Life in general.
So I realize that I kind of hate certain parts of my life, my memory especially.
It's funny how I can't remember the last two or three years, but middle school is like it happened yesterday.
All the kids jeering at me until I fled crying to the bathroom. That's when I first started thinking that God didn't exist, remember that this was a christian school. They say kids can be cruel, and they are, but I was born with no skin. A fragile creature born into a world of hate and ugliness. Since then I can remember every person that hurt me, and every person who has gone out of their way to make my life shitty.
I'm not complaining, it's just weird. Harley says it's because all the nice people have better things to do, and all the shitty assholes have nothing better to do than share their unhappiness. Am I a shitty asshole, too? I mean, perhaps at times, but I've never really stuck it to anyone who didn't deserve it, or anyone who couldn't defend themselves. I've always picked on people bigger than me, and maybe that's the root of all of my problems. I have never been one to pick on people weaker than myself, I always pick on the popular slutty girls or the arrogant guys.
So much of my life has slipped through my fingers, through my memories. So many good things that I wanted to hold on to, perhaps it's worth forgetting some of the horrible things that have happened to me. Maybe it's for the better, but I'll never really know that for sure.
Maybe this medicine is just making my brain age faster than it normally would, and I am becoming forgetful. I mean it's all pretty new shit so they don't even know what it does to you yet. But my therapist says that people who have episodes often have gaps in their memory. I only remember the first few episodes I had, since then it's been kind of a blur. I remember the time frame in which they happened (most of them) and some of them I can even remember where I was, but there are a few that I don't even remember and that I only know about because my mom has told me about them.
Strange. I just remember little snippets of words and whatnot. "I'm with Liz now." Asking for a pair of shorts from the bathroom, crying hysterically, banging my head into the wall, people asking me questions, that feeling in the pit of my stomach, being in a cold shower with all of my clothes on.
People try to understand, they really do, but it's beyond most people to be that sympathetic. It's not inside their realm of understanding. People, especially people my age, always think that they're bigger than their problems. Some people think even that if you ignore a problem it will eventually go away. Some people think that prayer will solve mental problems. The same people who are alcoholics and struggling to pay their bills cry at church every Sunday and pray that God will somehow fix it all. Like a magic potion.
God is the biggest joke of our society. I have never been more sick with religion or religious people. The same people who buy alcohol for minors are telling you not to smoke weed, and the same men who beat their wives are telling you that God will give you peace. The same leaders who are telling you to walk on the narrow path are astray. Hypocrites, all of them, they think God has all the answers. Doctors have all my answers, science does, modern medicine. I could have prayed until I was blue in the face, and I could have tried to explain it to Christians until I was blue in the face, and I would have ended up hanging myself. I would be dead right now if I had relied on God to save me. I have never met a Christian who would accept me, not even in my own family, and it's just disappointing. You would think people who believed in something that cannot be seen would be more open-minded, but they're not. They're bitter, about whatthefuckever, and they don't give a shit about anyone but themselves and their own personal relationship with God. They're worried about saving their own soul, and couldn't care less about anyone else. FUCK YOU ALL.
I smoke pot, I do. I'm not ashamed of it, I don't see any reason why I should be. I have found more sympathy and understanding in my two years of smoking pot from my pot-smoking peers than I have in eighteen years of living prior.
On a less serious note, I am having the best sex of my life. I have finally found a man considerate enough to please me, and he loves doing it. I have finally become comfortable with sex, which I never thought would happen from the years of emotional abuse by men in my life. Harley is a wonderful man and I will be pleased to have him as long as he will have me. I love waking up next to him in the morning and falling asleep next to him at night. He makes me feel at ease, like not everyone in the world is completely shitty. He doesn't talk about his feelings very much, but he is slowly but surely opening up to me, and I feel honoured that he would even consider such.
It's scary though, becoming so attached to someone. I'm worried that I'll slip back into my old ways, but I feel pretty confident at the moment that I won't. I can stand up for myself now, I have my own thoughts and opinions about the world and about life. I'm not going to worship whoever I date anymore, I am Kayce fucking Burdett and I am the shit and I know it. So what if I've gained ten pounds a year since sixteen? Suck my motherfucking dick, assholes. If you even took the time to get to know me you'd understand why I am the way I am, and you'd appreciate me for who I am as I do.
So anyway, guess it's time to go to bed. Peace out. Much love.
It's funny how I can't remember the last two or three years, but middle school is like it happened yesterday.
All the kids jeering at me until I fled crying to the bathroom. That's when I first started thinking that God didn't exist, remember that this was a christian school. They say kids can be cruel, and they are, but I was born with no skin. A fragile creature born into a world of hate and ugliness. Since then I can remember every person that hurt me, and every person who has gone out of their way to make my life shitty.
I'm not complaining, it's just weird. Harley says it's because all the nice people have better things to do, and all the shitty assholes have nothing better to do than share their unhappiness. Am I a shitty asshole, too? I mean, perhaps at times, but I've never really stuck it to anyone who didn't deserve it, or anyone who couldn't defend themselves. I've always picked on people bigger than me, and maybe that's the root of all of my problems. I have never been one to pick on people weaker than myself, I always pick on the popular slutty girls or the arrogant guys.
So much of my life has slipped through my fingers, through my memories. So many good things that I wanted to hold on to, perhaps it's worth forgetting some of the horrible things that have happened to me. Maybe it's for the better, but I'll never really know that for sure.
Maybe this medicine is just making my brain age faster than it normally would, and I am becoming forgetful. I mean it's all pretty new shit so they don't even know what it does to you yet. But my therapist says that people who have episodes often have gaps in their memory. I only remember the first few episodes I had, since then it's been kind of a blur. I remember the time frame in which they happened (most of them) and some of them I can even remember where I was, but there are a few that I don't even remember and that I only know about because my mom has told me about them.
Strange. I just remember little snippets of words and whatnot. "I'm with Liz now." Asking for a pair of shorts from the bathroom, crying hysterically, banging my head into the wall, people asking me questions, that feeling in the pit of my stomach, being in a cold shower with all of my clothes on.
People try to understand, they really do, but it's beyond most people to be that sympathetic. It's not inside their realm of understanding. People, especially people my age, always think that they're bigger than their problems. Some people think even that if you ignore a problem it will eventually go away. Some people think that prayer will solve mental problems. The same people who are alcoholics and struggling to pay their bills cry at church every Sunday and pray that God will somehow fix it all. Like a magic potion.
God is the biggest joke of our society. I have never been more sick with religion or religious people. The same people who buy alcohol for minors are telling you not to smoke weed, and the same men who beat their wives are telling you that God will give you peace. The same leaders who are telling you to walk on the narrow path are astray. Hypocrites, all of them, they think God has all the answers. Doctors have all my answers, science does, modern medicine. I could have prayed until I was blue in the face, and I could have tried to explain it to Christians until I was blue in the face, and I would have ended up hanging myself. I would be dead right now if I had relied on God to save me. I have never met a Christian who would accept me, not even in my own family, and it's just disappointing. You would think people who believed in something that cannot be seen would be more open-minded, but they're not. They're bitter, about whatthefuckever, and they don't give a shit about anyone but themselves and their own personal relationship with God. They're worried about saving their own soul, and couldn't care less about anyone else. FUCK YOU ALL.
I smoke pot, I do. I'm not ashamed of it, I don't see any reason why I should be. I have found more sympathy and understanding in my two years of smoking pot from my pot-smoking peers than I have in eighteen years of living prior.
On a less serious note, I am having the best sex of my life. I have finally found a man considerate enough to please me, and he loves doing it. I have finally become comfortable with sex, which I never thought would happen from the years of emotional abuse by men in my life. Harley is a wonderful man and I will be pleased to have him as long as he will have me. I love waking up next to him in the morning and falling asleep next to him at night. He makes me feel at ease, like not everyone in the world is completely shitty. He doesn't talk about his feelings very much, but he is slowly but surely opening up to me, and I feel honoured that he would even consider such.
It's scary though, becoming so attached to someone. I'm worried that I'll slip back into my old ways, but I feel pretty confident at the moment that I won't. I can stand up for myself now, I have my own thoughts and opinions about the world and about life. I'm not going to worship whoever I date anymore, I am Kayce fucking Burdett and I am the shit and I know it. So what if I've gained ten pounds a year since sixteen? Suck my motherfucking dick, assholes. If you even took the time to get to know me you'd understand why I am the way I am, and you'd appreciate me for who I am as I do.
So anyway, guess it's time to go to bed. Peace out. Much love.