(no subject)
To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.
Dear Dogs,
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The
other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a
paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim
for it becoming yours, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in
the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a
racetrack....beating me to the top or bottom is not the object.
Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry
about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to
ensure your comfort. Dogs can actually curl up in a ball
when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep stretched out to the
fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight
out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space
is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If
by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it
is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get
your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit
through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the
bathroom for years -- canine attendance is not required.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog's
butt. I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:
To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the
furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pet a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he is an adopted son who is short,
hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Remember: In many ways, dogs are better than kids because
they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3. Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a "gazillion" dollars for college. And
finally,
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.
Dear Dogs,
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The
other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a
paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim
for it becoming yours, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in
the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a
racetrack....beating me to the top or bottom is not the object.
Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry
about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to
ensure your comfort. Dogs can actually curl up in a ball
when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep stretched out to the
fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight
out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space
is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If
by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it
is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get
your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit
through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the
bathroom for years -- canine attendance is not required.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog's
butt. I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:
To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the
furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pet a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he is an adopted son who is short,
hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Remember: In many ways, dogs are better than kids because
they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3. Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a "gazillion" dollars for college. And
finally,
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.