sleepy hollow 2x11: the akeda
Well, that escalated quickly.
Previously on Sleepy Hollow: Team Witness found a really shiny sword, and also Moloch has risen. Which has now led to some kind of apocalyptic lightning storm, in which oddly-colored lightning strikes any electronics our heros might deem useful. At least I think that’s how it works. I really don’t know. Basically Ichabod is really anxious about the GPS in their car, and then the car itself breaks down for no particular reason, justifying his technophobia. And also conveniently strikes the gas station where they broke down (or maybe got towed...or pushed the car...oh god, the basic continuity errors in this show are driving me to drink, and let me tell you, it wasn’t a long drive). So they steal a motorcycle instead, and Ichabod is hilariously awkward about having to put his arms around Abbie in lieu of seat belt.
Incidentally, everyone keeps talking about how this storm signals the End of Days, but I’m pretty sure last season the whole prophecy with the Witnesses talked about seven years of trials and tribulations first. Maybe the writers are justifiably nervous that they might get canceled a little sooner than that.
Abbie and Ichabod zoom up to Fredericks Manor and Ichabod expresses his fervent desire for a motorcycle of his very own. The manor seems to have been abandoned, but at least they get to admire the tastefully satanic furnishings. And Henry’s favorite Weta miniature of Sleepy Hollow, which he has thoughtfully marked with little black flags as clues -- each flag represents some bullshit spell he’s done to speed up the apocalyptic timeline. Surprising no one, they form a pentagram around the town. We hear Katrina screaming, because the most powerful witch in this show is always best utilized as a damsel in distress. The Headless Horseman has her tied up outside for his binding ritual. There is no sense of urgency in any of this, since Headless is easily distracted by Ichabod -- AGAIN -- and Abbie is able to free Katrina in like ten seconds flat. Explain to me how a witch of Katrina’s power wasn’t able to get out of a couple of ropes, please. Take your time thinking about it. I’ll wait.
This all takes place roughly an hour or so after the events of last week’s episode, by the way. You know, the one where Headless inexplicably chose not to kill Ichabod or Abbie despite having total power over them. And now Ichabod’s got the Sword of Methuselah pointed right at his nonexistent throat. Look at your life, Abraham. Look at your choices.
Predictably, Ichabod balks at actually killing his best frenemy, demanding that he talk instead. Headlessly. Again, remember when Headless had to possess Undead John Cho to communicate, and it was legitimately creepy? I miss those days. I also miss Undead John Cho, but Selfie got canceled, so I have hopes he might yet return to us. Anyway, Katrina does some mystical mojo on her pendant so that everyone else can see Abraham’s head, too. He warns Ichabod that all magic comes with a cost, and that the Sword of Methuselah -- you know, the one that can kill any demon in Moloch’s army -- demands sacrifice. If you use it to kill a demon, it takes your soul (and consequently your life) in exchange. Should’ve read the fine print there, buddy. Ichabod’s about to test that theory, but Katrina intervenes, saying the runes on the sword seem to support Abraham’s story. It’s unclear whether she’s more interested in saving Ichabod’s life or Abraham’s. It’s also unclear whether or not she has the slightest idea what she’s talking about. I am rapidly losing what little patience I had for Katrina.
So they chain the Headless Horseman up in the secret underground jail again. That ended so well for them last season! Katrina is tenderly checking Abraham’s restraints, while Ichabod just barely keeps his jealousy in check. Meanwhile, Jenny’s been digging up proof that Abraham was indeed telling the truth about the sword, which renders it kind of useless unless you’re suicidal. Abbie thinks maybe this means the Witnesses are destined to die together taking down the Horsemen. Everything is very grim this week. She wants to know if Ichabod will be ready and willing to kill Henry if necessary; Ichabod prevaricates. But Jenny thinks she might have found a loophole: in the instant you kill someone with the sword, it consumes your soul, but what if you don’t have a soul in the first place? By which she means Frank Irving, whose soul is currently in Henry’s possession. I dislike this plan already.
In the woods, hereafter to be known as the Sleepy Hollow Hellmouth, Henry seems to have transferred his daddy issues from Ichabod to Moloch, and it’s weird. Also we’re apparently burning the four white trees that have symbolized demonic activity ever since the pilot. Bold choice, show.
Katrina’s still trying to seduce Abraham, and it’s starting to sound like a legit lover’s spat. Which is probably why Ichabod looks so uncomfortable. He awkwardly interrupts the "interrogation" to ask Katrina if she agrees that Frank can use the sword without dying. She believes the theory is sound. This whole conversation is painfully stilted and polite -- clearly the sign of a healthy, functional marriage. It gets a bit more heated when Katrina once again starts arguing in favor of Henry and his potential for a redemption arc, which I'm really getting tired of. Just kill the dude, guys, he's a smug whiny evil asshole. Ichabod heads back over to the cabin to continue talking about Henry, now with the Mills sisters, but to my endless gratitude Jenny interrupts to turn the conversation back around to characters I actually care about. Frank's last voicemail to her included some cryptic commentary...which was of course a historically-inspired clue that only Ichabod could decode. When did Frank have the time to come up with this obscure Revolutionary War reference? Anyway, he's hiding in the underground tunnels, as one might expect.
Ichabod and Jenny track him down pretty quickly and explain the situation. Frank has some very reasonable hesitations re: using the sword, but he agrees on the condition that Jenny promises to look after his daughter and ex-wife if he doesn't make it. So that's pretty much the final nail in his coffin right there. Seriously, where is Undead John Cho when you need him? He could totally wield the sword right now, no problem. Frank trades Jenny his rifle for the sword, and in fairness, if he dies, he will die looking totally badass. So there's that.
They return to Headless's jail, where Frank pulls the sword and starts threatening Abraham with it. He's got the crazy eyes going for him. I'm actually kind of creeped out. Maybe this is foreshadowing Frank turning evil instead? I'd probably be okay with that. He'd be a much scarier bad guy than Abraham or Henry have become, that's for damn sure. And I would actually support his subsequent redemption arc. Everyone on this damn show gets a redemption arc eventually. Anyway, Abraham is sufficiently frightened by scary!Frank and starts talking. As each of the white trees burns to black, it triggers more apocalyptic shit: the first is for lightning, the second for blood, the third raises the demon army, and the fourth means Shit has officially Gone Down. (If only there were more trees to burn! There could have been locusts, boils, frogs, death of the firstborn…)
Once Abraham's done talking, Frank's pretty much ready to try out the sword for real, but Katrina intervenes yet again. Because "he has information" and they might "need him later". Um, at this point of the Apocalypse, I feel like you should really start killing as many of the Four Horsemen as you can find. But that would be inconvenient to the plot, so never mind. Jenny would like to go weapons shopping, which means...aw, fuck, we're dragging Hawley into this mess again, aren't we?
Indeed we are. He's partying at the local bar, and is super excited for Jenny and Ichabod to join him for approximately five seconds. Then his face falls. "I'm gonna have to do something less fun, aren't I?" he says, resigned. Less fun for you and me both, Hawley. He follows them out, arguing that there have been thousands of doomsday prophets over the years, and they always, always turn out to be wrong. Of course that's when it starts hailing blood. Hawley shuts up and gets some weapons. He's super impressed that Ichabod managed to bag himself a hot witch for a wife, which is briefly entertaining, but Katrina mournfully reveals that "as Purgatory merges with our world, my power weakens." What the hell, Katrina?! Are you ever going to be useful, like, at all? Anyway, the gang head out to find Henry and Moloch -- except Hawley, who gets left behind to babysit Headless. I approve of this division of labor.
Also Ichabod confronts Katrina over the "it's complicated" facebook status of her relationship with Abraham, and she demands to know why he doesn't trust her. So he lays out in detail all the reasons why she has never once proven worthy of anyone's trust. Wow, he really went there. They both acknowledge that at this point, their marriage is basically a sham, and mutually agree to...well, separate, for lack of a better word, until Moloch has been defeated for good. I feel a little bit bad for them both, but seriously, it's about damn time. There was no way that marriage was gonna survive the run of this show.
Back at the Hellmouth, Moloch is getting pissy with Henry over Abraham's continued absence. I'm not sure why he blames Henry for that in particular, but I also don't care. The third tree goes up in flame, Henry summons his avatar, and a bunch of Revolutionary War zombies start crawling up out of the earth. Wacky fun. The good guys join the fray, and it's actually kind of a fun battle sequence in which everybody gets to look badass and shoot/stab/behead zombies for a while. Except Abbie, who gets shot in the shoulder pretty early on and dragged off by her sister. Frank's slicing and dicing zombies left and right until the Horseman of War shows up. "I got this," he says. You do indeed, Frank.
After an extended swordfight and having taken a couple of painful-looking cuts himself, Frank finally impales the Horseman with the Sword of Methuselah. It dissolves into lava like the One Ring in Mount Doom. That part is pretty awesome. Also, Henry starts crying tears of blood at the destruction of his avatar, which gives me a great deal of personal satisfaction. But then Ichabod realizes just how heavily Frank's wounds are bleeding, and because of the magic drainage thing, Katrina's helpless to heal him. So Frank dies. I am so angry about everything right now. So is Abbie: she loses her shit and Ichabod has to hold her in a very tender and platonic fashion while she cries it out.
Because denial is not just a river in Egypt, I would like to point out that Henry still technically possesses Frank's soul and can do whatever he wants with it. Which means there is absolutely potential for Undead Frank Irving in the future. He can hang out with Undead John Cho. I would totally watch that spin-off show.
Anyway, I've pretty much stopped caring about anything that happens from this point on, but Ichabod says the usual bullshit about how Frank's sacrifice will not be in vain, and Abbie gets pissy and grabs the sword for herself and makes a rousing speech about how they all get to take turns killing demons and dying. Apparently they've become the Suicide Squad. Over at the Hellmouth, Henry is calling Moloch "father" and I am very uncomfortable. Moloch smacks him down, pointing out that "there were Horsemen before you, there will be Horsemen after." Yet another father figure letting Henry down. How tragic. So, basically, everyone has decided to sacrifice themselves at some point tonight. Okay, sure.
Henry returns to St. Henry's Parrish, where Abbie is waiting, sword in hand. Henry counters by enchanting some tree roots. "You brought roots to a sword fight?" Abbie demands incredulously. And then gets completely tangled up in roots. Oops. Jenny shoots Henry before he can pick up the sword, but it doesn't slow him down for long, and she gets her own root cage. But look! It's not the real sword after all! Katrina can't heal Frank, but at least she can still cast illusions on tree branches. Ichabod holds the real sword to Henry's throat, but of course he's not gonna kill him. He movingly retells the biblical story of Abraham and Isaac, Henry gets all wobbly-eyed, and for fuck's sake, Ichabod, he has played you exactly like this before. Surprising no one but the morons in this show, Henry turns out to be faking his heel-face turn, and now the goddamn Horseman of War has the fucking Sword of Methuselah. Full marks for gullibility, Cranes. You deserve everything that's coming to you.
Henry leads them all through the Forest of Wacky Camera Angles, where Moloch is waiting. Moloch orders Henry to kill Katrina first, and he has maybe a nanosecond of hesitation before raising the sword against his own mother. Ichabod interrupts just before he can strike, insisting that Henry kill him instead. Henry kind of glares at him for a bit, and throws the Abraham-and-Isaac story right back in his face. I have to admit, he makes a valid point about what an asshole the Old Testament God was. And then he raises his sword…
...and swings it around to kill Moloch instead. Well, that redemption arc was certainly unearned.
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