Oh yeah It's bitch time...
SO.. last night I was a lazy bum. I feel asleep right before 8pm. I got up at 10:44pm smoked and then went to bed. I guess it was about 11:30 or 12:00 I get woken up by Brad saying WHO THE FUCK IS THAT GUY'S PICTURE SAVED? I had no clue what in the world he was talking about. I know better than that to leave something on the computer like that. Well it dawned on me who it was and it stupid msn saved it. (I swear I didn't realize it did it) Well Brad went all ape shit. YES I HAD ANOTHER GOD DAMN FIGHT ABOUT THE GOD DAMN INTERNET. After he bitched for a good 30 minutes he got an attitude hardcore bc I kept saying 'whatever'. Things start to cool off. So once again.. I have a list of things I can and can not do. I'm not allowed to look at guys pictures... or am I allowed to take pictures. My myspace account can stay.. only after I take down teh pictures of myself... excluding the ones that have me and brad in them. Chatting is fine. Forums are fine. He keeps thinking that this is his fault. That there is something that he isnt doing right bc of what i do online. I asked him about him being so insecure and he threw up that I was going to leave him for another guy that I had met on the net. WHICH... is soooooooooo not true. That was NEVER THE CASE. I was going to leave bc I wasn't happy. I told him the time before that I wouldn't have this fight anymore. That next time I would be done. And it happened again. I am over it. I have explained to him until I was blue in the face that I am not out there to hook up. These people I have talked to I've talked to for ages. But he doesn't trust the 'balls' . He says the only time guys have 'girl' friends is bc they are looking for a piece of ass. Regardless if they are single, married, divorced, or widowed. I'm so freaking tired. The fight ended about 1am. Then he was asleep and I couldn't sleep. I didn't go to bed until about 3. I'm just over it all. I get that we have actually been going in a good direction.. but I keep thinking to myself am I to broken to fix. Would I rather be alone than have to put up with all that I do. I'm just tired of not being happy. It seems that no matter what I do I just can't get ahead. I was happy for a couple of months last year. and I can't deny that and the reasons. I'm tired of doing what everyone wants me to do. what they expect of me. It feels like I am not in control of my life. and its always been that way. When I was little all the way up into my teenage years I always had to please everyone around me. I'm tired of pleasing everyone else except myself.