She wears her heart on her sleeve...
It's been awhile.
I'm working on my 3rd year with CPS and I don't think I could be any more exhausted and torn on what my next move should be. On one hand, I am extremely passionate about this job...if I wasn't I wouldn't put up with the extra bullshit required to be a slave to the State for such little pay for the amount of work required. On the other hand, there has to be something I can do that will not consume my entire being...I don't know what keeps me working this job. I know my heart is completely in it, but it scares me...because the shit I see breaks it repeatedly. I thought I'd be cold to all of it by now, but after the shit day I had today...I don't know if I ever will be. I shouldn't feel as responsible as I do about what went down today. I know it's not my fault that the kid didn't outcry...but I still feel like the most worthless person on the planet...wen I sent that kid home with her dad my stomach literally turned. I tell myself I can only go where the facts take me and if the child isn't comfortable enough to talk about it there is nothing I can do and I'm sure as hell not going to force it. I just hope I have the opportunity to actually do my job before this case closes...you know, actually PROTECT her. She's 5 years old for the love of god.
I guess one thing that this job helps me with, is it really makes me appreciate the life my parents gave me. Yes, we were in a super religious cult, but you know what? So what! I was always surrounded by people that loved me and would do anything for me. I grew up being taught right from wrong and how to treat people. The reason I'm a halfway decent contributing member of society now is only because I had 2 rockin' parents that gave a shit. Yes, my mom is annoying as hell sometimes, but I love her and she's the only parent I have left on this planet and I'll be damned if I'm not going to try like hell to keep a relationship with her. I don't care if I'll never live up to her expectations...I'm going to keep trying to.
I'm just so thankful for the people that mean the most to me in my life. I have the best friend I've ever had in my entire life. She's more of my sister than actual blood and I don't know how I would've survived the last few years without her. She's stuck by me through everything even when I didn't know if I could actually survive it. <3 ya E.
I have 2 sisters that love me and I love them. I know we don't always get along, but both of them are there in a sec if I need them. I am so happy that Jes has found someone that loves her the way she deserves to be loved and that treats her like the incredible woman she has become. I cannot wait until they get pregnant! I know it will happen...and I rarely pray, but I do for that. Damien is like a new brother to me and I couldn't love him more for coming into my sister's life.
I have 2 baby cousins that are like my sisters and I love them dearly. I can't imagine my life without 'em.
I don't know why I'm feeling so sentimental tonight, but I guess after today...I just took some time to survey my life. I don't tell the people in my life enough how much I love and appreciate them. It can't be an easy thing putting up with me. :)
Anyways, I am beyond blessed in this life. To whatever/whoever is out there lookin' out for me...thank you.
I'm going to try to keep up with this thing...it's a great way to vent!
Excuse the grammatical errors...spelling mistakes...and ellipses.
Night y'all
P.S. Mad Men 3 Dvds EEK :)
I'm working on my 3rd year with CPS and I don't think I could be any more exhausted and torn on what my next move should be. On one hand, I am extremely passionate about this job...if I wasn't I wouldn't put up with the extra bullshit required to be a slave to the State for such little pay for the amount of work required. On the other hand, there has to be something I can do that will not consume my entire being...I don't know what keeps me working this job. I know my heart is completely in it, but it scares me...because the shit I see breaks it repeatedly. I thought I'd be cold to all of it by now, but after the shit day I had today...I don't know if I ever will be. I shouldn't feel as responsible as I do about what went down today. I know it's not my fault that the kid didn't outcry...but I still feel like the most worthless person on the planet...wen I sent that kid home with her dad my stomach literally turned. I tell myself I can only go where the facts take me and if the child isn't comfortable enough to talk about it there is nothing I can do and I'm sure as hell not going to force it. I just hope I have the opportunity to actually do my job before this case closes...you know, actually PROTECT her. She's 5 years old for the love of god.
I guess one thing that this job helps me with, is it really makes me appreciate the life my parents gave me. Yes, we were in a super religious cult, but you know what? So what! I was always surrounded by people that loved me and would do anything for me. I grew up being taught right from wrong and how to treat people. The reason I'm a halfway decent contributing member of society now is only because I had 2 rockin' parents that gave a shit. Yes, my mom is annoying as hell sometimes, but I love her and she's the only parent I have left on this planet and I'll be damned if I'm not going to try like hell to keep a relationship with her. I don't care if I'll never live up to her expectations...I'm going to keep trying to.
I'm just so thankful for the people that mean the most to me in my life. I have the best friend I've ever had in my entire life. She's more of my sister than actual blood and I don't know how I would've survived the last few years without her. She's stuck by me through everything even when I didn't know if I could actually survive it. <3 ya E.
I have 2 sisters that love me and I love them. I know we don't always get along, but both of them are there in a sec if I need them. I am so happy that Jes has found someone that loves her the way she deserves to be loved and that treats her like the incredible woman she has become. I cannot wait until they get pregnant! I know it will happen...and I rarely pray, but I do for that. Damien is like a new brother to me and I couldn't love him more for coming into my sister's life.
I have 2 baby cousins that are like my sisters and I love them dearly. I can't imagine my life without 'em.
I don't know why I'm feeling so sentimental tonight, but I guess after today...I just took some time to survey my life. I don't tell the people in my life enough how much I love and appreciate them. It can't be an easy thing putting up with me. :)
Anyways, I am beyond blessed in this life. To whatever/whoever is out there lookin' out for me...thank you.
I'm going to try to keep up with this thing...it's a great way to vent!
Excuse the grammatical errors...spelling mistakes...and ellipses.
Night y'all
P.S. Mad Men 3 Dvds EEK :)