and fic.
New journal layout! It was well past time. And also, as promised, new fic.
Sidekicks
by kaydee falls
remus/sirius + peter, james
pg-13
wherein remus and peter get sick of being sidekicks and plot to take over the world marauder's map
disclaimer: not mine, no profit, don't sue
thanks to such_heights for the beta
The dormitory was quite peaceful until Sirius came in. Remus spared only a brief, mournful look at his book before attending to the more urgent matter at hand, being Sirius's entrance into the room. It was probably not a particularly urgent matter in the grander scheme of things, but Sirius was a devout attention whore - nay, the king of all attention whores - who brooked neither disobedience nor disinterest amongst his followers.
Sirius flung himself across his bed with a sound of deepest despair. "I hate the world," he proclaimed to all and sundry. (All being Remus, James, and Peter, and sundry being the chocolate frogs scattered across the floor.)
He followed this sweeping statement with a moment of profound silence.
Remus nudged Peter, who seemed to have missed his cue. "Ow," Peter said, mildly affronted. "Why did you-oh." He composed his pudgy features into a look of great compassion, or possibly indigestion. "Why do you hate the world, Sirius?" he asked dutifully.
Sirius sighed. It was a Gothic sort of sigh, reminiscent of moors and ghosts and heights that wuther. Sirius would probably make an excellent Heathcliff. "You could not possibly understand the depths of my hatred," Sirius said. "When I die, my tombstone will read: 'Here lies Sirius Black, who hated the world, and for very good reason.'" He sighed again.
"Ah," Peter said sagely. "You missed dinner again."
Sirius shot him a scalding look. "Are you a part of this world, Peter? Then do shut up, because I hate you too."
Peter looked appropriately terrified. He was good at that.
Somewhat mollified, Sirius went on. "I hate the world, because it is a cruel and unforgiving place, and because I have just spent four hours in the library, which, as Peter so astutely pointed out, caused me to miss dinner, and I still can't find the binding spell we need for the Map, and it is never going to work." As a final demonstration of his anguish and utter despondency, he pulled the curtains of his four-poster shut around him.
After a moment, James stood and crossed his arms in front of him. "You're daft," he told the curtains firmly.
They swished apart to reveal Sirius's livid face. Sirius was In A Mood, and no one got away with calling him daft when he was In A Mood.
Except James, apparently. Or maybe James just didn't mind finding unpleasant things in his underpants the next morning. "There's a way around it," James said.
Sirius frowned. "But I already tried-"
"Yes," James interrupted, "but what if we use-"
"I don't know if-"
"And then a little-"
"Well, then we'd need-"
"Which I could whip up-"
"Yes! " Sirius shouted triumphantly, leaping off his bed. "Come on, let's get the-"
James and Sirius dashed out of the room.
For a few seconds, Remus and Peter just looked at each other.
"What just happened?" Peter asked, somewhat plaintively. "How do they do that?"
Remus sighed. "We'll never know," he said, resigned. "This is why James and Sirius are James and Sirius, and we are merely sidekicks to their greatness. We are useful and amusing, but ultimately expendable. It's just the Way Things Are."
Peter nodded solemnly and offered Remus a Sugar Quill. Remus accepted it. They munched their sweets in companionable silence as they waited for James and Sirius to return.
*
Peter was definitely James's particular sidekick, Remus decided, as they watched the Gryffindor Quidditch practice. Peter had a slightly irritating tendency to bounce in his seat while watching James fly, and was inclined to let out a loud whoop or burst of applause whenever James did anything particularly exciting, such as turning, or being near the Quaffle.
Which meant, by default, that Remus was probably Sirius's sidekick. He supposed that made some sort of sense. He was more likely to trail after Sirius than James, anyway, on the rare occasions when he was inclined to trail after anyone. And there was the dog-wolf connection, which only really mattered once a month, but still.
In the air over the Quidditch pitch, Sirius thwacked a Bludger at James a little too gleefully. James rolled out of the way just in time, letting loose a string of unintelligible curses.
Well, if it came to that, it was probably best that Remus stood behind the bloke with the big bat. Safer, anyway.
The Bludger swung in a wide arc that skimmed the stands, and Peter threw himself out of the way with an undignified yelp. Remus laughed.
*
It was no great secret at Hogwarts that Sirius Black was as queer as a copper Snitch. Not that it made the slightest dent in his popularity; he was frequently surrounded by girls who thought they might just be the one to cure him of his shirt-lifting ways, and boys who weren't so much gay as horny and quite content to fool around with someone who actually knew what to do with a cock (and rumors abounded about Sirius's particularly talented hands and mouth).
All in all, Remus thought it incredibly unfair. Anyone else would have been struggling under the weight of that particular social stigma, while Sirius wore it like a badge of honor.
"You know," Sirius remarked casually, as he and Remus made their way back to the castle, "I quite fancy you."
Remus nearly tripped over his own feet. "Beg pardon?"
"I quite fancy you."
They were very, very alone. Sirius always took the longest to change after Quidditch practice, and James and Peter had long since abandoned them in favor of dinner. And Sirius was now claiming to fancy Remus. Safe Remus, sidekick Remus.
Werewolf Remus who already had more than his fair share of social stigma to suffer through, thank you very much.
Still, though.
Remus started to open his mouth, but Sirius cut him off with an airy wave of his hand. It was infuriating, really, the way Sirius could get away with such hand-waving and still maintain his masculine allure. When Remus tried, he just looked limp-wristed and painfully fey.
"It's all right," Sirius said. "I know you're not a poofter. I just thought you should know."
There were any number of things Remus could have said in response to this, the most obvious being actually, I rather think I am a poofter. But all that he could manage was a somewhat stifled "oh."
"Don't worry, I promise not to molest you in the showers," Sirius said lightly, at which point he apparently lost all interest in the conversation and darted off to give Caradoc Dearborn a slap on the arse.
And, really, it was just as well, because Sirius was Sirius and nothing would ever change that. Because if Remus admitted to fancying him, Sirius would still go off and give Caradoc a fondle behind the statue of Sir Erkanwulf the Erect, and that would just be horrid. Better he go on blithely shagging his way through the male population of Hogwarts without knowing. Better to let Remus go on thinking such unwarranted cruelty was unintentional, than open himself up and just get hurt all over again, and again, and again.
Besides, it wasn't like Sirius actually fancied Remus. He just said it to wind Remus up, because he thought Remus was straight and it would unnerve him. Only possible explanation.
Being Sirius's sidekick really sucked sometimes.
*
James and Sirius were off being brilliant or possibly deranged somewhere. Their sidekicks were left to do homework in the library. Remus, bored with his Charms reading, prodded Peter with a quill. "Let's do something."
"I am," Peter replied, swatting Remus's quill away. "Ancient Runes essay. Geroff."
"Let's work on the Map," Remus wheedled. It was a sad day when Remus was reduced to pushing Peter into anything vaguely prankish.
"James has it," Peter replied, not even looking up. "Anyway, you know they won't let me touch it without James's supervision. I'd probably bollocks it up."
Remus glanced over at Peter's parchment. There were runes, he presumed. Ancient ones, probably. Huzzah. "Why did you even bother taking that class? Even James dropped it after O.W.L.s, it's so useless."
"I know," Peter said cheerfully, scribbling away. Remus couldn't tell if the runes were so far advanced that he couldn't make them out, or if Peter just had indecipherable handwriting. "Everyone says that. But everyone says I'm useless, too, so I figured it was a good fit."
Remus winced.
"Thing is, though," Peter added, almost to himself, "they're always wrong."
Remus blinked. "Peter, why did you keep up with Ancient Runes? Seriously, I mean."
Peter looked up at him and smiled. "Because it's dead brilliant," he said. "I'm not much good with wand magic, I know that. But runes, see, they don't need quick thinking or flash. They're real magic; old magic, I mean, the stuff the really early wizards used. None of this turning a teapot into a tadpole bollocks; this is where the real power comes from."
He pulled out a fresh sheet of parchment and scratched out a complex diagram, his quill dancing across the paper. Remus tried to follow the markings, fascinated. It was a bit like watching James on a broomstick, or Sirius in a duel.
"See, this?" Peter explained. "Runes for inspiration, for understanding, for communication… well, look, there's a few others in there, too. But the point is, if you really understand the runes, and what they mean, and where they comes from, and if you balance them just right in the charm, you can do almost anything. If I carved this particular arrangement into the bark of a yew tree, it would give the tree a voice - the power of speech. I mean, I don't know why you'd want a talking tree, but the point is you could. And there's almost no wand magic involved, although you can always improvise a bit with a wand, but I'm no good at that. Still." He sat back and looked over his diagram with some pride, nodding to himself. Then he glanced over at Remus, and flushed. "I'm sorry, I probably sound stupid, don't I?"
"Not at all," Remus said hastily. "You're right. It's not a useless class at all, is it?"
Peter positively beamed. "Nope," he said gleefully. "It's loads of use, only people always ignore it."
And that's when Remus had a thought. He stared at the parchment with the talking-tree diagram. "Peter," he said slowly, "if you can make trees talk, could you do the same thing to, say, a bit of parchment?"
Peter frowned pensively. "Well, maybe. I mean, I'd have to add some variations to it, but, yeah, parchment sort of comes from trees anyway, so I could probably work something out. It'd be kind of silly, though, a talking parchment. What if it never shut up? Could be a bit of a nuisance in class."
"Well, no, not talking exactly, not out loud, but through writing? So if I asked the parchment a question, it would answer me by writing the answer out across it. Words appearing on the page. A voice…"
They didn't have James and Sirius's bizarre telepathy, but Peter caught on eventually. "For the Map, you mean," he breathed, and it wasn't a question. "A voice for the Map." A slow smile spread across his face. "Yeah, I think I could do that."
*
"Oi," James said, poking his head out his bed curtains and eyeing Remus and Peter suspiciously as they attempted to slink innocuously out of the dormitory late one night. "What's up, then?"
"Charms essay," Peter bleated, looking far too frightened to proclaim any sort of innocence. Remus seriously contemplated smacking him upside the head. "Remus is helping me not fail."
"Library," Remus agreed. "Go back to sleep."
James raised an eyebrow, but apparently decided it wasn't worth the argument and ducked back into his bed with only an "if I find anything squishy in my shoes tomorrow I will hurt you."
Remus and Peter made their escape. It was hard, Remus decided, plotting against their leaders. They'd just have to finish this Map scheme off quickly, was all.
*
"Bollocks," Peter said. "I've mucked it up again."
"Well, that's why we're not using the Map yet," Remus said pragmatically. "Here, shove over, what's gone wrong?"
"Do you have better penmanship than I do?" Peter asked. "Because I might mean kenaz, but I don't think even the Map is smart enough to realize that." He gestured woefully at his incoherent scribblings.
"That's supposed to be kenaz? Really?" Remus picked up the parchment and squinted at it. "It looks kind of like-"
"Yeah," Peter sighed. "I know."
"Maybe if you don't try to rush through it-"
"And I'm not even sure if that combination of runes-"
"Well, what if you add-"
"I can try it, but then it would also need-"
"Right, but then there's-"
"Oh my god," Peter moaned, "we're going to make the Map explode."
"Yeah," Remus admitted, "but in a good way, I think. Here, try this-"
*
"Oi," Sirius said, catching them in the corridors a few days later. "You two practically live in the library these days. What's the prank and why aren't I in on it?"
"No prank," Remus said cheerfully. He and Peter had agreed that Remus would be responsible for any further necessary diversions in the face of Sirius or James, as he was far better at keeping a straight face. "Peter's failing Charms. I'm trying to help him thwart the inevitable."
Peter scowled convincingly. Actually, he probably really did resent the dig at his competence (or lack thereof), but he'd just have to live with it; besides, he really was in danger of failing Charms.
"Ah," Sirius said, immediately losing interest as Remus had known he would. "Good luck, then." And then, walking past them, he deliberately brushed against Remus's side in a way that had been known to make any Hogwarts female (excepting Lily Evans) and most Hogwarts males (excepting Severus Snape) swoon a little inside. "God knows he'll need it," Sirius breathed in Remus's ear, and there really ought to be no way that was even remotely sexual, but then, as Remus was constantly reminded, Sirius could make just about anything sexual.
Remus refused to let himself shiver even a little bit, although he yanked on Peter's arm with more roughness than was strictly necessary as he led the way to the library. He could practically hear Sirius chuckling to himself as he continued walking away.
*
"You know what the problem is?" Remus said suddenly, after they'd been staring bleakly at their latest trial parchment for a while.
"Yes," Peter sighed. "I'm incompetent."
"No, no," Remus said, and waved their parchment in front of Peter's face. "This isn't the Map!"
Peter looked as though Remus had taken a Stupid potion that morning. "Yes, Remus," he said slowly, as though speaking to a small child. "I'm aware of that."
Remus rolled his eyes. "Not like that. But I think that's why we're having trouble with the personality part. Because it's just a piece of parchment."
"The Map's also just-"
"But we've worked on it," Remus said impatiently. "For months and months. All of us have, not just Sirius and James. The spells and layers of enchantment we've each worked in - it leaves a sort of signature, you know? We've each got our own magical signatures woven into the framework of spells. Our personalities, they're in there already. Not our voices, not quite, not our turns of phrase or manners of speaking, but the critical components-"
"Are already in the Map," Peter finished. He rubbed at his temples. "But not in the parchments we've been practicing with. Shit. No wonder we haven't been getting anywhere without it."
"So if we had the Map itself-"
"But if we bollocks it up on the real thing-"
"Well," Remus said, "we'll just have to make sure we know exactly what we're doing by then, won't we?"
*
"I think I've come up with a way to test the personality algorithms without the Map itself," Remus announced. It was a whispering sort of announcement, as they were (of course) in the library. "Well, we'll need the Map, but just for a few minutes, and then we can use something else to practice with."
"How?" Peter asked.
Remus explained. At length.
"I don't understand the half of it," Peter finally said, "but I'll try anything."
Getting the Map was a bit more difficult. Which rankled a bit, really, seeing as they were all supposed to be in this together, one for all and all for one and all that rot, and it really wasn't fair that James and Sirius ranked themselves so much higher than their sidekicks.
Remus supposed it had been in the job description somewhere, but he'd never bothered reading the fine print in the theoretical Contract Of Friendship With Sirius And James.
At any rate, he was pondering new and exciting methods of groveling for the privilege of holding the Map, but that was more Peter's area and Peter was currently hiding in a secret compartment behind a tapestry on the third floor. Remus hadn't included Peter Being A Cowardly Rat in his Why We Need To Steal The Map plan, but such was life. He also wasn't sure why he was randomly capitalizing his internal monologues, but he deeply suspected it had something to do with spending far too much time as Sirius's sidekick. Sirius probably capitalized every word in his internal monologues. Or external monologues, as was generally the case.
Sirius and James were currently in the dormitory, involved in a heated discussion about some finer point of magical theory that might or might not actually be relevant to the Map. The Map in question was lying unheeded on Sirius's bed. Remus wondered what would happen if he just snatched it and ran like hell. Probably there would be shouting involved, and shoving. Probably it wouldn't be worth the hassle. Or the bruises.
"Hey," he said casually. "Wormtail thinks he's found some new passageway into the Restricted Section; mind if I take the Map and go sketch it out?"
"Draw it up on some scrap parchment," James said vaguely. "We'll add it in later. Really, Pads, I think you're failing to consider the side effects of that combination of spells on-"
Remus tried to look as put upon as possible. It wasn't difficult. "I'm the one who's going to be adding it in later - I'm the only one of us who can draw a straight line. It'll be easier if I just do it on the spot, probably more accurate too. It's not as though you blokes are using it now anyway."
James frowned at being interrupted again. "I don't see why-"
"Oh, just let him have it, it'll be quicker," Sirius said impatiently. He glanced up at Remus. "Bring it back soon, though, we've got a couple of theories we'll need to test on it."
"Yes, half of which are likely to make the bloody thing disintegrate if you don't listen to me," James added acidly. "You have to consider-"
"I won't be half an hour," Remus promised, then wondered why he'd bothered. They weren't paying him the slightest notice anymore.
So much for Sirius fancying me, he thought petulantly, then shook his head. If Sirius wasn't going to take this queerness bollocks seriously, then neither would he.
He grabbed the Map and headed off in search of his incredibly unhelpful rodent companion.
*
"You have it?" Peter whispered, elbowing Remus harder than was strictly necessary. "Give it here, I'll get it ready so's you can do the thing."
Remus passed it over. "They're working up to a proper row in there, we'll have to be quick about it."
"Quick enough if you'll shut up already." Peter tapped his wand to the parchment. "Open sesame!"
The Map, such as it was, unfurled. "You know," Remus said absently, "I really think we should change the password. It's dead easy to guess."
"Dunno what you mean, I've not the faintest notion what a sesame even is."
"Dead easy for anyone Muggleborn to guess," Remus amended. "Here, would you hold it just so-"
"I hate transfiguration spells," Peter grumbled, twisting the Map as Remus directed.
Remus snorted. "And you're the Animagus. Anyroad, it's not proper transfigurations, really - more like charms, but in a transfiguring sort of way…oh, just let me-"
"Hurry up."
"Well, if you'd just - oh, all right, I think that's-"
It was sort of like an explosion, except with words instead of, well, fire and suchlike. Remus felt a bit as though his eyebrows had been singed all the same.
"Did you get it?" Peter hissed.
Remus yanked some blank parchment out of his pocket and tapped his wand to it. Ink seeped from the tip of the wand into the parchment, soaking in and vanishing in an instant. "Got it," Remus said. "Let's return the Map to its noble guardians, shall we?"
"No, hold on a tic," Peter insisted. "Make sure it works first!"
It wasn't a copy of the Map, exactly - that would be rather ridiculously complicated at this point, Remus supposed. But it was a sort of blueprint, in a way, and it would have to do.
"Wow," Peter breathed. "Look at all the patterns. It's like, right, so if I use the runes for-"
"It all makes sense now," Remus murmured, tracing the intricate lattice of spells with his finger. "D'you see, there, where Sirius did the-"
"Yes! And that part's me, over in that corner, and James has that network, and you've got-"
"I think we can make this work," Remus said, grinning.
"Yeah," Peter agreed. He was practically bouncing. "You're brilliant, is what you are. Let's get this sorted!"
And for a moment, Remus wondered why they didn't just abscond together with the Map, on their own, sidekicks no longer, and sod those two self-important bastards in the dormitory.
*
It still took a bit more figuring out, of course, and in the meantime life and marauding went on, as they were wont to do. Sirius came up with some genius prank involving the latest bawdy song fashionable at the Hog's Head and the statue of Sir Sedgewick the Stodgy just down the corridor from McGonagall's office. By the time the four of them were finished, a very shamefaced Sir Sedgewick was belting out verses of the song that even Remus hadn't heard before, a large group of awed third-year Transfigurations students were severely restricting traffic in the corridor, and McGonagall was bearing down upon them like the wrath of God - well, what little she could see of their feet under James's invisibility cloak, anyway, and Sirius had shot off a couple of befuddling spells to cover their retreat.
Thanks to the chaos in the corridor, they were able to be off before a positive identification could be made and untold points lost from Gryffindor; Peter slipped into rat form around the first corner, and was well away, and James had booted Sirius and Remus out from under his cloak as soon as he could without dooming them to capture and disgrace, so Merlin only knew where he'd skived off to.
To hang about gloating was to be caught, so Remus and Sirius practically sprinted down the halls. "Did you hear, did you see," Sirius gasped, laughing.
"Oh, god," Remus managed, "and what was that verse about the Hag's favorite broomstick-"
"Shit bollocks fuck, I think she's coming-"
"Here, here, we've made it to the tapestry-"
There was a small hidey-hole behind this particular tapestry, as they'd discovered early in their second year; they hadn't used it in a while, though, and now that they were both squeezing hastily into it, Remus wondered if it weren't rather smaller than he'd remembered.
It was a bit awkward, really, except for the part where it was Sirius, and he was alternately giggling into Remus's shoulder and making ineffective shushing noises, and Remus felt hot and painfully aware of every inch of Sirius's body now pressed up against his and wonderful.
Muffled as it was by the thick cloth now shielding them, they could still hear an undignified yelp from somewhere down the corridor.
"I wouldn't have thought it possible," Remus whispered, "but I think she's actually managed to catch James."
"But the cloak-" Sirius started.
"This is McGonagall," Remus reminded him. "She can smell a prank from a kilometer away and see guilt in the most masterful of poker faces. No mere invisibility cloak can stop her."
Sirius laughed, breath hot against the side of Remus's face, warm body pressed all along the length of Remus's side, and Remus couldn't help but lean into him, smiling so widely it hurt. And this is why he could never just run off with Peter, he thought ruefully. This.
*
Once the planning was all worked out, the final step was supposed to have been simple. Peter just needed an hour or two alone with the Map to carefully sketch in the runes, and then they both had a bit of wandwork to finish it all off, but nothing complicated. And those final touches could wait - the runes would lie dormant within the Map until activated. They just had to get Peter those couple of hours alone with the Map. Given how possessive James and Sirius tended to get, it would be hard to just nick the thing without it being missed, so it would have to be at a time when both were occupied elsewhere.
That was what late-night Quidditch practice was good for, Remus supposed. This particular Wednesday night had the added advantage of James in detention - McGonagall really had managed to catch him, so he was taking one for the team on the singing statue prank. So, Prongs was stuck marking first-year Transfigurations essays and Sirius was slaving away on the Quidditch pitch. That would buy them all the time they needed.
Peter still told Remus to stay down in the Gryffindor common room and keep watch, just in case.
"And what am I supposed to do if they come back early?" Remus demanded.
Peter shrugged. "Distract them." He headed up the stairs to their dormitory with a flippant wave of his hand.
Well, Remus wasn't much help with the writing-of-runes part, anyway. He settled into an armchair with his Defense textbook, not unhappily. The common room was oddly empty tonight, for some reason, and he intended to get the most out of the rare quiet.
Of course, nothing would go according to plan, would it?
A very damp and somewhat muddy Sirius trudged in, muttering darkly to himself. Remus started, glancing at his watch. Less than an hour had gone by; Peter wasn't finished yet!
"Sirius!" Remus yelped. "What are you doing here?"
"Practice ended early," Sirius grumbled. "After Williams ranted at us all about detentions and Quidditch and needing his whole team present to accomplish anything. Really gave it to us, me in particular. Like it's somehow my fault James is in detention now."
Remus refrained from pointing out that, actually, it was.
"Lousy weather, anyway," Sirius added, and headed straight for the stairs.
"Hold on!" Remus half-shouted, jumping up and dashing over to block his path. "Where are you going?"
Sirius glared at him. "Up to shower and then to bed, what's it look like?"
"But it's so…early!"
Sirius eyed him suspiciously. It occurred to Remus that he didn't always react well under stress, and that perhaps Sirius might twig that there was marauding afoot. "Moony, what are you up to?"
No good, Remus thought in response, somewhat hysterically. There were probably any number of wild and fantastical and strangely probable things Remus could say right now, but god knows he didn't know what they were, so he promptly gave up on all rational thought. Distract him!
"Oh, fuck it," Remus said, grabbed Sirius by the shoulders, and kissed him.
And kissed him.
It was a good kiss.
Eventually, Remus pulled away. He had some vague notion that they ought to pause a moment and breathe or something, although he'd rather forgotten how and was no longer strictly convinced of its necessity.
Sirius looked to be in a similarly dazed state, and Remus mentally congratulated himself on putting that expression on Sirius Black's face. "Remus?" Sirius managed, hoarsely.
"Sirius," Remus agreed. He wasn't sure what, exactly, he was agreeing to, but he was fairly confident that some accord had been reached.
Sirius ran a hand through his damp hair. His dazed expression was transitioning into something rather more bewildered, and oddly uncertain. It occurred to Remus that perhaps they were not in quite as telepathic an agreement as one might have wished. "Remus," Sirius said again, "what…why…?"
"Er," Remus said. Conscious thought was slowly returning, and he didn't much appreciate it. "I just…well. Um. It seemed like a good idea at the time?"
"So it didn't mean-"
"Oh, god," Remus groaned, barely fighting down panic. "Please don't tell me we have to talk about our feelings now, I don't think I can handle that." And he yanked Sirius in for another kiss.
Well, it was that or run away screaming, and he supposed he still had to buy Peter a little more time.
"Feelings are overrated," Sirius agreed fervently, after a bit. "So are public spaces. And, um, trousers."
"Yes," Remus said, absently tracing the back of Sirius's neck. Sirius squirmed a bit, but in a good way. "And yours are sopping wet anyway. Disgusting, really. Clothes, I mean. Er. We should-"
"Dormitory. Now."
"Yes," Remus agreed, but then rational thought kicked back in. "I mean, no! Because - Peter's up there! Doing…with…" He frantically scrambled for a reasonable excuse, and failed.
"Merlin's balls," Sirius swore against Remus's mouth, "please don't tell me Wormtail chose this night, of all nights, to pull."
Lovely Sirius. Smart Sirius. Most excellent Sirius. "Yes! Yes, that's what's happened. Exactly. It's rather revolting, actually." Sorry, Peter, he thought in the general direction of the dorm.
"Fuck. Okay. I know. Come on, Remus!" Sirius grabbed Remus's hand and practically dragged him across the common room and out.
"Where are we-"
"There's this room, all right, I found it once with Caradoc when we - look, anyway, you can only see it if you really need it, and it's got - well, whatever it is you need at that moment, and I think right now there's a pretty damn good chance it'll show itself-"
The part of Remus's brain still capable of thought wondered what, exactly, Sirius and Caradoc had needed the room for, and why Sirius had never shared this information with the rest of the Marauders - but he didn't really care very much, just now.
He hoped James wouldn't get off detention early, but Peter would just have to fend for himself.
*
Peter partnered up with Remus in Charms the next day. "Oi," he whispered indignantly, in between ineffectual sweeps of his wand in a shoddy imitation of Flitwick's demonstration, "you abandoned your post last night. You were supposed to be looking out for me!"
"James didn't get back before you were finished, did he?"
"No," Peter admitted. "But he might have done, and you wouldn't have been there to stop him, and that would've given the game away."
"Sorry," Remus said, not feeling particularly sorry. "Sirius did get back early. I had to…distract him." He tried to suppress a fondly reminiscent smile, but suspected he wasn't doing too good a job of it. Across the classroom, Sirius and James were showing off as usual, but he didn't really mind. Sirius, after all, had excellent form with wandwork.
He supposed he'd been staring a bit, which might explain the sudden surprisingly sharp elbow in his ribs, courtesy of Peter. "Ow," Remus said. "What?"
"Isaid, when are we going to finish off the wandwork for the Map? It's mostly you, anyway."
"Whenever you have a chance," Remus said. "It'll only take a minute, and we can do our bits separately. You remember what you need to do?"
Peter glared at him and waved his wand around in a complex formation that looked absolutely nothing like the charm Flitwick was currently demonstrating, but very much like what he'd need to do with the Map, so that was all right.
"Right," Remus said. "That."
"You only made me practice it a thousand times," Peter muttered.
"So let's just try to each get our bit done before the weekend," Remus told him. "And then…we wait." He grinned, admittedly somewhat wolfishly.
Peter grinned back, his abandonment issues apparently forgotten. "Hey, so what were you and Sirius up to last night, then?"
"No good," Remus said, and laughed. "Speaking of which, I've got a new password for the Map."
*
"Fuck," Sirius said contentedly, sprawling decadently across his bed in their blessedly empty dormitory. "Why didn't you just tell me you were queer, Moony? We could've been doing this for ages by now."
"Mph," Remus mumbled, flopping down beside him. "S'all right, then?"
"Bloody fantastic, is what that was," Sirius said, closing his eyes. "And believe me, I know fantastic."
"Wanton hussy," Remus agreed. He propped himself up on one elbow, and looked Sirius over. Sirius didn't much resemble Heathcliff anymore; nothing dark or brooding about him. It pained his inner romantic to admit it, but Remus rather preferred him this way.
By the looks of it, Sirius would be out for the count in a minute or so. And no one else was in the dorm. Perfect. Remus shifted himself over and started to slip off the bed.
"Wait," Sirius said, catching Remus's arm with surprising swiftness for someone so nearly approaching comatose. "Stay."
"I will," Remus said softly. "Just need to use the loo, won't be a minute."
Satisfied, Sirius let him go.
Remus pushed away the bed curtains to get out, then deliberately let them fall closed again. The Map was under James's bed; this wouldn't take but a minute, like he'd told Sirius.
The wandwork, endlessly rehearsed, was easy enough. Changing the password took a bit longer, but Remus had been the one to set that particular enchantment in the first place, so it wasn't difficult to muck with a tad. He also probed the layers of magic briefly, and noticed with satisfaction that Peter had already been there and done his part. Excellent. The Map was ready - or, well, their new enchantments were. God only knew when the whole project would actually be finished, but for the first time, Remus thought they might well actually manage it in the foreseeable future. Once James and Sirius realized how much assistance their sidekicks could actually provide, it oughtn't take too much longer at all.
Well satisfied, Remus returned to Sirius's bed.
"Good," Sirius mumbled, not even bothering to open his eyes. "You came back."
"Said I would, didn't I?" Remus remarked. He smiled wryly. "Did you ever ask Caradoc to stay?"
Sirius did look up at him now. "No," he said softly. "Never much wanted him to, honestly."
Remus blinked, feeling his chest tighten strangely. "Oh."
*
They didn't have long to wait. It was Saturday, they were all bored, and James suggested they tinker with the Map for a bit.
Remus, sitting at the foot of Peter's bed and leaning back against the bedpost, deliberately avoided looking over at Peter. He didn't have to; Peter was practically bouncing, making the whole mattress vibrate.
"You've got it, don't you?" Sirius asked James.
"Yeah," James said, retrieving it from under his bed. "Here we go, then." He tapped his wand to the Map. "Open sesame!"
Nothing happened.
James frowned. "Bloody parchment," he grumbled. He tapped the Map again, far more vigorously. "Open sesame, you stupid Map!"
And then - "Oi! "
Sirius was at his side in an instant; Peter and Remus glanced at each other, nodded, then sauntered casually over to have a look.
Dark ink, soaking lovingly into the otherwise still-blank Map, penned out a spidery scrawl with a suspiciously close resemblance to Remus's own. Mr. Moony would like to inquire what exactly Mr. Prongs thinks he's going to accomplish with that ridiculous incantation.
And then, in Peter's chicken scratch, far more legible than usual: Mr. Wormtail thinks perhaps Mr. Prongs missed the owl post on the new password.
Mr. Moony wonders if someone so abjectly useless as Mr. Prongs deserves to experience the marvels of this most illustrious artifact.
Mr. Wormtail would like to know what Messrs. Prongs and Padfoot have to say in their defense.
James was gawking openmouthed at the Map. Sirius, though, was staring at Remus, and there was something odd and unreadable in his eyes.
Finally finding his voice, James managed - "What the devil have you done to the Map?"
"What?" Remus asked innocently. "Having a bit of trouble, are you?"
"Pity, that," Peter agreed blandly. "After all the work you two have put into it, too."
"You changed the bloody password!" James burst out, flailing his arms a bit. Peter tactfully took a step out of his way.
Sirius was still staring at Remus, but the hint of a smile was starting to tug at the corners of his mouth. "Who gives a sod about that?" he said softly. "They've given the Map a voice."
Mr. Moony is glad to see that Mr. Padfoot is somewhat quicker on the uptake than his tragically dim best friend.
Remus held Sirius's gaze with a small smile of his own. He reached out and tapped the Map lightly. "I solemnly swear I am up to no good."
The Map unfurled, as it was wont to do. It was still painfully incomplete, but it hardly seemed aware of the fact.
Messrs. Moony and Wormtail are proud to present the Marauder's Map.
And, along the side, in smaller script: And they happily anticipate the day when Messrs. Padfoot and Prongs will join them.
"Brilliant," Sirius breathed.
"How did you do that?" James demanded.
"I guess we're not so useless after all," Peter said cheerfully.
Sirius looked up, face glowing with possibility, and Remus knew that if he'd been at all miffed to have been somewhat used by Remus before, all was now forgiven and forgotten, because there was just so much left to do, and hadn't they best get started?
Remus smiled. "Mischief managed."
Sidekicks
by kaydee falls
remus/sirius + peter, james
pg-13
wherein remus and peter get sick of being sidekicks and plot to take over the world marauder's map
disclaimer: not mine, no profit, don't sue
thanks to such_heights for the beta
The dormitory was quite peaceful until Sirius came in. Remus spared only a brief, mournful look at his book before attending to the more urgent matter at hand, being Sirius's entrance into the room. It was probably not a particularly urgent matter in the grander scheme of things, but Sirius was a devout attention whore - nay, the king of all attention whores - who brooked neither disobedience nor disinterest amongst his followers.
Sirius flung himself across his bed with a sound of deepest despair. "I hate the world," he proclaimed to all and sundry. (All being Remus, James, and Peter, and sundry being the chocolate frogs scattered across the floor.)
He followed this sweeping statement with a moment of profound silence.
Remus nudged Peter, who seemed to have missed his cue. "Ow," Peter said, mildly affronted. "Why did you-oh." He composed his pudgy features into a look of great compassion, or possibly indigestion. "Why do you hate the world, Sirius?" he asked dutifully.
Sirius sighed. It was a Gothic sort of sigh, reminiscent of moors and ghosts and heights that wuther. Sirius would probably make an excellent Heathcliff. "You could not possibly understand the depths of my hatred," Sirius said. "When I die, my tombstone will read: 'Here lies Sirius Black, who hated the world, and for very good reason.'" He sighed again.
"Ah," Peter said sagely. "You missed dinner again."
Sirius shot him a scalding look. "Are you a part of this world, Peter? Then do shut up, because I hate you too."
Peter looked appropriately terrified. He was good at that.
Somewhat mollified, Sirius went on. "I hate the world, because it is a cruel and unforgiving place, and because I have just spent four hours in the library, which, as Peter so astutely pointed out, caused me to miss dinner, and I still can't find the binding spell we need for the Map, and it is never going to work." As a final demonstration of his anguish and utter despondency, he pulled the curtains of his four-poster shut around him.
After a moment, James stood and crossed his arms in front of him. "You're daft," he told the curtains firmly.
They swished apart to reveal Sirius's livid face. Sirius was In A Mood, and no one got away with calling him daft when he was In A Mood.
Except James, apparently. Or maybe James just didn't mind finding unpleasant things in his underpants the next morning. "There's a way around it," James said.
Sirius frowned. "But I already tried-"
"Yes," James interrupted, "but what if we use-"
"I don't know if-"
"And then a little-"
"Well, then we'd need-"
"Which I could whip up-"
"Yes! " Sirius shouted triumphantly, leaping off his bed. "Come on, let's get the-"
James and Sirius dashed out of the room.
For a few seconds, Remus and Peter just looked at each other.
"What just happened?" Peter asked, somewhat plaintively. "How do they do that?"
Remus sighed. "We'll never know," he said, resigned. "This is why James and Sirius are James and Sirius, and we are merely sidekicks to their greatness. We are useful and amusing, but ultimately expendable. It's just the Way Things Are."
Peter nodded solemnly and offered Remus a Sugar Quill. Remus accepted it. They munched their sweets in companionable silence as they waited for James and Sirius to return.
*
Peter was definitely James's particular sidekick, Remus decided, as they watched the Gryffindor Quidditch practice. Peter had a slightly irritating tendency to bounce in his seat while watching James fly, and was inclined to let out a loud whoop or burst of applause whenever James did anything particularly exciting, such as turning, or being near the Quaffle.
Which meant, by default, that Remus was probably Sirius's sidekick. He supposed that made some sort of sense. He was more likely to trail after Sirius than James, anyway, on the rare occasions when he was inclined to trail after anyone. And there was the dog-wolf connection, which only really mattered once a month, but still.
In the air over the Quidditch pitch, Sirius thwacked a Bludger at James a little too gleefully. James rolled out of the way just in time, letting loose a string of unintelligible curses.
Well, if it came to that, it was probably best that Remus stood behind the bloke with the big bat. Safer, anyway.
The Bludger swung in a wide arc that skimmed the stands, and Peter threw himself out of the way with an undignified yelp. Remus laughed.
*
It was no great secret at Hogwarts that Sirius Black was as queer as a copper Snitch. Not that it made the slightest dent in his popularity; he was frequently surrounded by girls who thought they might just be the one to cure him of his shirt-lifting ways, and boys who weren't so much gay as horny and quite content to fool around with someone who actually knew what to do with a cock (and rumors abounded about Sirius's particularly talented hands and mouth).
All in all, Remus thought it incredibly unfair. Anyone else would have been struggling under the weight of that particular social stigma, while Sirius wore it like a badge of honor.
"You know," Sirius remarked casually, as he and Remus made their way back to the castle, "I quite fancy you."
Remus nearly tripped over his own feet. "Beg pardon?"
"I quite fancy you."
They were very, very alone. Sirius always took the longest to change after Quidditch practice, and James and Peter had long since abandoned them in favor of dinner. And Sirius was now claiming to fancy Remus. Safe Remus, sidekick Remus.
Werewolf Remus who already had more than his fair share of social stigma to suffer through, thank you very much.
Still, though.
Remus started to open his mouth, but Sirius cut him off with an airy wave of his hand. It was infuriating, really, the way Sirius could get away with such hand-waving and still maintain his masculine allure. When Remus tried, he just looked limp-wristed and painfully fey.
"It's all right," Sirius said. "I know you're not a poofter. I just thought you should know."
There were any number of things Remus could have said in response to this, the most obvious being actually, I rather think I am a poofter. But all that he could manage was a somewhat stifled "oh."
"Don't worry, I promise not to molest you in the showers," Sirius said lightly, at which point he apparently lost all interest in the conversation and darted off to give Caradoc Dearborn a slap on the arse.
And, really, it was just as well, because Sirius was Sirius and nothing would ever change that. Because if Remus admitted to fancying him, Sirius would still go off and give Caradoc a fondle behind the statue of Sir Erkanwulf the Erect, and that would just be horrid. Better he go on blithely shagging his way through the male population of Hogwarts without knowing. Better to let Remus go on thinking such unwarranted cruelty was unintentional, than open himself up and just get hurt all over again, and again, and again.
Besides, it wasn't like Sirius actually fancied Remus. He just said it to wind Remus up, because he thought Remus was straight and it would unnerve him. Only possible explanation.
Being Sirius's sidekick really sucked sometimes.
*
James and Sirius were off being brilliant or possibly deranged somewhere. Their sidekicks were left to do homework in the library. Remus, bored with his Charms reading, prodded Peter with a quill. "Let's do something."
"I am," Peter replied, swatting Remus's quill away. "Ancient Runes essay. Geroff."
"Let's work on the Map," Remus wheedled. It was a sad day when Remus was reduced to pushing Peter into anything vaguely prankish.
"James has it," Peter replied, not even looking up. "Anyway, you know they won't let me touch it without James's supervision. I'd probably bollocks it up."
Remus glanced over at Peter's parchment. There were runes, he presumed. Ancient ones, probably. Huzzah. "Why did you even bother taking that class? Even James dropped it after O.W.L.s, it's so useless."
"I know," Peter said cheerfully, scribbling away. Remus couldn't tell if the runes were so far advanced that he couldn't make them out, or if Peter just had indecipherable handwriting. "Everyone says that. But everyone says I'm useless, too, so I figured it was a good fit."
Remus winced.
"Thing is, though," Peter added, almost to himself, "they're always wrong."
Remus blinked. "Peter, why did you keep up with Ancient Runes? Seriously, I mean."
Peter looked up at him and smiled. "Because it's dead brilliant," he said. "I'm not much good with wand magic, I know that. But runes, see, they don't need quick thinking or flash. They're real magic; old magic, I mean, the stuff the really early wizards used. None of this turning a teapot into a tadpole bollocks; this is where the real power comes from."
He pulled out a fresh sheet of parchment and scratched out a complex diagram, his quill dancing across the paper. Remus tried to follow the markings, fascinated. It was a bit like watching James on a broomstick, or Sirius in a duel.
"See, this?" Peter explained. "Runes for inspiration, for understanding, for communication… well, look, there's a few others in there, too. But the point is, if you really understand the runes, and what they mean, and where they comes from, and if you balance them just right in the charm, you can do almost anything. If I carved this particular arrangement into the bark of a yew tree, it would give the tree a voice - the power of speech. I mean, I don't know why you'd want a talking tree, but the point is you could. And there's almost no wand magic involved, although you can always improvise a bit with a wand, but I'm no good at that. Still." He sat back and looked over his diagram with some pride, nodding to himself. Then he glanced over at Remus, and flushed. "I'm sorry, I probably sound stupid, don't I?"
"Not at all," Remus said hastily. "You're right. It's not a useless class at all, is it?"
Peter positively beamed. "Nope," he said gleefully. "It's loads of use, only people always ignore it."
And that's when Remus had a thought. He stared at the parchment with the talking-tree diagram. "Peter," he said slowly, "if you can make trees talk, could you do the same thing to, say, a bit of parchment?"
Peter frowned pensively. "Well, maybe. I mean, I'd have to add some variations to it, but, yeah, parchment sort of comes from trees anyway, so I could probably work something out. It'd be kind of silly, though, a talking parchment. What if it never shut up? Could be a bit of a nuisance in class."
"Well, no, not talking exactly, not out loud, but through writing? So if I asked the parchment a question, it would answer me by writing the answer out across it. Words appearing on the page. A voice…"
They didn't have James and Sirius's bizarre telepathy, but Peter caught on eventually. "For the Map, you mean," he breathed, and it wasn't a question. "A voice for the Map." A slow smile spread across his face. "Yeah, I think I could do that."
*
"Oi," James said, poking his head out his bed curtains and eyeing Remus and Peter suspiciously as they attempted to slink innocuously out of the dormitory late one night. "What's up, then?"
"Charms essay," Peter bleated, looking far too frightened to proclaim any sort of innocence. Remus seriously contemplated smacking him upside the head. "Remus is helping me not fail."
"Library," Remus agreed. "Go back to sleep."
James raised an eyebrow, but apparently decided it wasn't worth the argument and ducked back into his bed with only an "if I find anything squishy in my shoes tomorrow I will hurt you."
Remus and Peter made their escape. It was hard, Remus decided, plotting against their leaders. They'd just have to finish this Map scheme off quickly, was all.
*
"Bollocks," Peter said. "I've mucked it up again."
"Well, that's why we're not using the Map yet," Remus said pragmatically. "Here, shove over, what's gone wrong?"
"Do you have better penmanship than I do?" Peter asked. "Because I might mean kenaz, but I don't think even the Map is smart enough to realize that." He gestured woefully at his incoherent scribblings.
"That's supposed to be kenaz? Really?" Remus picked up the parchment and squinted at it. "It looks kind of like-"
"Yeah," Peter sighed. "I know."
"Maybe if you don't try to rush through it-"
"And I'm not even sure if that combination of runes-"
"Well, what if you add-"
"I can try it, but then it would also need-"
"Right, but then there's-"
"Oh my god," Peter moaned, "we're going to make the Map explode."
"Yeah," Remus admitted, "but in a good way, I think. Here, try this-"
*
"Oi," Sirius said, catching them in the corridors a few days later. "You two practically live in the library these days. What's the prank and why aren't I in on it?"
"No prank," Remus said cheerfully. He and Peter had agreed that Remus would be responsible for any further necessary diversions in the face of Sirius or James, as he was far better at keeping a straight face. "Peter's failing Charms. I'm trying to help him thwart the inevitable."
Peter scowled convincingly. Actually, he probably really did resent the dig at his competence (or lack thereof), but he'd just have to live with it; besides, he really was in danger of failing Charms.
"Ah," Sirius said, immediately losing interest as Remus had known he would. "Good luck, then." And then, walking past them, he deliberately brushed against Remus's side in a way that had been known to make any Hogwarts female (excepting Lily Evans) and most Hogwarts males (excepting Severus Snape) swoon a little inside. "God knows he'll need it," Sirius breathed in Remus's ear, and there really ought to be no way that was even remotely sexual, but then, as Remus was constantly reminded, Sirius could make just about anything sexual.
Remus refused to let himself shiver even a little bit, although he yanked on Peter's arm with more roughness than was strictly necessary as he led the way to the library. He could practically hear Sirius chuckling to himself as he continued walking away.
*
"You know what the problem is?" Remus said suddenly, after they'd been staring bleakly at their latest trial parchment for a while.
"Yes," Peter sighed. "I'm incompetent."
"No, no," Remus said, and waved their parchment in front of Peter's face. "This isn't the Map!"
Peter looked as though Remus had taken a Stupid potion that morning. "Yes, Remus," he said slowly, as though speaking to a small child. "I'm aware of that."
Remus rolled his eyes. "Not like that. But I think that's why we're having trouble with the personality part. Because it's just a piece of parchment."
"The Map's also just-"
"But we've worked on it," Remus said impatiently. "For months and months. All of us have, not just Sirius and James. The spells and layers of enchantment we've each worked in - it leaves a sort of signature, you know? We've each got our own magical signatures woven into the framework of spells. Our personalities, they're in there already. Not our voices, not quite, not our turns of phrase or manners of speaking, but the critical components-"
"Are already in the Map," Peter finished. He rubbed at his temples. "But not in the parchments we've been practicing with. Shit. No wonder we haven't been getting anywhere without it."
"So if we had the Map itself-"
"But if we bollocks it up on the real thing-"
"Well," Remus said, "we'll just have to make sure we know exactly what we're doing by then, won't we?"
*
"I think I've come up with a way to test the personality algorithms without the Map itself," Remus announced. It was a whispering sort of announcement, as they were (of course) in the library. "Well, we'll need the Map, but just for a few minutes, and then we can use something else to practice with."
"How?" Peter asked.
Remus explained. At length.
"I don't understand the half of it," Peter finally said, "but I'll try anything."
Getting the Map was a bit more difficult. Which rankled a bit, really, seeing as they were all supposed to be in this together, one for all and all for one and all that rot, and it really wasn't fair that James and Sirius ranked themselves so much higher than their sidekicks.
Remus supposed it had been in the job description somewhere, but he'd never bothered reading the fine print in the theoretical Contract Of Friendship With Sirius And James.
At any rate, he was pondering new and exciting methods of groveling for the privilege of holding the Map, but that was more Peter's area and Peter was currently hiding in a secret compartment behind a tapestry on the third floor. Remus hadn't included Peter Being A Cowardly Rat in his Why We Need To Steal The Map plan, but such was life. He also wasn't sure why he was randomly capitalizing his internal monologues, but he deeply suspected it had something to do with spending far too much time as Sirius's sidekick. Sirius probably capitalized every word in his internal monologues. Or external monologues, as was generally the case.
Sirius and James were currently in the dormitory, involved in a heated discussion about some finer point of magical theory that might or might not actually be relevant to the Map. The Map in question was lying unheeded on Sirius's bed. Remus wondered what would happen if he just snatched it and ran like hell. Probably there would be shouting involved, and shoving. Probably it wouldn't be worth the hassle. Or the bruises.
"Hey," he said casually. "Wormtail thinks he's found some new passageway into the Restricted Section; mind if I take the Map and go sketch it out?"
"Draw it up on some scrap parchment," James said vaguely. "We'll add it in later. Really, Pads, I think you're failing to consider the side effects of that combination of spells on-"
Remus tried to look as put upon as possible. It wasn't difficult. "I'm the one who's going to be adding it in later - I'm the only one of us who can draw a straight line. It'll be easier if I just do it on the spot, probably more accurate too. It's not as though you blokes are using it now anyway."
James frowned at being interrupted again. "I don't see why-"
"Oh, just let him have it, it'll be quicker," Sirius said impatiently. He glanced up at Remus. "Bring it back soon, though, we've got a couple of theories we'll need to test on it."
"Yes, half of which are likely to make the bloody thing disintegrate if you don't listen to me," James added acidly. "You have to consider-"
"I won't be half an hour," Remus promised, then wondered why he'd bothered. They weren't paying him the slightest notice anymore.
So much for Sirius fancying me, he thought petulantly, then shook his head. If Sirius wasn't going to take this queerness bollocks seriously, then neither would he.
He grabbed the Map and headed off in search of his incredibly unhelpful rodent companion.
*
"You have it?" Peter whispered, elbowing Remus harder than was strictly necessary. "Give it here, I'll get it ready so's you can do the thing."
Remus passed it over. "They're working up to a proper row in there, we'll have to be quick about it."
"Quick enough if you'll shut up already." Peter tapped his wand to the parchment. "Open sesame!"
The Map, such as it was, unfurled. "You know," Remus said absently, "I really think we should change the password. It's dead easy to guess."
"Dunno what you mean, I've not the faintest notion what a sesame even is."
"Dead easy for anyone Muggleborn to guess," Remus amended. "Here, would you hold it just so-"
"I hate transfiguration spells," Peter grumbled, twisting the Map as Remus directed.
Remus snorted. "And you're the Animagus. Anyroad, it's not proper transfigurations, really - more like charms, but in a transfiguring sort of way…oh, just let me-"
"Hurry up."
"Well, if you'd just - oh, all right, I think that's-"
It was sort of like an explosion, except with words instead of, well, fire and suchlike. Remus felt a bit as though his eyebrows had been singed all the same.
"Did you get it?" Peter hissed.
Remus yanked some blank parchment out of his pocket and tapped his wand to it. Ink seeped from the tip of the wand into the parchment, soaking in and vanishing in an instant. "Got it," Remus said. "Let's return the Map to its noble guardians, shall we?"
"No, hold on a tic," Peter insisted. "Make sure it works first!"
It wasn't a copy of the Map, exactly - that would be rather ridiculously complicated at this point, Remus supposed. But it was a sort of blueprint, in a way, and it would have to do.
"Wow," Peter breathed. "Look at all the patterns. It's like, right, so if I use the runes for-"
"It all makes sense now," Remus murmured, tracing the intricate lattice of spells with his finger. "D'you see, there, where Sirius did the-"
"Yes! And that part's me, over in that corner, and James has that network, and you've got-"
"I think we can make this work," Remus said, grinning.
"Yeah," Peter agreed. He was practically bouncing. "You're brilliant, is what you are. Let's get this sorted!"
And for a moment, Remus wondered why they didn't just abscond together with the Map, on their own, sidekicks no longer, and sod those two self-important bastards in the dormitory.
*
It still took a bit more figuring out, of course, and in the meantime life and marauding went on, as they were wont to do. Sirius came up with some genius prank involving the latest bawdy song fashionable at the Hog's Head and the statue of Sir Sedgewick the Stodgy just down the corridor from McGonagall's office. By the time the four of them were finished, a very shamefaced Sir Sedgewick was belting out verses of the song that even Remus hadn't heard before, a large group of awed third-year Transfigurations students were severely restricting traffic in the corridor, and McGonagall was bearing down upon them like the wrath of God - well, what little she could see of their feet under James's invisibility cloak, anyway, and Sirius had shot off a couple of befuddling spells to cover their retreat.
Thanks to the chaos in the corridor, they were able to be off before a positive identification could be made and untold points lost from Gryffindor; Peter slipped into rat form around the first corner, and was well away, and James had booted Sirius and Remus out from under his cloak as soon as he could without dooming them to capture and disgrace, so Merlin only knew where he'd skived off to.
To hang about gloating was to be caught, so Remus and Sirius practically sprinted down the halls. "Did you hear, did you see," Sirius gasped, laughing.
"Oh, god," Remus managed, "and what was that verse about the Hag's favorite broomstick-"
"Shit bollocks fuck, I think she's coming-"
"Here, here, we've made it to the tapestry-"
There was a small hidey-hole behind this particular tapestry, as they'd discovered early in their second year; they hadn't used it in a while, though, and now that they were both squeezing hastily into it, Remus wondered if it weren't rather smaller than he'd remembered.
It was a bit awkward, really, except for the part where it was Sirius, and he was alternately giggling into Remus's shoulder and making ineffective shushing noises, and Remus felt hot and painfully aware of every inch of Sirius's body now pressed up against his and wonderful.
Muffled as it was by the thick cloth now shielding them, they could still hear an undignified yelp from somewhere down the corridor.
"I wouldn't have thought it possible," Remus whispered, "but I think she's actually managed to catch James."
"But the cloak-" Sirius started.
"This is McGonagall," Remus reminded him. "She can smell a prank from a kilometer away and see guilt in the most masterful of poker faces. No mere invisibility cloak can stop her."
Sirius laughed, breath hot against the side of Remus's face, warm body pressed all along the length of Remus's side, and Remus couldn't help but lean into him, smiling so widely it hurt. And this is why he could never just run off with Peter, he thought ruefully. This.
*
Once the planning was all worked out, the final step was supposed to have been simple. Peter just needed an hour or two alone with the Map to carefully sketch in the runes, and then they both had a bit of wandwork to finish it all off, but nothing complicated. And those final touches could wait - the runes would lie dormant within the Map until activated. They just had to get Peter those couple of hours alone with the Map. Given how possessive James and Sirius tended to get, it would be hard to just nick the thing without it being missed, so it would have to be at a time when both were occupied elsewhere.
That was what late-night Quidditch practice was good for, Remus supposed. This particular Wednesday night had the added advantage of James in detention - McGonagall really had managed to catch him, so he was taking one for the team on the singing statue prank. So, Prongs was stuck marking first-year Transfigurations essays and Sirius was slaving away on the Quidditch pitch. That would buy them all the time they needed.
Peter still told Remus to stay down in the Gryffindor common room and keep watch, just in case.
"And what am I supposed to do if they come back early?" Remus demanded.
Peter shrugged. "Distract them." He headed up the stairs to their dormitory with a flippant wave of his hand.
Well, Remus wasn't much help with the writing-of-runes part, anyway. He settled into an armchair with his Defense textbook, not unhappily. The common room was oddly empty tonight, for some reason, and he intended to get the most out of the rare quiet.
Of course, nothing would go according to plan, would it?
A very damp and somewhat muddy Sirius trudged in, muttering darkly to himself. Remus started, glancing at his watch. Less than an hour had gone by; Peter wasn't finished yet!
"Sirius!" Remus yelped. "What are you doing here?"
"Practice ended early," Sirius grumbled. "After Williams ranted at us all about detentions and Quidditch and needing his whole team present to accomplish anything. Really gave it to us, me in particular. Like it's somehow my fault James is in detention now."
Remus refrained from pointing out that, actually, it was.
"Lousy weather, anyway," Sirius added, and headed straight for the stairs.
"Hold on!" Remus half-shouted, jumping up and dashing over to block his path. "Where are you going?"
Sirius glared at him. "Up to shower and then to bed, what's it look like?"
"But it's so…early!"
Sirius eyed him suspiciously. It occurred to Remus that he didn't always react well under stress, and that perhaps Sirius might twig that there was marauding afoot. "Moony, what are you up to?"
No good, Remus thought in response, somewhat hysterically. There were probably any number of wild and fantastical and strangely probable things Remus could say right now, but god knows he didn't know what they were, so he promptly gave up on all rational thought. Distract him!
"Oh, fuck it," Remus said, grabbed Sirius by the shoulders, and kissed him.
And kissed him.
It was a good kiss.
Eventually, Remus pulled away. He had some vague notion that they ought to pause a moment and breathe or something, although he'd rather forgotten how and was no longer strictly convinced of its necessity.
Sirius looked to be in a similarly dazed state, and Remus mentally congratulated himself on putting that expression on Sirius Black's face. "Remus?" Sirius managed, hoarsely.
"Sirius," Remus agreed. He wasn't sure what, exactly, he was agreeing to, but he was fairly confident that some accord had been reached.
Sirius ran a hand through his damp hair. His dazed expression was transitioning into something rather more bewildered, and oddly uncertain. It occurred to Remus that perhaps they were not in quite as telepathic an agreement as one might have wished. "Remus," Sirius said again, "what…why…?"
"Er," Remus said. Conscious thought was slowly returning, and he didn't much appreciate it. "I just…well. Um. It seemed like a good idea at the time?"
"So it didn't mean-"
"Oh, god," Remus groaned, barely fighting down panic. "Please don't tell me we have to talk about our feelings now, I don't think I can handle that." And he yanked Sirius in for another kiss.
Well, it was that or run away screaming, and he supposed he still had to buy Peter a little more time.
"Feelings are overrated," Sirius agreed fervently, after a bit. "So are public spaces. And, um, trousers."
"Yes," Remus said, absently tracing the back of Sirius's neck. Sirius squirmed a bit, but in a good way. "And yours are sopping wet anyway. Disgusting, really. Clothes, I mean. Er. We should-"
"Dormitory. Now."
"Yes," Remus agreed, but then rational thought kicked back in. "I mean, no! Because - Peter's up there! Doing…with…" He frantically scrambled for a reasonable excuse, and failed.
"Merlin's balls," Sirius swore against Remus's mouth, "please don't tell me Wormtail chose this night, of all nights, to pull."
Lovely Sirius. Smart Sirius. Most excellent Sirius. "Yes! Yes, that's what's happened. Exactly. It's rather revolting, actually." Sorry, Peter, he thought in the general direction of the dorm.
"Fuck. Okay. I know. Come on, Remus!" Sirius grabbed Remus's hand and practically dragged him across the common room and out.
"Where are we-"
"There's this room, all right, I found it once with Caradoc when we - look, anyway, you can only see it if you really need it, and it's got - well, whatever it is you need at that moment, and I think right now there's a pretty damn good chance it'll show itself-"
The part of Remus's brain still capable of thought wondered what, exactly, Sirius and Caradoc had needed the room for, and why Sirius had never shared this information with the rest of the Marauders - but he didn't really care very much, just now.
He hoped James wouldn't get off detention early, but Peter would just have to fend for himself.
*
Peter partnered up with Remus in Charms the next day. "Oi," he whispered indignantly, in between ineffectual sweeps of his wand in a shoddy imitation of Flitwick's demonstration, "you abandoned your post last night. You were supposed to be looking out for me!"
"James didn't get back before you were finished, did he?"
"No," Peter admitted. "But he might have done, and you wouldn't have been there to stop him, and that would've given the game away."
"Sorry," Remus said, not feeling particularly sorry. "Sirius did get back early. I had to…distract him." He tried to suppress a fondly reminiscent smile, but suspected he wasn't doing too good a job of it. Across the classroom, Sirius and James were showing off as usual, but he didn't really mind. Sirius, after all, had excellent form with wandwork.
He supposed he'd been staring a bit, which might explain the sudden surprisingly sharp elbow in his ribs, courtesy of Peter. "Ow," Remus said. "What?"
"Isaid, when are we going to finish off the wandwork for the Map? It's mostly you, anyway."
"Whenever you have a chance," Remus said. "It'll only take a minute, and we can do our bits separately. You remember what you need to do?"
Peter glared at him and waved his wand around in a complex formation that looked absolutely nothing like the charm Flitwick was currently demonstrating, but very much like what he'd need to do with the Map, so that was all right.
"Right," Remus said. "That."
"You only made me practice it a thousand times," Peter muttered.
"So let's just try to each get our bit done before the weekend," Remus told him. "And then…we wait." He grinned, admittedly somewhat wolfishly.
Peter grinned back, his abandonment issues apparently forgotten. "Hey, so what were you and Sirius up to last night, then?"
"No good," Remus said, and laughed. "Speaking of which, I've got a new password for the Map."
*
"Fuck," Sirius said contentedly, sprawling decadently across his bed in their blessedly empty dormitory. "Why didn't you just tell me you were queer, Moony? We could've been doing this for ages by now."
"Mph," Remus mumbled, flopping down beside him. "S'all right, then?"
"Bloody fantastic, is what that was," Sirius said, closing his eyes. "And believe me, I know fantastic."
"Wanton hussy," Remus agreed. He propped himself up on one elbow, and looked Sirius over. Sirius didn't much resemble Heathcliff anymore; nothing dark or brooding about him. It pained his inner romantic to admit it, but Remus rather preferred him this way.
By the looks of it, Sirius would be out for the count in a minute or so. And no one else was in the dorm. Perfect. Remus shifted himself over and started to slip off the bed.
"Wait," Sirius said, catching Remus's arm with surprising swiftness for someone so nearly approaching comatose. "Stay."
"I will," Remus said softly. "Just need to use the loo, won't be a minute."
Satisfied, Sirius let him go.
Remus pushed away the bed curtains to get out, then deliberately let them fall closed again. The Map was under James's bed; this wouldn't take but a minute, like he'd told Sirius.
The wandwork, endlessly rehearsed, was easy enough. Changing the password took a bit longer, but Remus had been the one to set that particular enchantment in the first place, so it wasn't difficult to muck with a tad. He also probed the layers of magic briefly, and noticed with satisfaction that Peter had already been there and done his part. Excellent. The Map was ready - or, well, their new enchantments were. God only knew when the whole project would actually be finished, but for the first time, Remus thought they might well actually manage it in the foreseeable future. Once James and Sirius realized how much assistance their sidekicks could actually provide, it oughtn't take too much longer at all.
Well satisfied, Remus returned to Sirius's bed.
"Good," Sirius mumbled, not even bothering to open his eyes. "You came back."
"Said I would, didn't I?" Remus remarked. He smiled wryly. "Did you ever ask Caradoc to stay?"
Sirius did look up at him now. "No," he said softly. "Never much wanted him to, honestly."
Remus blinked, feeling his chest tighten strangely. "Oh."
*
They didn't have long to wait. It was Saturday, they were all bored, and James suggested they tinker with the Map for a bit.
Remus, sitting at the foot of Peter's bed and leaning back against the bedpost, deliberately avoided looking over at Peter. He didn't have to; Peter was practically bouncing, making the whole mattress vibrate.
"You've got it, don't you?" Sirius asked James.
"Yeah," James said, retrieving it from under his bed. "Here we go, then." He tapped his wand to the Map. "Open sesame!"
Nothing happened.
James frowned. "Bloody parchment," he grumbled. He tapped the Map again, far more vigorously. "Open sesame, you stupid Map!"
And then - "Oi! "
Sirius was at his side in an instant; Peter and Remus glanced at each other, nodded, then sauntered casually over to have a look.
Dark ink, soaking lovingly into the otherwise still-blank Map, penned out a spidery scrawl with a suspiciously close resemblance to Remus's own. Mr. Moony would like to inquire what exactly Mr. Prongs thinks he's going to accomplish with that ridiculous incantation.
And then, in Peter's chicken scratch, far more legible than usual: Mr. Wormtail thinks perhaps Mr. Prongs missed the owl post on the new password.
Mr. Moony wonders if someone so abjectly useless as Mr. Prongs deserves to experience the marvels of this most illustrious artifact.
Mr. Wormtail would like to know what Messrs. Prongs and Padfoot have to say in their defense.
James was gawking openmouthed at the Map. Sirius, though, was staring at Remus, and there was something odd and unreadable in his eyes.
Finally finding his voice, James managed - "What the devil have you done to the Map?"
"What?" Remus asked innocently. "Having a bit of trouble, are you?"
"Pity, that," Peter agreed blandly. "After all the work you two have put into it, too."
"You changed the bloody password!" James burst out, flailing his arms a bit. Peter tactfully took a step out of his way.
Sirius was still staring at Remus, but the hint of a smile was starting to tug at the corners of his mouth. "Who gives a sod about that?" he said softly. "They've given the Map a voice."
Mr. Moony is glad to see that Mr. Padfoot is somewhat quicker on the uptake than his tragically dim best friend.
Remus held Sirius's gaze with a small smile of his own. He reached out and tapped the Map lightly. "I solemnly swear I am up to no good."
The Map unfurled, as it was wont to do. It was still painfully incomplete, but it hardly seemed aware of the fact.
Messrs. Moony and Wormtail are proud to present the Marauder's Map.
And, along the side, in smaller script: And they happily anticipate the day when Messrs. Padfoot and Prongs will join them.
"Brilliant," Sirius breathed.
"How did you do that?" James demanded.
"I guess we're not so useless after all," Peter said cheerfully.
Sirius looked up, face glowing with possibility, and Remus knew that if he'd been at all miffed to have been somewhat used by Remus before, all was now forgiven and forgotten, because there was just so much left to do, and hadn't they best get started?
Remus smiled. "Mischief managed."