Some things I need to say...
I have some things I need to say to you and I kind of hope you never read them, but if you do, ok!
I don't know that I ever truly let you know how it felt to lose you, and not just you, but everything I had. I told you some, but I also know that I was always so concerned about your feelings and about looking or feeling crazy or unstable or something. I was more insecure than I ever realized and still can be at times. However, I have been working on me a lot and know that I am still holding on to a lot of pain, so here goes!
We had our fights and moments off and on throughout our twelve years together, but I think the real pain started when Erin decided we weren't friends any more. You have to realize, for twelve years, I had built a new life. My friends became your friends, your friends became my friends, Austin was home, you and Erin were my new family...I had hopes and dreams that I had conceived and built on based on these friends and family. The two people I loved the most in the world at that time were you and Erin. I know I wasn't always an easy person and I could be needy and clingy and dramatic, but I was honest and I expected the same from you. The more either of you lied to me, the more it hurt. I started doubting myself and who I could trust and yet, I kept giving my love and trust to you.
When she informed me that we weren't friends, it hurt so bad. She had seen it for awhile, but never really sat and talked to me about her concerns and I never saw it. So, it was a slap in the face. Then she basically told me that the reason I was such a bad friend is cause I was so wrapped up in you, that I stopped listening and paying attention to her...that is probably true. That was some of the BIGGEST heartache I had ever gone through, and I leaned on you for support. I didn't expect you to not talk to her, but when I saw the flirty text crap between you two...that killed me. I tried so hard to wrap my head around it and understand it, but I couldn't.
When I went to school, I did that for me, but also for us...I wanted us to have a better life. I wanted to give you everything you wanted. I wanted us to be in a situation financially where we could do Ren Faire whenever we wanted, or send you up to see your dad more, travel with you...everything we talked about! I saw how hard it was for you, when your friends were making more money and able to do things, and I hated that you couldn't have those things...that we couldn't. When you gave me that ring and told me you wanted me to know that you wanted me to come back and you were ready to get married when I did...it was the BEST feeling I had ever had. I wasn't sure you were ever going to be ready, but I was going to wait...and then, you made the best promise to me that I could ever ask for and made the leaving worth it. I left Austin and moved back with my parents...i. my 30s... one of the hardest things I have ever done, to build us a better life together, believing that when I came back, we would get married and have a fabulous life!
Then more drama happened with Erin...she sent you boob pics for fucks sake and you thought that was ok...I mean you knew I hated it when ANY girl you knew sent you nude pics and shit like that, but ERIN? Seriously? I am not angry about it anymore, but I never understood. I never could wrap my head around how you could say you love me and then do that. So, it was hard...then the Cindy thing happened and again, I couldn't understand. Then things just got worse...your friends trying to convince me to leave you alone cause I was horrible for you, my friends telling me you that you didn't actually love me and were just using me, people trying to convince me you were cheating on me while I was in El Paso...it just got worse and worse. I started doubting Everything...who I could trust, who really cared about me, whether or not I should keep believing in us and fighting for you or whether I was a complete idiot.
Then your dad died and I wanted to be with you so badly, but you didn't want me to come out there. You didn't need me, and I didn't know how to handle that. So, I just did my best to be there for you and talk to you and tell you how much I loved you and made sure you knew...I was there. Then you told me you thought you might be falling for Randi and I took a deep breath and figured you were just panicking...between the Erin stuff, me being away and your dad...it was a lot. So, I told you to figure it out and I would be there when you did. By October, most of the people who I had been close to had stopped talking to me. No one seemed to care. You seemed happier with me gone then with me home...I went back home after the Halloween party, very Lost. Like my entire world had disappeared overnight. IT was like being in a walking nightmare and all I wanted to do was wake up and go back to my real life...only...this was my life and I began to shatter.
When you finally told me you didn't know if you proposed and gave me the ring because you meant it or because I wanted it...that was kind of the final piece for me. I mean, I didn't ask you for the ring...I told you to ask me when YOU were ready and it was technically, the third time you asked...so, I believed you meant it...I believed you wanted to spend your life with me and that the doubt was just you were freaking out about it or your friends getting in your head...but you didn't believe in us and I wasn't sure I could keep believing for both of us. So, I chose to give the ring back and I chose to walk away until you knew. Truth is, I left believing you would come back like always, when you were ready. But, I couldn't handle it, so I looked for other relationships and worked on me...
I tried what my family and Christian friends suggested and looked for a Christian man...I found a good one and we became great friends and I did love him. I loved the type of man he was, I loved the idea that we could probably have a great life together if that is where things lead, but I was never IN LOVE with him. I was ok with that. I didn't want to fall in love the way I had with you, cause that feeling ends...so, I figured, this could work, but he wanted to fall in love and so that ended. I made a great friend...found a few other guys that seemed interesting, but most were asses, so that went nowhere. We hung out that year. We had a great time having sushi and staying up late watching movies and making out and laughing. I asked if you wanted to try again and you said you still didn't see yourself getting married and that if I wanted to come back, not to do it just for you. I left crushed...
And then Justin came into my life again. He had been "in love" with me for years, even before I met you and I thought, ok, maybe I try to be with someone who seems dead set on committing and see where it goes. So, I moved out there and tried that...even said yes, when he proposed like 2 months later (which, I honestly thought was nuts, but hey...). Truth...I said yes, hoping you would get jealous I was engaged to someone else and beg me to come back. Which was super shitty to do to him. I mean I did love him too...as a friend...but that was it. I loved the attention he gave me, but I should never have lead him to believe I loved him in the way he wanted. You and I talked a lot and we got a lot out at that time, but I held back a lot, trying to make you believe I was mostly ok and just needed closure. I remember, you made a comment that you didn't have anyone to help you through the hard times, like I did, but I don't think you realized that it was all hard for me...they didn't help...they made it worse. I didn't ask what parts were so hard for you, but I wish I had. I always believed it was easy for you and that you were super happy. When I asked you why you did some of the things you did, you just kept saying you apologized, and I get that, but maybe you didn't know why either, but I never really got my answer. What I did get was that I didn't want a man in my life. I wanted to be single and handle me and wait for you.
Then, I lied to you...I told you I met a guy who made me feel like you did. I told you this, because I didn't want you to know that I was still in love with you and not moving on, because it seemed like you were. I wanted to stay friends and keep in touch, but I didn't know how without making it seem like I was adjusting. So, I am sorry I lied to you. After that, I distanced myself from you cause I honestly didn't know how to be friends with you. I found it much easier to pretend I didn't have feelings for you, if I didn't speak to you, so I distanced myself. It got easier.
Then I met James. I met him and started spending time with him, just as friends, around the time I came out for the Halloween party in 2012. You and I spent a lot of fun time together that weekend, and it freaked me out. It was supposed to be just casual, but I still had feelings for you and it sucked. So, when James started showing interest, I allowed myself to see where it went. I did legitimately fall in love with him and in doing so, forced myself to put even more distance between you and I. But, I will be honest,
I never stopped hoping and believing you would want me back. I wrote you a lot of emails from 2010-2016...that never got sent. But you didn't come back, you didn't fight for me...you were gone and so was my entire world for 12 years...my friends, my home and you...and now I had to create a new one and pretend I was ok. I was content and surviving, but I wasn't where I wanted to be. I accepted my new life, embraced it and put what I could into it.
Over the past couple of years I have done what I can to make my marriage work and to care for my family. I have a career I love, friends, a great church, and I have built up my relationship with my family. I have figured out who I can count on from my past and who I can't...EXCEPT FOR YOU. You are an enigma! I knew I still loved you and missed you, but I didn't realize how much until I saw you and it has been a mess. Do not misunderstand...I know we aren't good together and I am loving the friendship we are rebuilding. I love my husband and want my marriage to last and be happy, but...
There are just a few things I am struggling with that I hope might help me move on...
1) Did you really love me? I believed wholeheartedly you did, but after things ended, I started doubting myself...
2) Did you mean it at some point, when you said you wanted to make me happy for a lifetime? Or were those just pretty words to keep me with you?
3) If you didn't mean it...why propose three different times? Why put me through that? Why put yourself through that?
I don't understand and it still eats at me. Help me understand.