(no subject)
i have just now realized something. its like a light just came on in my head.
everytime i go somewhere with people, i never feel like they really want me there. it always seems like im the one just tagging along, not really included. im not saying this to be spiteful, or mean, and im not trying to be bitter. but its a fact. i never feel like i fit in quite like everyone else does. and i dont think its because of my weight, either. i think its just me. i dont feel this way around two people and only two people, and it hit me a minute ago these are two people i neglect the most. and no, its not kaci. sometimes when kaci has a cousin over, or nikos..i almost feel like i shouldnt be there. its not that im ignored, its that...i dont know. and its not spencer. i especially feel like spencer and i shouldnt be friends sometimes. i dont have a problem being left out, it doesnt bother me to not have the spot light all the time. spencer kimball has ten million people that he knows, and everytime we go somewhere--it doesnt matter where we are, he finds someone he knows. plus we have NOTHING in common. so its easy for me to feel like i dont fit in with him. the only two people ive ever felt completely comfortable with are lea bond and sarah collins. and i dont know what it is. sarah and i were good friends for a little while in the seventh grade, when we both thought it was mandatory that you have a BEST friend. lea....lea has just always been there. lea is lea. she hasnt changed a single bit, and while i was growing and while i was changing and trying to be better than who i was, lea and sarah were there, holding me up. and i didnt even see them. i couldnt.
kaci is my best friend, and my life. that will never change. and spencer is a friend that sometimes i dont think i could do without. sam, shawna, and sean. we dont talk much, but you guys are still really good friends of mine. lisa, you are a great person...i dont know. i cant put this into words the right way.
but lea and sarah. thats something else. and i cant beleive i didnt see it.
im not writing all this to offend anyone, or anything like that.
when i went to the sad on saturdy...i felt completely out of place. i was not comfortable at all there, and i really felt like i should have been somewhere else. and then, i read a friend of mines entry today...and im not even there. where everyone else was mentioned, i was not. its not that not being part of something bothers me...i dont know. im not sure what im getting at here. when i was at the sad, i just wanted to be alone. thats when i think i really started to put the peices together.
i have to go. im sorry if this upsets anybody, but try and understand its just me writing a bunch of worthless shit down. tomorrow this will probably be completely forgotten.
like me.
everytime i go somewhere with people, i never feel like they really want me there. it always seems like im the one just tagging along, not really included. im not saying this to be spiteful, or mean, and im not trying to be bitter. but its a fact. i never feel like i fit in quite like everyone else does. and i dont think its because of my weight, either. i think its just me. i dont feel this way around two people and only two people, and it hit me a minute ago these are two people i neglect the most. and no, its not kaci. sometimes when kaci has a cousin over, or nikos..i almost feel like i shouldnt be there. its not that im ignored, its that...i dont know. and its not spencer. i especially feel like spencer and i shouldnt be friends sometimes. i dont have a problem being left out, it doesnt bother me to not have the spot light all the time. spencer kimball has ten million people that he knows, and everytime we go somewhere--it doesnt matter where we are, he finds someone he knows. plus we have NOTHING in common. so its easy for me to feel like i dont fit in with him. the only two people ive ever felt completely comfortable with are lea bond and sarah collins. and i dont know what it is. sarah and i were good friends for a little while in the seventh grade, when we both thought it was mandatory that you have a BEST friend. lea....lea has just always been there. lea is lea. she hasnt changed a single bit, and while i was growing and while i was changing and trying to be better than who i was, lea and sarah were there, holding me up. and i didnt even see them. i couldnt.
kaci is my best friend, and my life. that will never change. and spencer is a friend that sometimes i dont think i could do without. sam, shawna, and sean. we dont talk much, but you guys are still really good friends of mine. lisa, you are a great person...i dont know. i cant put this into words the right way.
but lea and sarah. thats something else. and i cant beleive i didnt see it.
im not writing all this to offend anyone, or anything like that.
when i went to the sad on saturdy...i felt completely out of place. i was not comfortable at all there, and i really felt like i should have been somewhere else. and then, i read a friend of mines entry today...and im not even there. where everyone else was mentioned, i was not. its not that not being part of something bothers me...i dont know. im not sure what im getting at here. when i was at the sad, i just wanted to be alone. thats when i think i really started to put the peices together.
i have to go. im sorry if this upsets anybody, but try and understand its just me writing a bunch of worthless shit down. tomorrow this will probably be completely forgotten.
like me.