The Story That Was Never Spoken.

[kawaiji]

Eiji And Simone, Simone And Eiji. what else can people say? they seen us through our fights, they seen us through everything. what else could they have seen. there was happy times and there was sad times. for me i say mostly sad cause it was a war i fought but in the end i lost. maybe i tried to hard? maybe i tried to little. if i could only be what she wants instead of just a add on. i want this pain in my heart to stop, she means the world to me and i'll never be afraid to admit that. when it comes to me and her there is nothing that i wouldn't do for her, no matter what. she is the one thing that could always make me rethink everything. i use to have a plan for everything, i use to be able to just think of things on a whim. there was nothing i couldn't do, i had answers for just about all questions. but now i'm stumbling over little things, life has taken the wrong turn for me, all i want to do is move forward but with each step i take instead of progressing i'm falling backward at a alarming rate.

Jealousy plays a role in my life i know that, i can admit that. i am wrong alot, not just sometimes. and apparently because of my own decisions i'm going to die alone. ha, such a thing to say? it can't be helped especially if the only person i have eyes for probably hates me to death now. yea she made out with some guy she met online from the bronx, but i also messed with a grrl as well. since we're not together we both have no jurisdictions over each other i shouldn't even be asking about anything. how have i come to be so possesive? how is it i have made such a fatal error? obviously from the way it looks there's no turning back. only a miracle can save what i have destroyed. i even talked of killing myself but in the end i just killed all my hopes of what i wanted to achieve. i would pull out whatever stops i could for her. anything i could think of for her, but in the end i pulled the floor right out from under my feet. i am falling now, deeper into my own insanity. she broke the necklace i had given her and tossed it to the ground. i took the necklace she had given me off but i didn't do anything besides put it back in my pocket. i think she thinks i threw it.

If i could do anything it would have to be to redo that whole battle over, if could take back the things that where said by both parties. i wish i never had done anything. i feel like i dont want to live. it feels as if there's so much that was just taken away from me. now i just sit here wondering what to do next, normally i know but now i'm lost, completely heartbroken. the laughter the talk from the other room, resonating around. i can't take this, i truly want to kill myself. i never thought like this a day in my life. i want to just end it all, i need to be in a corner, or something. yea suicide is the cowards way out, but with pain like this i feel like i am dead allready. i'm not gonna force her to do anything. i completely lost all my cards. now it's her turn there's nothing i can do, i'm so helpless. a position no one wants to be in. even so my music wont drown out what's going on around me. i think i need a eternal break from life. when a piece of your heart is just ripped out from you it's not something that makes you bleed it's something that you really feel and can have the worst effects on your life ever.

i hate myself and my life i wish i was never born, i wish i could stop my mom from ever concieving me. imagine how everyones life would be without me being around, i'm sure people would be better off. this is so hard for me to cope and understand. what am i going to do... why isn't there something i could just read or someone to tell me what i should be doing? apparently i'm the worst at making my own decisions.