Dec 27, 2006 11:35
What is this place that I am in? This place that feels so familiar? I could live it with my eyes closed now. It is like a sluggish dream where timely events occur-clocks, cats, bills, books, computers and then more clocks. I peel this orange that my grandmother gave me. I tucked it away in my backpack but forgot to eat it on the plane. I inhale it. The smell is all I have left of Christmas morning and my sister's smile. I can't figure out where I belong. What is love and what is family? What is loneliness and what is success? Where will I be in 3 years and where will they be? Who will love me then and who loves me now?
My father's tears are hard to wash off. His hands were pressed against the back of my coat when kept repeating..."I pray for you I pray for you" All I could do was leave him red eyed and flushed. I feel like I have left them all broken hearted and myself broken too. The guilt and sadness was impossible to shake last night as I lay alone in the dark. I skimmed through photos on my camera of soft hair and twinkling lights. Such beauty that no one here will ever see or realize or grasp or understand or reach. How did I ever take it all for granted? Home. Louisville. Home.
family,
holidays