Angels Fall Without You There...
I am emotionally exhausted right now. I've gone from ecstatic to depressed to hyper to crushed to happy to worthless and all in the past week. I haven't done this since school and it's never been this bad. I've completely lost control over my feelings and in the past hour I've laughed, cried, and been plain and lost in my own little confused world. I guess it's bipolarism, which I do think I am bipolar. I've been getting really angry lately and about the stupidest stuff. My mom and sister say that I'm being grouchy all of the time and I'm really not meaning to be, but I feel like I'm losing control of myself. I've been bombarded with college crap and figuring out what I am doing and meeting with thousands of people and it seems like no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, I am still letting my mom down. She doesn't see what her negativity is doing to me right now and I don't want to be disrespectful and confront her about it, but I dunno what to do anymore with her. I love her like crazy, but she's being more like a friend right now and I want more of a mother, not someone to hang out with right now. I need advice, I need help, and I want to ask her for the help, but I dunno. Dad is really making things hard right now too. I know this sounds like I am being self-centered, but I'm sorry if I am. He's back to yelling about random crap and now he is flaunting the fact that he is a pot head. He thinks that it is something cool and he doesn't see how much that makes me dislike him. He comes home everyday either higher than a kite or soused to the gills. I don't even know him anymore. I don't even know myself anymore. And to top things off, I think Mike is cheating on me. Okay, now I'm crying again. I'm afraid to ask him about it, cuz I don't want to be hurt again. I don't want to have to accept the truth and I don't want to wrongfully accuse him and then make him break up with me. Why is it that every relationship with a guy that I have has to end like this? I end up broken hearted, depressed, and even physically and mentally injured. Am I destined to have my heart ripped out of my chest every single time? And people wonder why women find men disgusting, when people like me know nothing but the disgusting ones. I'm not saying Mike is discusting and I really do love him, and I really want things to work between us, but I can't take another let down like this. I thought this would be different, but I may be wrong. I dunno. I think I may just be being really paranoid and since I've been hurt so much in the past, I just automatically think that he is hurting me too. I've been known to do that in the past. I've pushed people away, friends away, to keep myself safe, and I don't want to do that to him. He means so much to me, but I don't know if he knows that. I feel so alone right now. I really really miss having someone to talk to. Right now I am stuck in the house with my mom all day. My siblings are in school and so are most of my friends. I am so confused right now. I am so lost and I am exhausted. I'm gonna shut up now and just sit here and wallow in my self-pity until I come to terms with whatever this is. Well, I hope all is well out there with the rest of you. Much love and Later Dayz...Byes.
Kayla...