Asthenia - Eunhyuk Centric
Title: Asthenia
Fic Challenge: 044. Rejection, Eunhyuk/Eunhyuk (1/100)
Author: kayjayloves
Chapter: 1/1
Pairing: Eunhyuk/Eunhyuk
Band: Super Junior
Genre: angst
Rating: G
Warning: angsty internal conflict
Disclaimer: *sigh* No, no owning ):
Synopsis: (it’s not him, it’s not him, it’s not him, he chants - but underneath a thick sheet of denial he knows his own mind creates the thoughts, the voice.)
Comments: Ah, written at midnight to the song One Step Closer by Linkin Park. XD
He studies the dances over and over; watching miniscule movements in each video with intentness, desperate to find something, something that satisfies the stream of criticism running through his head. His logical mind says ‘Oh, that’s good,’ but - it’s stopped by the louder, overbearing voice - It’s not good enough.
He listens, and knows it’s telling the truth, (this voice inside his head that he doesn’t want to admit is himself but knows all the same - full of the criticism, the harsh displeasure, the rejection - it’s inside him and him and not him, but it’s in control no matter what, quietly breathing distain in his ears.) and the despair bubbles up in his stomach and into his soul.
He dances the new moves over and over, watching in the mirror as his body twists and flows and contorts. The movements feel good - natural - and for a moment he’s pleased with the way everything’s turning out. (but the voice is there, it’s always there, waiting and watching and coming in for the kill) Then he takes a wrong step and his hand is pointing the wrong way, and the disappointment destroys him.
He raps, and knows the tune well; he’s been practicing the rhyme inside his head all day. It’s fresh and powerful, he tries it out in front of the bathroom mirror and grins - Shindong hears him and calls a word of approval from the other room. The voice rests inside his head (watching, waiting.) but he can feel it simmering behind his eyes.
He entertains the others over and over - the hidden cameras always seem to point his way and the pranks get pulled regularly, but he takes it with humor. Inside him, the voice is murmuring how he’s letting them walk over him, how he’s being so soft and weak - but this is the way he’s making them happy, he thinks, (and it’s the only way he knows how, because he wants to keep the others happy, he needs to) and the voice replies with sneering indifference.
He breaks, and knows the voice is the cause. (it’s not him, it’s not him, it’s not him, he chants - but underneath a thick sheet of denial he knows his own mind creates the thoughts, the voice.) He lies in a cold bed, listening to the steady breathing of the other inhabitants of the room, and really thinks - thinks about letting the others down, thinks about the screaming words in his head. Thinks about how tired he is, and how frustrated - and he can’t, can’t, can’t show this weakness, the voice murmurs viciously.
He wipes the tears over and over, staring at the reflection of a boy with swollen eyes and thin limbs. (too thin - not strong enough, those dances aren’t getting any better) But he pauses, looks again - closer, and imagines he can see the shadow of the voice pressing against his back and head and shoulders - pressing against him, working with gravity in an effort to pull him down.
(get back to work, the voice yells - shut up shut up shut up he yells back.)
It’s quiet.
-------
Author's Notes:
Hm, first Suju fic that isn't a 100 word drabble XD - this one wrote itself, really. :O
Comments are love, all!
Fic Challenge: 044. Rejection, Eunhyuk/Eunhyuk (1/100)
Author: kayjayloves
Chapter: 1/1
Pairing: Eunhyuk/Eunhyuk
Band: Super Junior
Genre: angst
Rating: G
Warning: angsty internal conflict
Disclaimer: *sigh* No, no owning ):
Synopsis: (it’s not him, it’s not him, it’s not him, he chants - but underneath a thick sheet of denial he knows his own mind creates the thoughts, the voice.)
Comments: Ah, written at midnight to the song One Step Closer by Linkin Park. XD
He studies the dances over and over; watching miniscule movements in each video with intentness, desperate to find something, something that satisfies the stream of criticism running through his head. His logical mind says ‘Oh, that’s good,’ but - it’s stopped by the louder, overbearing voice - It’s not good enough.
He listens, and knows it’s telling the truth, (this voice inside his head that he doesn’t want to admit is himself but knows all the same - full of the criticism, the harsh displeasure, the rejection - it’s inside him and him and not him, but it’s in control no matter what, quietly breathing distain in his ears.) and the despair bubbles up in his stomach and into his soul.
He dances the new moves over and over, watching in the mirror as his body twists and flows and contorts. The movements feel good - natural - and for a moment he’s pleased with the way everything’s turning out. (but the voice is there, it’s always there, waiting and watching and coming in for the kill) Then he takes a wrong step and his hand is pointing the wrong way, and the disappointment destroys him.
He raps, and knows the tune well; he’s been practicing the rhyme inside his head all day. It’s fresh and powerful, he tries it out in front of the bathroom mirror and grins - Shindong hears him and calls a word of approval from the other room. The voice rests inside his head (watching, waiting.) but he can feel it simmering behind his eyes.
He entertains the others over and over - the hidden cameras always seem to point his way and the pranks get pulled regularly, but he takes it with humor. Inside him, the voice is murmuring how he’s letting them walk over him, how he’s being so soft and weak - but this is the way he’s making them happy, he thinks, (and it’s the only way he knows how, because he wants to keep the others happy, he needs to) and the voice replies with sneering indifference.
He breaks, and knows the voice is the cause. (it’s not him, it’s not him, it’s not him, he chants - but underneath a thick sheet of denial he knows his own mind creates the thoughts, the voice.) He lies in a cold bed, listening to the steady breathing of the other inhabitants of the room, and really thinks - thinks about letting the others down, thinks about the screaming words in his head. Thinks about how tired he is, and how frustrated - and he can’t, can’t, can’t show this weakness, the voice murmurs viciously.
He wipes the tears over and over, staring at the reflection of a boy with swollen eyes and thin limbs. (too thin - not strong enough, those dances aren’t getting any better) But he pauses, looks again - closer, and imagines he can see the shadow of the voice pressing against his back and head and shoulders - pressing against him, working with gravity in an effort to pull him down.
(get back to work, the voice yells - shut up shut up shut up he yells back.)
It’s quiet.
-------
Author's Notes:
Hm, first Suju fic that isn't a 100 word drabble XD - this one wrote itself, really. :O
Comments are love, all!