iantos (TW1 didn't think he could be stuck back together and, while they were still trying, everyone was obsessed with ghost shifts), or how to tell them apart or anything. And then Canary Wharf happened and Darth Ianto, not trusting Good!Ianto not to "do the right thing" even if it meant killing what was left of Lisa, ran off to Cardiff without telling him and joined TW3 as told in Fragments. (And over time their personalities would have evened out into only mostly good and mostly evil.)
But that doesn't explain where Good!Ianto's been all this time. Maybe he should just be Scottish. Or maybe he went to Scotland to herd sheep and mourn Lisa in his own non-evil way that didn't involve slathering Jack with BBQ sauce and staking him up as an offering to the pterodactyl.

Evil!creamer is Evil. It's just pretending to be good so it can get back to its Ianto.

Thereupon Good!Ianto realizes he doesn't actually know how or want to stop Evil!Ianto, so he decides to be really nice to Jack instead, stroking, kissing and murmuring to him while Evil!Ianto continues his nefarious doings, and Jack goes deliciously crazy in the middle of it all.
Happy!Chaos is happy! *purrs*

Re: Evil!Ianto is Evil

[kayliemalinza]

For some reason, I'm imagining Ianto slipping Tosh a folded card with her coffee: it's a lovely, subtly-colored, Art-Deco erotic drawing. With bondage scarves. MEANWHILE Good!Ianto sets out tiny vases of flowers, and while Gwen is touched, Tosh can't be bothered, really. Evil!Ianto convinces Tosh to include Good!Ianto in her Fantastically Complicated and Brilliant Prankish Plan of Evilness Against Owen. They eventually target Jack and Gwen, too, 'cause their reactions are funny. (I am in no way angling for EvilTwin!Tosh. Nope. Not at all. Tosh is unique and special and singular. Her Evilness needs no counter. Owen starts the search for her Good twin anyway.)

An AU *could* account for one good, on evil-- aside from being a beloved trope (i.e., Bizarro world), Doctor Who has done it before, in Two's era. I haven't seen the serial in question, but it involves Two as a frilly world dictator, and the Brig with an eyepatch. And they were deliciously evil. So if you want to go the AU twin approach but are looking for canon precedent, there you go. Good!Ianto might even remember Evil!Two, hee.

Otherwise-- the twins knew each other beforehand? That could make for some very interesting conversations with Good!Ianto first shows up in Cardiff. "What are you doing here?" "I finally tracked you down! You didn't make it easy!" "That's because I never want to see you again." "...oh." (sad face.) And then Gwen goes, "Oh, Ianto, how can you be so cruel?" and Jack squishes Good!Ianto to his bosom and chides, "Whatever problems you two have, I'm sure they can be worked out." Only Owen has enough sense to say, "Wait a minute. Two Ianto's is a problem!" Then, of course, Our!Ianto has to protect himself by claiming that the other Ianto is Evil, which leads to such ~original conversations (what? I LIKE TROPES!) as, "I'm not!" "Only someone who was evil would say they weren't!" "But Ianto, aren't you saying that?" "Shut up, Owen." "You know what? I don't care either way. I'm going to watch porn. Let me know if you need any medical testing done."

The image of Good!Ianto weeping silently on a massive Highland hill while surrounded by sheep is poignant and slightly hilarious. Let's do it! (He gets a kilt, right? prompting Evil!Ianto to scoff at Good!Ianto's nationality confusion and prompting Jack to go hazy-eyed and draw him closer. Owen thinks the kilt means he's evil. I don't think Owen ever quite answers to his own satisfaction which of the two is evil, actually. He eventually concludes "they're both rotten buggers what need to leave me alone.")

Also, the image of Jack slathered in BBQ sauce is compelling as well and I think Evil!Ianto might try that if he gets a bit desperate.

I think that Evil!Ianto becomes quite a lot like an abusive older brother because, really, how is Good!Ianto going to fight back? By hugging him? Good!Ianto can stand up for himself with normal people just fine ("Please stop hitting me. It isn't nice."), but Evil doesn't react to the normal methods. Evil!Ianto ties him up and leaves him somewhere. He does, he does. He probably did that back in London, too, but Lisa found him, and made them kiss and make up.