I don't know anymore
So Friday night me and brad went out for the first time in I dont know how long. We went to the mall to see Aeon Flux and have dinner. Well as we were walking around the mall Brad was talking about kids. I kept thinking to myself... I don't want kids. Which is strange bc all my life i've always wanted to be a mom. So right before we head back to go see the movie we go outside to smoke. On the way out there is a jewelry store. We stop and start looking. Well we get to teh wedding bands section. Brad thinks that we should get new wedding rings for our 5 yr annv. I am sitting here thinking to myself ugh i don't feel like looking at these. Before doing things like that made me excited. I felt like it was something to look foward too. I think now that even though everything is out in the air that i am just not able to feel anymore. It's like my heart isn't in the right place. I think i let the loneliness go on for way to long. It's not that I don't love him its just that i am not IN love with him anymore. And when i say that I feel no emotion whatso ever. And like i said before i go back and i think that i just can't feel anymore. He thinks everything is just fine and dandy. But its not. Even though the computer is in the living room he is still on it all the time. Sometime last week I started thinking to my self did i make the right decision. What if i would of told him to leave instead of stay. How would my life be different. Telling him to stay... is the changes going to last. Or are we going to head back down the same road. My best friend, who has been there throught everything, says that we are just 2 different people now. She still stands by her word that brad is not the one. That i married him bc i was afraid to be alone for the rest of my life. The more i think about it the more i believe its true. I am not afraid of being alone anymore. And i think that is what is pulling me away from Brad. That fear isn't there anymore. It feels as though i have beat it once and for all. I just don't know how long i can go on. I feel as though I don't have enough energy to go one with this anymore. I just don't know what to do. I don't know if i am giving up. I just don't want to have regret...