Shingeki no Kyojin crack ficlets
It's been a long time since I wrote anything, so I'm probably terribly out of practice.
Title: Of Trees and Priorities
Author: kaworu_renritsu
Fandom: Shingeki no Kyojin
Pairing: none
Characters: Eren, Hanji, Levi
Genre: humour, crack
Rating: G
Summary: A scene from Eren's training with Hanji. Hanji should pay better attention to her subjects ^_^
A/N: Copyright for the idea goes to ai_uke, or rather to our spam... I mean, discussion in the comments to this picture.
Wordcount: ~850
"Now, Eren, try picking up that twig," Hanji chirped happily, and Eren sighed.
It wasn't that he minded training all that much or that he didn't want to improve his control over his titan body, but the Squad Leader's experiments were getting more and more bizarre. This time she wanted Eren to pick up and move objects without using his hands.
"That's it, good boy," Hanji cooed as Eren crouched to take the twig out of her hand with his teeth. She petted his nose with a creepily indulgent smile before hopping onto his shoulder. "Now, up we go!" she announced and gave an extra happy hoot making Eren cringe. Did she have to do it so close to his ear?
The next hour was an exercise in self-restraint because every time Hanji chirped or squealed (which was at least every minute) Eren could feel his eardrums vibrating painfully, and in the end he just couldn't take it anymore. He chose a moment when Hanji was making a happy dance on his shoulder, arms flying in all directions and her jacket riding up, and in one swift movement squeezed the body of her 3D Manoeuvre Gear between his teeth.
"Eren, what are you doing!?" Hanji shrieked dangling from his mouth like a mouse caught by a cat.
Eren uttered a few very 'intelligent' groans desperately trying to explain.
"You're so cute when you whine!" Hanji cooed.
What!? He wasn't whining! Eren sputtered inwardly.
"But I didn't understand a thing," Hanji finished with a giggle.
Eren sighed.
"Now, now," Hanji said reaching out to pat his chin. "Just for this you can use your hands."
Eren nodded, feeling partially guilty and partially delighted when Hanji yelped at being shaken. Then he pointed at his ear and uttered a sound that even he himself couldn't deny sounded like a whine.
"Did I hurt you!?" Hanji shrieked incredulously, and Eren answered with another pitiful sound. "Poor Eren, I'm so sorry," Hanji cooed scratching underneath his chin. "Still, does sound hurt titans? Incredible! I'll have to experiment on that."
Eren groaned at the thought.
"Alright, alright, I won't," Hanji placated with a laugh then muttered something that sounded suspiciously like 'for now'.
Eren shuddered.
"What are you doing, shitty glasses?" sounded from below, and Eren looked down to see Corporal Levi at his feel, full equipment and sour expression in place.
"Ah, Levi!" Hanji greeted happily waving at the Corporal. "As you can see, we're training."
"Doesn't seem that way to me," Levi answered with a scowl. "Eren!"
Eren moved into parade stance, cringing when Hanji gave a particularly loud whoop at the sudden movement.
The corner of Levi's mouth shifted before he continued. "There's a boulder that has to be moved. Come with me, that's an order."
"But we haven't finished!" Hanji protested, but Levi just glared in her general direction.
"Don't make we repeat myself," he told Eren with narrowed eyes and turned to walk in the direction of the castle. "And leave that thing somewhere," he threw over his shoulder.
"That's rude!" Hanji screamed after him and Eren couldn't disagree. Still, orders were orders, especially from the Corporal.
Eren looked around until he saw a thick branch conveniently close to his height. He manoeuvred until he could hang Hanji on it by the straps on her back, still careful about her order not to use his hands. When he was satisfied that she wouldn't fall off the second he moved away, he turned and ran after the Corporal, catching up in a couple of strides and then slowing down to match his pace.
***
Hanji sighed happily as she watched Eren's retreating back. True, they didn't finish their training, but she'd made a very interesting discovery about Eren being possibly sensitive to sounds, so all in all she couldn't complain about her day. She couldn't wait to finish her notes back at the castle.
"Right, let's get off from here," she said and pulled the trigger on her operating device. Nothing happened. Hanji tried a few more times, but the result was still the same.
With a sigh Hanji wriggled until she could see the actual body of the gear, and the sight made her gulp. There was a large tooth mark right in the middle of it. Which would explain why the Gear wouldn't start. And also meant that she was stuck in the tree.
Hanji looked down, trying to see if she could take a controlled fall with the use of lower branches, but the almost bare trunk didn't look very promising. Then she looked in the direction Eren and Levi had gone, but they were already out of sight. Still, maybe if they haven't gone too far away....
***
Eren stopped to look around. He was sure he'd heard someone calling him....
"What is it?" Levi asked.
Eren gestured, explaining.
"You think you heard someone?" Levi confirmed.
Eren nodded.
"Ignore it," Levi said, and Eren was almost sure that the Corporal was smirking.
What could it have been? Eren took another second to think but then shrugged and continued on his way.
Title: Bathing Day... It Is Not
Author: kaworu_renritsu
Fandom: Shingeki no Kyojin
Pairing: pre-Eren x Levi if you squint
Characters: Eren, Hanji, Levi, Mikasa
Genre: humour, crack
Rating: G
Summary: Another training session, and another problem Eren has to face. Who will protect him from his superiors' wrath?
A/N: There's a hint of pre-Eren x Levi if you squint (that will probably get me killed. Sorry, Vega ^^")
Copyright for the idea goes to ai_uke, or rather to our spam... I mean, discussion in the comments to this picture.
Wordcount: ~1200
It was another training session with Hanji, and this time Eren was actually having fun. They were working on his agility, so most of the time he was running or rolling on the ground, evading the obstacles Hanji had prepared for him.
"Alright, Eren, that's very good," Hanji shouted from her standing point some distance away. "Now come here, I want to try something else."
Eren did as he was told, stopping in front of Hanji, panting slightly from all of the exercise.
"You're improving a lot," Hanji told him with a smile. "But there's still a lot you have to learn."
Eren nodded in agreement.
"And still a lot more I want to learn about you," Hanji continued.
Eren gave her another nod, much less confident this time.
"Don't be scared," Hanji laughed. "I won't hurt you. ...irreparably," she added as an afterthought, and Eren was ready to bolt from the words combined with Hanji's radiant grin. "Now, now." She held out a hand, probably in an attempt to calm him, but Eren didn't feel reassured at all. "I'm thinking of something even more fun for the rest of the training. Are you interested, Eren?"
Eren shifted from foot to foot nervously.
"I know you're interested," Hanji continued in her trademark enthusiastic manner. "Imagine you're in a battlefield. Can you do that?"
Eren nodded. This much was easy. That was why he was training in the first place, right?
"Now. You're never alone there. Or at least you shouldn't be. So you're fighting alongside someone."
Eren nodded again.
"So how would you interact with them?" Hanji asked with a huge grin, and Eren frowned.
For all of his bravado about killing titans he couldn't see himself as part of a team, at least not in his titan form. How was he supposed to interact with the others without hurting them? It was one thing to protect someone -- he knew he would do it, proved it with Mikasa and Armin -- but when his primary goal was to fight...? The only two people he could imagine keeping up with him were Mikasa and--
"Oi! Levi!"
Eren snapped out of his thoughts at Hanji's yell.
"I know you're hiding there, so come out and help us!"
Levi materialised from behind a tree, his usual scowl in place.
"You heard everything, right?" Hanji chirped happily. "So let Eren carry you while he's doing the obstacle course!"
"Are you out of your mind, shitty glasses? As if I'd let him touch me."
Eren sighed disappointed. Of course the Corporal wouldn't want to touch a monster like him.
"Hey, Levi! You're hurting Eren's feelings," Hanji said, hands on her hips. "At least try to be nice from time to time."
Levi hmph'ed, looking uncomfortable. "Who'd care about a shitty brat's feelings?" he muttered. "And he should know that I'd never touch anything covered in mud unless absolutely necessary. Right, Eren?" Levi looked at him, and Eren nearly dropped his jaw.
Was it just him, or was Corporal Levi, humanity's strongest soldier, actually blushing? No, it was impossible. Eren shook his head to clear the illusion.
"So what, you think I'd--"
"Alright then!" Hanji interrupted Levi's oncoming tirade. "All we have to do is clean Eren, right?"
For some reason Eren didn't like the gleam in Hanji's eyes.
"I was going to test water's effects on titans anyway, so why not kill two birds with one stone, hmm? What do you say, Eren?"
Eren looked from Hanji's almost ecstatic grin to Levi who was already rolling up his sleeves, his scowl darker than usual. The sight made Eren shiver, and he felt his brain slowly shutting down, transferring all control to instincts.
"Now, Eren, it won't be so bad," Hanji cooed.
"Not bad at all," Levi growled, glaring at Eren with killing intent.
Eren did the first thing that came to mind. He arched his back and hissed, and then he bolted.
Running felt good, tree branches brushing against his skin and wind hitting his face, and after some time Eren felt his head clearing. He stopped, mortified. Not only had he disobeyed a direct order from two of his superiors (well, it wasn't exactly an order, but still), he also ran away. What was he going to do now? He was sure that Levi would kill him as soon as he could get his hands on him, and Eren really didn't want to die. Sighing he plodded through the forest, head hung low, until a sound caught his attention. A swishing sound of 3D Manoeuvre Gear.
Eren mentally gave himself a kick. Of course they were going to follow him! They couldn't just leave a titan roaming free, could they? Eren intended to stay still and meet his fate with dignity, he really did, but his legs apparently had other ideas.
He ran again, the sounds of pursuing closer and closer until he could clearly hear Hanji's screams for him to stop. Eren made a few random turns to throw his superiors off, or maybe not so random because he ended up on a clearing where the new recruits were training.
The young soldiers flew in all directions, some actually screamed, and only one figure stayed still. Eren ran to the familiar red scarf, and then crouched behind Mikasa, trying to make himself as small as possible. A giggle sounded from Eren's side, unmistakably Armin's, but it died out when Hanji and Levi landed in front of them.
"Hey, shitty brat," Levi said with a glare that could make titans wet themselves. "Care to explain what that was about?"
Eren shivered, lowering his head to the ground so that it was behind Mikasa's back.
"What are you trying to do to Eren?" Mikasa asked, moving so that she could cover Eren better, as futile as it was with their difference in proportions.
"Back off, Ackerman," Levi answered with obvious threat in his voice.
Mikasa didn't move an inch.
"We're not going to hurt him." It was Hanji this time, her arms opened in an attempt to look less threatening. "We're just trying to wash him."
"Huh?" Mikasa's voice sounded surprised, and her stance slackened for a second before she tensed again. "Doesn't look like he wants to get washed," she said.
"Watch it, girl! Is this any way to talk to your superiors." Apparently their instructor recovered from the shock. Auruo, was it? Eren glared at him, and the man shut up with an audible gulp.
"Are you sure you want to take me on?" Levi again. His voice was low and dangerous, and Eren stared at the ground so he wouldn't have to look at his superior's face.
"With all due respect, sir." Mikasa spat the last word out as if it tasted sour. "I don't think Eren is in any shape to do anything at the moment."
"Hmph. Do as you wish. Let's go, shitty glasses."
The sound of footsteps, and then Mikasa's hand was on his nose. Eren raised his eyes to look at her.
"Are you alright, Eren," she asked, looking into his eyes.
Eren nodded.
"Good. If that midget tries anything again, come to me, I'll drive him off."
Eren shifted nervously. Somehow he had mixed feelings about this, and now he was also worried about both his and Mikasa's wellbeing, especially during sleep.
Title: Of Hidden Pasts and Unexpected Reactions
Author: kaworu_renritsu
Fandom: Shingeki no Kyojin
Pairing: pre-Eren x Levi
Characters: Eren, Hanji, Levi, Erwin
Genre: humour, crack
Rating: G
Summary: Another training session with Hanji, and this time some surprising facts come out about one of the characters' past. Reactions vary and substances fly.
Set supposedly after the current arc of manga, but there are no real spoilers.
Wordcount: ~1900
As soon as Eren was back and fit for duty, Hanji wanted him to train. Figured. He sighed and dragged himself to the clearing where they were supposed to meet.
"Hey, Eren!" Hanji greeted him cheerfully. "How are you feeling?"
Eren opened his mouth to answer, but Hanji was already talking again.
"It's so good to have you back. You have no idea how bo-- I mean, lonely it was without you! I can't wait to continue with our experiments. What about you, Eren? Did you miss me, too?"
This time Eren didn't even bother trying to answer.
"Shitty glasses, he'll go deaf from your constant blabbering."
As soon as Eren heard Levi's voice, he turned to face his commanding officer immediately going into parade stance.
"Good morning, sir! Erm, sirs," Eren corrected when he saw Commander Erwin closely behind Levi.
"At ease," Levi told him.
Eren relaxed and watched Levi closely as Hanji and Erwin exchanged greetings. Levi was in his uniform, already recovered from his wound. Or at least that was what he told everyone, but Eren wasn't sure if he was convinced. Levi's gait seemed a little off to him.
"What are you staring at, brat?" Levi asked, and his tone was neutral enough.
"Sorry, sir," Eren answered. "I'm glad you're fine again."
"Not that it's any of your business," Levi muttered, turning away.
Eren bit his lip to keep from smiling.
"So, sir, why are you here today?" Hanji was asking Erwin, and Eren turned to look at them, curious.
"Nothing you have to worry about," Erwin told her. "I just want to see how far you've gotten with Eren."
"You have no idea, sir!" Hanji announced happily. "We've done so much so far, and today I was going to work on Eren's ability to harden parts of himself. Are you interested? I can tell you all of my theories."
"I think I'll better watch," Erwin replied with a small smile.
"As you wish, sir. Now then, Eren. Are you ready to transform?"
"Yes, ma'am!" Eren answered and dutifully bit onto his hand before he could get too nervous from so many superiors watching him.
His senses shifted as he transformed. It wasn't as shocking as it had once been, but still the feeling wasn't exactly pleasant. As soon as the steam cleared, Eren looked around, getting used to the new perspective.
"It looks easier now, doesn't it?" Erwin's voice sounded from below.
Eren looked down to see the others gathered around his feet.
"Yes, it does. I think...."
"Oi, brat."
Eren tuned Hanji out as soon as he heard Levi's voice.
"Get down here, I don't want to break my neck looking up at you."
Eren carefully lowered himself onto his hands and knees, and then even further down until his chin was almost touching the ground.
"That's better," Levi told him.
"Thank you for ordering my subject around," Hanji intervened with obvious sarcasm. "Now step aside, I have experiments to do."
Levi huffed but walked away a few steps, stopping with his arms folded on his chest.
"Now, Eren." Hanji was standing in front of him, a notebook in her hand. "Let's start with something small. Say, a strand of hair."
Eren nodded. He separated a small strand of hair from the rest and held it between two fingers so that it dangled in front of his face. Then he concentrated, trying to harden it.
After a minute Hanji poked the strand with her pen, and it shifted easily.
"Hmm, doesn't seem to work," she commented. "Eren, are you concentrating enough?"
Eren nodded.
"Make that happen, brat. That's an order," Levi's voice told him from the side, and Eren wanted to sigh. Easy for him to say.
An hour later he was able to cover the strand of hair with a thin layer of crystalline substance that shuttered easily when Hanji touched it with her pen.
"I'm fucking tired of this," Levi grumbled from his standing point. "Listen, Eren. If you don't do something very soon, I'm declaring this shitty experiment a failure, cutting you out, and you'll spend the next month cleaning the toilets."
"Oi!" Hanji protested at the same time as Erwin said "Now, now, Levi. You can't rush these things."
Levi huffed, and Eren was sure that no matter what Commander Erwin thought, Levi would find a way to make Eren clean the toilets for the rest of his life. He squeezed his eyes, trying not to think of his bleak future, but a moment later had to open them again at Hanji's happy squeal.
"Eren! You did it!" she yelled.
He blinked a few times before looking at the strand of hair between his fingers. He shook it a bit, but it remained straight.
"Now let's see how strong it is."
"Here, let me," Levi said as he walked towards Eren.
Eren didn't even have time to blink before Levi jumped and kicked the strand with all his might.
The strand stood still.
"Hmm," Levi commented, his tone mildly approving.
Eren sighed in relief. Apparently his toilet duty was off.
"I wonder if the structure is consistent throughout the strand," Hanji said, making a few notes. "Levi, could you climb up to check?"
"Why the fuck should I take part in your experiment," Levi retorted with a glare.
"Because you're already here and you seem bored," Hanji returned.
Levi tsk'ed but still climbed up the strand, and Eren's eyes nearly crossed as he tried watch the Corporal. Levi knocked on the strand from time to time then hit and kicked it in several places.
"Consistent," he announced before sliding down.
"Good, good." Hanji scribbled in her notebook. "Now let's see how long Eren can keep it up."
Eren sighed. He should have anticipated something like that.
"And what am I supposed to do in the meantime!?" Levi demanded.
"Whatever you want," Hanji replied. "You're not part of the experiment."
Levi opened his mouth to retort, but before he could say anything, Erwin started talking.
"You could remember the old days," he said. "It's been a while since I've seen you in that kind of action."
Eren frowned, confused. What was Erwin talking about?
"And why would I do that?" Levi asked. "If you want a show, go somewhere else."
Eren looked at Hanji, but she seemed just as clueless.
"I won't deny that I want to see it," Erwin continued, "but haven't you once said that it took a lot more strength and agility than it looked? Or do you think you're not up for the task? Which would be completely understandable, of course - you've had no practice for years, and you have just recovered from an injury."
Levi scowled at the very obvious challenge.
"Not that it's any of your business, but I had enough practice. 3D Manoeuvre Gear requires about the same skills." He narrowed his eyes at Erwin. "Ah, well," he added, sounding pointedly indifferent. "Might as well warm up while I'm here."
Levi put a hand on the strand almost lazily, sliding it up until it was well above his head, and then spun around the strand. His other hand also came up, gripping the strand, and Levi lifted himself up, still spinning, his legs going into a split midair.
Eren's jaw dropped. And by the sound of it, so did Hanji's.
Levi continued spinning, twisting until only one of his hands was gripping the strand, his other hand holding one of his legs so that they were parallel to the strand. Did gravity apply to him at all?, Eren thought.
Another twist, and Levi was spinning upside down, one leg curled around the strand while the rest of his body moved slowly until it was at the ninety degree angle to the leg that was still gripping the strand.
"Holy cow," Eren heard Hanji muttering, and he couldn't agree more.
But Levi obviously wasn't finished. After righting himself he climbed higher on the strand, still upside down, and then, holding himself only by his hands, bent backwards until his feet were nearly touching his head.
Eren thought where this flexibility could be applied and felt his face heating.
Just then Levi moved into another split, this time his body pressed to one of the legs, and... his hands weren't on the strand!? How the hell was he holding himself up!? Levi was sliding down the strand slowly, and Eren couldn't tear his eyes off.
"Eren?" It was Hanji, but Eren decided to ignore her. "Eren, is that a nosebleed? Are titans even capable of nosebleeds?"
Eren tuned her out.
Levi stopped sliding before he could reach the ground and climbed back up only to let his body fall back, the strand squeezed between his legs. Another twist, and he was pressed to the strand in another split, facing it this time, only a moment later he didn't, because he let himself shift back, like a lever, gripping the strand with both his hands.
Eren felt hot. Too hot. He was sure that there was something wrong with his titan form, but he chose to ignore it for the moment.
Levi was still twisting and spinning, his eyes half closed, until he righted himself one more time, upside down once again. He stopped spinning, and then took one leg off the strand, letting it stay there at a small angle, and then the other, making a slightly bigger angle. It looked like he was walking backwards in the air.
Eren felt his mind shut down.
***
Levi slid off the strand, happy with himself. It had been a very long while, but he found out that he remembered most of his moves, and what his brain didn't remember, his body did. Let Erwin, the smug bastard, choke on his own challenge.
"Levi, move away from Eren!" Hanji screamed, and Levi frowned. He almost forgot that the brat was here, and it was his strand of hardened hair that Levi had been using as a pole.
Levi turned to Eren and his heightened mood dropped. The titan's face was bright red, there was blood dripping from his nose, and steam was coming in steady sprouts out of his ears.
Levi backed away. No matter how he looked at the picture, Eren didn't seem in possession of his faculties. Levi didn't want to attack first, so he made a few more steps back. And just in time, because the steam from Eren's ears hissed dangerously a second before his head exploded, covering everything in blood and goo that was supposed to be titan brains.
"Gross," Levi muttered, wiping the stuff off his face. "Oi, brat!" he called. "You're going to clean it!"
There was no answer, but it was expected. Levi watched as Hanji dragged Eren out of the titan remains.
"Is he okay?" he asked flatly. It wasn't that he wasn't worried, but he couldn't very well show it now, could he?
"Fine, thankfully," Hanji answered. "Now, that was an unexpected reaction!" she announced cheerfully. "Levi, how do you thi--"
"Shut up," he told her as he walked up to Eren.
Eren's eyes were closed, a creepy insane grin on his face, and he was muttering something. Levi leaned down to listen.
"Corporal...," Eren was muttering, and Levi narrowed his eyes. What was the brat going to say about him? "so... sexy...."
Levi felt his face burning, and he kicked Eren in the gut before storming off.
~*~*~
A/N: Initially inspired by this picture, but I just wanted to draw something like that until I decided to watch a couple of Jenyne Butterfly videos for reference. Then I remembered a prompt from SnK kink meme @ Dreamwidth that asked for Levi being from sex industry instead of a regular thug (sorry, I don't remember any more details of the prompt), and that's how this monster came to life ^^"
If you have any problems imagining what Levi is doing, watch this. It's worth it, I promise ^_^
Title: Of Trees and Priorities
Author: kaworu_renritsu
Fandom: Shingeki no Kyojin
Pairing: none
Characters: Eren, Hanji, Levi
Genre: humour, crack
Rating: G
Summary: A scene from Eren's training with Hanji. Hanji should pay better attention to her subjects ^_^
A/N: Copyright for the idea goes to ai_uke, or rather to our spam... I mean, discussion in the comments to this picture.
Wordcount: ~850
"Now, Eren, try picking up that twig," Hanji chirped happily, and Eren sighed.
It wasn't that he minded training all that much or that he didn't want to improve his control over his titan body, but the Squad Leader's experiments were getting more and more bizarre. This time she wanted Eren to pick up and move objects without using his hands.
"That's it, good boy," Hanji cooed as Eren crouched to take the twig out of her hand with his teeth. She petted his nose with a creepily indulgent smile before hopping onto his shoulder. "Now, up we go!" she announced and gave an extra happy hoot making Eren cringe. Did she have to do it so close to his ear?
The next hour was an exercise in self-restraint because every time Hanji chirped or squealed (which was at least every minute) Eren could feel his eardrums vibrating painfully, and in the end he just couldn't take it anymore. He chose a moment when Hanji was making a happy dance on his shoulder, arms flying in all directions and her jacket riding up, and in one swift movement squeezed the body of her 3D Manoeuvre Gear between his teeth.
"Eren, what are you doing!?" Hanji shrieked dangling from his mouth like a mouse caught by a cat.
Eren uttered a few very 'intelligent' groans desperately trying to explain.
"You're so cute when you whine!" Hanji cooed.
What!? He wasn't whining! Eren sputtered inwardly.
"But I didn't understand a thing," Hanji finished with a giggle.
Eren sighed.
"Now, now," Hanji said reaching out to pat his chin. "Just for this you can use your hands."
Eren nodded, feeling partially guilty and partially delighted when Hanji yelped at being shaken. Then he pointed at his ear and uttered a sound that even he himself couldn't deny sounded like a whine.
"Did I hurt you!?" Hanji shrieked incredulously, and Eren answered with another pitiful sound. "Poor Eren, I'm so sorry," Hanji cooed scratching underneath his chin. "Still, does sound hurt titans? Incredible! I'll have to experiment on that."
Eren groaned at the thought.
"Alright, alright, I won't," Hanji placated with a laugh then muttered something that sounded suspiciously like 'for now'.
Eren shuddered.
"What are you doing, shitty glasses?" sounded from below, and Eren looked down to see Corporal Levi at his feel, full equipment and sour expression in place.
"Ah, Levi!" Hanji greeted happily waving at the Corporal. "As you can see, we're training."
"Doesn't seem that way to me," Levi answered with a scowl. "Eren!"
Eren moved into parade stance, cringing when Hanji gave a particularly loud whoop at the sudden movement.
The corner of Levi's mouth shifted before he continued. "There's a boulder that has to be moved. Come with me, that's an order."
"But we haven't finished!" Hanji protested, but Levi just glared in her general direction.
"Don't make we repeat myself," he told Eren with narrowed eyes and turned to walk in the direction of the castle. "And leave that thing somewhere," he threw over his shoulder.
"That's rude!" Hanji screamed after him and Eren couldn't disagree. Still, orders were orders, especially from the Corporal.
Eren looked around until he saw a thick branch conveniently close to his height. He manoeuvred until he could hang Hanji on it by the straps on her back, still careful about her order not to use his hands. When he was satisfied that she wouldn't fall off the second he moved away, he turned and ran after the Corporal, catching up in a couple of strides and then slowing down to match his pace.
***
Hanji sighed happily as she watched Eren's retreating back. True, they didn't finish their training, but she'd made a very interesting discovery about Eren being possibly sensitive to sounds, so all in all she couldn't complain about her day. She couldn't wait to finish her notes back at the castle.
"Right, let's get off from here," she said and pulled the trigger on her operating device. Nothing happened. Hanji tried a few more times, but the result was still the same.
With a sigh Hanji wriggled until she could see the actual body of the gear, and the sight made her gulp. There was a large tooth mark right in the middle of it. Which would explain why the Gear wouldn't start. And also meant that she was stuck in the tree.
Hanji looked down, trying to see if she could take a controlled fall with the use of lower branches, but the almost bare trunk didn't look very promising. Then she looked in the direction Eren and Levi had gone, but they were already out of sight. Still, maybe if they haven't gone too far away....
***
Eren stopped to look around. He was sure he'd heard someone calling him....
"What is it?" Levi asked.
Eren gestured, explaining.
"You think you heard someone?" Levi confirmed.
Eren nodded.
"Ignore it," Levi said, and Eren was almost sure that the Corporal was smirking.
What could it have been? Eren took another second to think but then shrugged and continued on his way.
Title: Bathing Day... It Is Not
Author: kaworu_renritsu
Fandom: Shingeki no Kyojin
Pairing: pre-Eren x Levi if you squint
Characters: Eren, Hanji, Levi, Mikasa
Genre: humour, crack
Rating: G
Summary: Another training session, and another problem Eren has to face. Who will protect him from his superiors' wrath?
A/N: There's a hint of pre-Eren x Levi if you squint (that will probably get me killed. Sorry, Vega ^^")
Copyright for the idea goes to ai_uke, or rather to our spam... I mean, discussion in the comments to this picture.
Wordcount: ~1200
It was another training session with Hanji, and this time Eren was actually having fun. They were working on his agility, so most of the time he was running or rolling on the ground, evading the obstacles Hanji had prepared for him.
"Alright, Eren, that's very good," Hanji shouted from her standing point some distance away. "Now come here, I want to try something else."
Eren did as he was told, stopping in front of Hanji, panting slightly from all of the exercise.
"You're improving a lot," Hanji told him with a smile. "But there's still a lot you have to learn."
Eren nodded in agreement.
"And still a lot more I want to learn about you," Hanji continued.
Eren gave her another nod, much less confident this time.
"Don't be scared," Hanji laughed. "I won't hurt you. ...irreparably," she added as an afterthought, and Eren was ready to bolt from the words combined with Hanji's radiant grin. "Now, now." She held out a hand, probably in an attempt to calm him, but Eren didn't feel reassured at all. "I'm thinking of something even more fun for the rest of the training. Are you interested, Eren?"
Eren shifted from foot to foot nervously.
"I know you're interested," Hanji continued in her trademark enthusiastic manner. "Imagine you're in a battlefield. Can you do that?"
Eren nodded. This much was easy. That was why he was training in the first place, right?
"Now. You're never alone there. Or at least you shouldn't be. So you're fighting alongside someone."
Eren nodded again.
"So how would you interact with them?" Hanji asked with a huge grin, and Eren frowned.
For all of his bravado about killing titans he couldn't see himself as part of a team, at least not in his titan form. How was he supposed to interact with the others without hurting them? It was one thing to protect someone -- he knew he would do it, proved it with Mikasa and Armin -- but when his primary goal was to fight...? The only two people he could imagine keeping up with him were Mikasa and--
"Oi! Levi!"
Eren snapped out of his thoughts at Hanji's yell.
"I know you're hiding there, so come out and help us!"
Levi materialised from behind a tree, his usual scowl in place.
"You heard everything, right?" Hanji chirped happily. "So let Eren carry you while he's doing the obstacle course!"
"Are you out of your mind, shitty glasses? As if I'd let him touch me."
Eren sighed disappointed. Of course the Corporal wouldn't want to touch a monster like him.
"Hey, Levi! You're hurting Eren's feelings," Hanji said, hands on her hips. "At least try to be nice from time to time."
Levi hmph'ed, looking uncomfortable. "Who'd care about a shitty brat's feelings?" he muttered. "And he should know that I'd never touch anything covered in mud unless absolutely necessary. Right, Eren?" Levi looked at him, and Eren nearly dropped his jaw.
Was it just him, or was Corporal Levi, humanity's strongest soldier, actually blushing? No, it was impossible. Eren shook his head to clear the illusion.
"So what, you think I'd--"
"Alright then!" Hanji interrupted Levi's oncoming tirade. "All we have to do is clean Eren, right?"
For some reason Eren didn't like the gleam in Hanji's eyes.
"I was going to test water's effects on titans anyway, so why not kill two birds with one stone, hmm? What do you say, Eren?"
Eren looked from Hanji's almost ecstatic grin to Levi who was already rolling up his sleeves, his scowl darker than usual. The sight made Eren shiver, and he felt his brain slowly shutting down, transferring all control to instincts.
"Now, Eren, it won't be so bad," Hanji cooed.
"Not bad at all," Levi growled, glaring at Eren with killing intent.
Eren did the first thing that came to mind. He arched his back and hissed, and then he bolted.
Running felt good, tree branches brushing against his skin and wind hitting his face, and after some time Eren felt his head clearing. He stopped, mortified. Not only had he disobeyed a direct order from two of his superiors (well, it wasn't exactly an order, but still), he also ran away. What was he going to do now? He was sure that Levi would kill him as soon as he could get his hands on him, and Eren really didn't want to die. Sighing he plodded through the forest, head hung low, until a sound caught his attention. A swishing sound of 3D Manoeuvre Gear.
Eren mentally gave himself a kick. Of course they were going to follow him! They couldn't just leave a titan roaming free, could they? Eren intended to stay still and meet his fate with dignity, he really did, but his legs apparently had other ideas.
He ran again, the sounds of pursuing closer and closer until he could clearly hear Hanji's screams for him to stop. Eren made a few random turns to throw his superiors off, or maybe not so random because he ended up on a clearing where the new recruits were training.
The young soldiers flew in all directions, some actually screamed, and only one figure stayed still. Eren ran to the familiar red scarf, and then crouched behind Mikasa, trying to make himself as small as possible. A giggle sounded from Eren's side, unmistakably Armin's, but it died out when Hanji and Levi landed in front of them.
"Hey, shitty brat," Levi said with a glare that could make titans wet themselves. "Care to explain what that was about?"
Eren shivered, lowering his head to the ground so that it was behind Mikasa's back.
"What are you trying to do to Eren?" Mikasa asked, moving so that she could cover Eren better, as futile as it was with their difference in proportions.
"Back off, Ackerman," Levi answered with obvious threat in his voice.
Mikasa didn't move an inch.
"We're not going to hurt him." It was Hanji this time, her arms opened in an attempt to look less threatening. "We're just trying to wash him."
"Huh?" Mikasa's voice sounded surprised, and her stance slackened for a second before she tensed again. "Doesn't look like he wants to get washed," she said.
"Watch it, girl! Is this any way to talk to your superiors." Apparently their instructor recovered from the shock. Auruo, was it? Eren glared at him, and the man shut up with an audible gulp.
"Are you sure you want to take me on?" Levi again. His voice was low and dangerous, and Eren stared at the ground so he wouldn't have to look at his superior's face.
"With all due respect, sir." Mikasa spat the last word out as if it tasted sour. "I don't think Eren is in any shape to do anything at the moment."
"Hmph. Do as you wish. Let's go, shitty glasses."
The sound of footsteps, and then Mikasa's hand was on his nose. Eren raised his eyes to look at her.
"Are you alright, Eren," she asked, looking into his eyes.
Eren nodded.
"Good. If that midget tries anything again, come to me, I'll drive him off."
Eren shifted nervously. Somehow he had mixed feelings about this, and now he was also worried about both his and Mikasa's wellbeing, especially during sleep.
Title: Of Hidden Pasts and Unexpected Reactions
Author: kaworu_renritsu
Fandom: Shingeki no Kyojin
Pairing: pre-Eren x Levi
Characters: Eren, Hanji, Levi, Erwin
Genre: humour, crack
Rating: G
Summary: Another training session with Hanji, and this time some surprising facts come out about one of the characters' past. Reactions vary and substances fly.
Set supposedly after the current arc of manga, but there are no real spoilers.
Wordcount: ~1900
As soon as Eren was back and fit for duty, Hanji wanted him to train. Figured. He sighed and dragged himself to the clearing where they were supposed to meet.
"Hey, Eren!" Hanji greeted him cheerfully. "How are you feeling?"
Eren opened his mouth to answer, but Hanji was already talking again.
"It's so good to have you back. You have no idea how bo-- I mean, lonely it was without you! I can't wait to continue with our experiments. What about you, Eren? Did you miss me, too?"
This time Eren didn't even bother trying to answer.
"Shitty glasses, he'll go deaf from your constant blabbering."
As soon as Eren heard Levi's voice, he turned to face his commanding officer immediately going into parade stance.
"Good morning, sir! Erm, sirs," Eren corrected when he saw Commander Erwin closely behind Levi.
"At ease," Levi told him.
Eren relaxed and watched Levi closely as Hanji and Erwin exchanged greetings. Levi was in his uniform, already recovered from his wound. Or at least that was what he told everyone, but Eren wasn't sure if he was convinced. Levi's gait seemed a little off to him.
"What are you staring at, brat?" Levi asked, and his tone was neutral enough.
"Sorry, sir," Eren answered. "I'm glad you're fine again."
"Not that it's any of your business," Levi muttered, turning away.
Eren bit his lip to keep from smiling.
"So, sir, why are you here today?" Hanji was asking Erwin, and Eren turned to look at them, curious.
"Nothing you have to worry about," Erwin told her. "I just want to see how far you've gotten with Eren."
"You have no idea, sir!" Hanji announced happily. "We've done so much so far, and today I was going to work on Eren's ability to harden parts of himself. Are you interested? I can tell you all of my theories."
"I think I'll better watch," Erwin replied with a small smile.
"As you wish, sir. Now then, Eren. Are you ready to transform?"
"Yes, ma'am!" Eren answered and dutifully bit onto his hand before he could get too nervous from so many superiors watching him.
His senses shifted as he transformed. It wasn't as shocking as it had once been, but still the feeling wasn't exactly pleasant. As soon as the steam cleared, Eren looked around, getting used to the new perspective.
"It looks easier now, doesn't it?" Erwin's voice sounded from below.
Eren looked down to see the others gathered around his feet.
"Yes, it does. I think...."
"Oi, brat."
Eren tuned Hanji out as soon as he heard Levi's voice.
"Get down here, I don't want to break my neck looking up at you."
Eren carefully lowered himself onto his hands and knees, and then even further down until his chin was almost touching the ground.
"That's better," Levi told him.
"Thank you for ordering my subject around," Hanji intervened with obvious sarcasm. "Now step aside, I have experiments to do."
Levi huffed but walked away a few steps, stopping with his arms folded on his chest.
"Now, Eren." Hanji was standing in front of him, a notebook in her hand. "Let's start with something small. Say, a strand of hair."
Eren nodded. He separated a small strand of hair from the rest and held it between two fingers so that it dangled in front of his face. Then he concentrated, trying to harden it.
After a minute Hanji poked the strand with her pen, and it shifted easily.
"Hmm, doesn't seem to work," she commented. "Eren, are you concentrating enough?"
Eren nodded.
"Make that happen, brat. That's an order," Levi's voice told him from the side, and Eren wanted to sigh. Easy for him to say.
An hour later he was able to cover the strand of hair with a thin layer of crystalline substance that shuttered easily when Hanji touched it with her pen.
"I'm fucking tired of this," Levi grumbled from his standing point. "Listen, Eren. If you don't do something very soon, I'm declaring this shitty experiment a failure, cutting you out, and you'll spend the next month cleaning the toilets."
"Oi!" Hanji protested at the same time as Erwin said "Now, now, Levi. You can't rush these things."
Levi huffed, and Eren was sure that no matter what Commander Erwin thought, Levi would find a way to make Eren clean the toilets for the rest of his life. He squeezed his eyes, trying not to think of his bleak future, but a moment later had to open them again at Hanji's happy squeal.
"Eren! You did it!" she yelled.
He blinked a few times before looking at the strand of hair between his fingers. He shook it a bit, but it remained straight.
"Now let's see how strong it is."
"Here, let me," Levi said as he walked towards Eren.
Eren didn't even have time to blink before Levi jumped and kicked the strand with all his might.
The strand stood still.
"Hmm," Levi commented, his tone mildly approving.
Eren sighed in relief. Apparently his toilet duty was off.
"I wonder if the structure is consistent throughout the strand," Hanji said, making a few notes. "Levi, could you climb up to check?"
"Why the fuck should I take part in your experiment," Levi retorted with a glare.
"Because you're already here and you seem bored," Hanji returned.
Levi tsk'ed but still climbed up the strand, and Eren's eyes nearly crossed as he tried watch the Corporal. Levi knocked on the strand from time to time then hit and kicked it in several places.
"Consistent," he announced before sliding down.
"Good, good." Hanji scribbled in her notebook. "Now let's see how long Eren can keep it up."
Eren sighed. He should have anticipated something like that.
"And what am I supposed to do in the meantime!?" Levi demanded.
"Whatever you want," Hanji replied. "You're not part of the experiment."
Levi opened his mouth to retort, but before he could say anything, Erwin started talking.
"You could remember the old days," he said. "It's been a while since I've seen you in that kind of action."
Eren frowned, confused. What was Erwin talking about?
"And why would I do that?" Levi asked. "If you want a show, go somewhere else."
Eren looked at Hanji, but she seemed just as clueless.
"I won't deny that I want to see it," Erwin continued, "but haven't you once said that it took a lot more strength and agility than it looked? Or do you think you're not up for the task? Which would be completely understandable, of course - you've had no practice for years, and you have just recovered from an injury."
Levi scowled at the very obvious challenge.
"Not that it's any of your business, but I had enough practice. 3D Manoeuvre Gear requires about the same skills." He narrowed his eyes at Erwin. "Ah, well," he added, sounding pointedly indifferent. "Might as well warm up while I'm here."
Levi put a hand on the strand almost lazily, sliding it up until it was well above his head, and then spun around the strand. His other hand also came up, gripping the strand, and Levi lifted himself up, still spinning, his legs going into a split midair.
Eren's jaw dropped. And by the sound of it, so did Hanji's.
Levi continued spinning, twisting until only one of his hands was gripping the strand, his other hand holding one of his legs so that they were parallel to the strand. Did gravity apply to him at all?, Eren thought.
Another twist, and Levi was spinning upside down, one leg curled around the strand while the rest of his body moved slowly until it was at the ninety degree angle to the leg that was still gripping the strand.
"Holy cow," Eren heard Hanji muttering, and he couldn't agree more.
But Levi obviously wasn't finished. After righting himself he climbed higher on the strand, still upside down, and then, holding himself only by his hands, bent backwards until his feet were nearly touching his head.
Eren thought where this flexibility could be applied and felt his face heating.
Just then Levi moved into another split, this time his body pressed to one of the legs, and... his hands weren't on the strand!? How the hell was he holding himself up!? Levi was sliding down the strand slowly, and Eren couldn't tear his eyes off.
"Eren?" It was Hanji, but Eren decided to ignore her. "Eren, is that a nosebleed? Are titans even capable of nosebleeds?"
Eren tuned her out.
Levi stopped sliding before he could reach the ground and climbed back up only to let his body fall back, the strand squeezed between his legs. Another twist, and he was pressed to the strand in another split, facing it this time, only a moment later he didn't, because he let himself shift back, like a lever, gripping the strand with both his hands.
Eren felt hot. Too hot. He was sure that there was something wrong with his titan form, but he chose to ignore it for the moment.
Levi was still twisting and spinning, his eyes half closed, until he righted himself one more time, upside down once again. He stopped spinning, and then took one leg off the strand, letting it stay there at a small angle, and then the other, making a slightly bigger angle. It looked like he was walking backwards in the air.
Eren felt his mind shut down.
***
Levi slid off the strand, happy with himself. It had been a very long while, but he found out that he remembered most of his moves, and what his brain didn't remember, his body did. Let Erwin, the smug bastard, choke on his own challenge.
"Levi, move away from Eren!" Hanji screamed, and Levi frowned. He almost forgot that the brat was here, and it was his strand of hardened hair that Levi had been using as a pole.
Levi turned to Eren and his heightened mood dropped. The titan's face was bright red, there was blood dripping from his nose, and steam was coming in steady sprouts out of his ears.
Levi backed away. No matter how he looked at the picture, Eren didn't seem in possession of his faculties. Levi didn't want to attack first, so he made a few more steps back. And just in time, because the steam from Eren's ears hissed dangerously a second before his head exploded, covering everything in blood and goo that was supposed to be titan brains.
"Gross," Levi muttered, wiping the stuff off his face. "Oi, brat!" he called. "You're going to clean it!"
There was no answer, but it was expected. Levi watched as Hanji dragged Eren out of the titan remains.
"Is he okay?" he asked flatly. It wasn't that he wasn't worried, but he couldn't very well show it now, could he?
"Fine, thankfully," Hanji answered. "Now, that was an unexpected reaction!" she announced cheerfully. "Levi, how do you thi--"
"Shut up," he told her as he walked up to Eren.
Eren's eyes were closed, a creepy insane grin on his face, and he was muttering something. Levi leaned down to listen.
"Corporal...," Eren was muttering, and Levi narrowed his eyes. What was the brat going to say about him? "so... sexy...."
Levi felt his face burning, and he kicked Eren in the gut before storming off.
~*~*~
A/N: Initially inspired by this picture, but I just wanted to draw something like that until I decided to watch a couple of Jenyne Butterfly videos for reference. Then I remembered a prompt from SnK kink meme @ Dreamwidth that asked for Levi being from sex industry instead of a regular thug (sorry, I don't remember any more details of the prompt), and that's how this monster came to life ^^"
If you have any problems imagining what Levi is doing, watch this. It's worth it, I promise ^_^