(no subject)
so i visited the high school today. it was very interesting: overall a very nice visit. i got to see erin dederich and billy and morgan and master singers and mr scheehle, and katie schwalbach was there of all people, saw her brother, saw zach brose (who is a bari sax player now!!) and i yelled to him "ZACH, YOU PLAY MY INSTRUMENT" i should really apologize if that was too much, i was just very excited he had made the switch, excellent choice.
i found out that university singers might be making a stop at good ol' mfhs during tour this year, which would be extremely fun and exciting :). also, i talked to mr scheehle today and he's really a cool guy, johnson is too. i got all caught up on whats going down in the theory class these days, shared my feelings on my final exam last year (i was raped up the ass with a cactus, let me tell you) and johnson said he would not repeat the 15 page, over 500 question with 2 pieces to analyze at the end, finish in 90 minutes exam. THANK GOD.
speaking of that man, not johnson, the other one. i had a very deep conversation about that last night. it was interesting to see how the college kids were feeling about the whole thing. i've really grown numb. i'm not exactly sure what to think about it. i feel bad that i look back at my high school career and experience and all i remember is the second semester of my senior year...the worst part is is that all i remember is that it was a blur...a sucky, depressing, numbing blur. Then if i look past that, i remember good times: good times i feel bad about thinking that they were good. its just so messy.
what makes it hurt is the fact that he was someone we trusted. girls especially. guys just viewed him as one of the guys, whatev, he was cool, no biggie. girls would sit in his office and cry and give him the power to make them better. if something was wrong or they needed advice, they turned to him. even myself, i remember the musical was starting to hit me pretty hard and until the day he was gone he was like "katie, just because the musical is going on doesn't mean you can give up in my class" because my grades always plummeted during musicals...anyways girls would give them their all...they would pour out their heart and soul to him and just ask for his advice, his htoughts, his opinion. then when he just left, he took so many hearts and so many souls with him. pieces that can never be returned. and you look back and you want that person back...not this guy who did this horrible thing, but the one that we knew, the one we trusted, but we all know we can never have him back. that hurts. it hurts me, but its hurting other people more.
i think part of the reason it doesn't hurt me as bad as its hurting some people is that i've done it already. i've been through the whole giving someone your love and trust and soul and pouring yourself out to them only to have them walk out on you one day. my dad did it already, i've already experienced it. i was still living with the pain of that, so when this other thing hit, it was like blowing a hole in a sinking ship, there just wasn't much more damage that could be done.
i think the saddest part is that he's not sorry. he's sorry for leaving behind kids and he's sorry for making people feel bad, but i dont' think he's sorry for what he did. i just dont' think he is.
and he never will be.
thats the part that gets me. he isn't and he never will be.
so many unanswered questions that i'm not even sure i want the answers to, they're just interesting to think about. i know its been almost a year, but that was a major event in my life; in many people's lives. i will never forget it. so i guess an lj entry about random thoughts is alright once in awhile. it doesn't take over my life or anything...there's just so many things, so many questions, so many thoughts, so many everythings...and its all just well...it makes you wonder.
i (finally) dont really have much else to say...its all just interesting to ponder and contemplate and such.
the end.
kt
ps I'M GOING TO PBR TOMORROW!! :)
i found out that university singers might be making a stop at good ol' mfhs during tour this year, which would be extremely fun and exciting :). also, i talked to mr scheehle today and he's really a cool guy, johnson is too. i got all caught up on whats going down in the theory class these days, shared my feelings on my final exam last year (i was raped up the ass with a cactus, let me tell you) and johnson said he would not repeat the 15 page, over 500 question with 2 pieces to analyze at the end, finish in 90 minutes exam. THANK GOD.
speaking of that man, not johnson, the other one. i had a very deep conversation about that last night. it was interesting to see how the college kids were feeling about the whole thing. i've really grown numb. i'm not exactly sure what to think about it. i feel bad that i look back at my high school career and experience and all i remember is the second semester of my senior year...the worst part is is that all i remember is that it was a blur...a sucky, depressing, numbing blur. Then if i look past that, i remember good times: good times i feel bad about thinking that they were good. its just so messy.
what makes it hurt is the fact that he was someone we trusted. girls especially. guys just viewed him as one of the guys, whatev, he was cool, no biggie. girls would sit in his office and cry and give him the power to make them better. if something was wrong or they needed advice, they turned to him. even myself, i remember the musical was starting to hit me pretty hard and until the day he was gone he was like "katie, just because the musical is going on doesn't mean you can give up in my class" because my grades always plummeted during musicals...anyways girls would give them their all...they would pour out their heart and soul to him and just ask for his advice, his htoughts, his opinion. then when he just left, he took so many hearts and so many souls with him. pieces that can never be returned. and you look back and you want that person back...not this guy who did this horrible thing, but the one that we knew, the one we trusted, but we all know we can never have him back. that hurts. it hurts me, but its hurting other people more.
i think part of the reason it doesn't hurt me as bad as its hurting some people is that i've done it already. i've been through the whole giving someone your love and trust and soul and pouring yourself out to them only to have them walk out on you one day. my dad did it already, i've already experienced it. i was still living with the pain of that, so when this other thing hit, it was like blowing a hole in a sinking ship, there just wasn't much more damage that could be done.
i think the saddest part is that he's not sorry. he's sorry for leaving behind kids and he's sorry for making people feel bad, but i dont' think he's sorry for what he did. i just dont' think he is.
and he never will be.
thats the part that gets me. he isn't and he never will be.
so many unanswered questions that i'm not even sure i want the answers to, they're just interesting to think about. i know its been almost a year, but that was a major event in my life; in many people's lives. i will never forget it. so i guess an lj entry about random thoughts is alright once in awhile. it doesn't take over my life or anything...there's just so many things, so many questions, so many thoughts, so many everythings...and its all just well...it makes you wonder.
i (finally) dont really have much else to say...its all just interesting to ponder and contemplate and such.
the end.
kt
ps I'M GOING TO PBR TOMORROW!! :)