The Box

[kayden_eidyak]

Week two entry for brigits_flame
Prompt: key
250 words

Loosely based on the story of Pandora. I'm not sure how something like this is supposed to be punctuated, so any suggestions are welcome.

The Boxby Kayden Eidyak

Comments

Edit

[shadowdream]

Well done! As others have said, great rhythm! You did a good job capturing the myth. I like it. :)

There isn't a whole lot to fix here. It is poetry, so punctuation varies by writer. You could punctuate it just like you would punctuate a story you were writing. You could keep it like it is and put a comma after each line, putting end punctuation (.?!) where it makes sense.. You could omit it altogether, or you could just leave it like it is. Poetry is meant to be creative, and thus unless you are doing a specific form, there aren't really hard and fast rules.

The only section I would suggest reworking is this one:

Just one look was my only thought
What trouble could but one look wrought

Wrought is not used properly in that sentence. Wrought is the archaic past tense for work. I would suggest maybe something like "What trouble (ever) has one look wrought" I put ever in ()'s because you could take or leave it. It's a little awkward, but it keeps the rhythm better I think.

Overall, great job! Thank you for sharing with us! Keep up the good work! :)

Re: Edit

[kayden_eidyak]

Thank you very much! And thank you also for pointing out that incorrectly-used word. I had NO idea I used that wrong, so I'm glad someone mentioned that to me. I shall change it. Thanks again!