that whole construct of my life is collapsing right now.
i haven't written in a really long time. i don't know why. there is so much crap i need to get out that's been itching at my fingertips for such a long time now. but i think there's only so much mind dump i can handle at one time, and it comes in either a journal entry, a poem, or prose. and everything but this is constipating right now. ._.
so stephanie, how are you?
i've come to the conclusion that when people ask how you are, they really don't want to hear an answer other than 'fine' or 'great' or 'good.' it's too hard to care nowadays, when we're all rushing down the hallway with plastic smiles pasted to our faces and minds intent on that last test we just failed. or where we're going to college (and i am so sick of that word right now).
i've taken to automatically giving that machine-made answer, especially when people say (really loudly) "ARE YOU OKAY?" in front of everyone. of course i won't tell you the truth if you do that. if i'm upset, i don't want everyone to know. i'd rather you just come up and ask me quietly. or just--come sit with me and be there for me. that i appreciate the most, even if it doesn't look like it. just a physical reminder that someone cares.
but yeah--on to the real mind-dump.
i feel so--trapped.
this whole year i've felt reality sinking its jaws into me.
a change is coming. be prepared.
it wasn't just her fortune cookie, it's mine, as well.
i'm out of sync with the world.
i'm retreating back into my doormat personality. as a person, i feel like i'm shrinking and fading away, but physically, i'm doing the opposite. i'm afraid to check the scale. holidays, allstate, guatemala, dessert, austria--bad, bad combination of things. i don't want to know what i weigh right now, but i'm willing to bet i've gained at least ten pounds. and it is not me obsessing. people who obsess--well, anyway. to have achieved something and feel it slipping out of my grasp is so heartbreaking. and being able to fit into pretty clothes is something i've wanted to do since third grade.
the simple answer is to a)stop caring, or b) stop eating (as much, anyway). but i can't stop caring, because i look in the mirror and all i see is fat, fat, fat. obesity. water balloons strapped to a skeleton, i don't know...but i am so sick of my reflection and my face.
and i can't stop eating. i don't mean in the eating disorder way, because i couldn't do that either, but i just can't stop myself from reaching for that extra piece of cookie or chicken or dessert. i know i shouldn't do that, but i can't stop myself. and it's not even because i'm hungry. my addiction to food is because of the way it tastes. if they could invent a taste spray, i'd be perfectly happy with that. but as it is, i'm screwed.
i've realized that no one really talks to me unless i try. it always has to be me. but i've changed from that person...why can't i be the person who people talk to first? why do i always have to be that person who tries?
i have no friends anymore. these days, i walk into school and i feel so alone. at lunch, i take out my book and my beethoven and brahms and barber and drown myself in music because no one is really interested. and because i'm a picky, stupid person, there are people who do talk to me who receive only monosyllabic answers. and i'm sorry, i am, i wish it could be different. it is not fair that we should all fall apart on the home stretch.
there is really only one person i see on a regular basis who understands me at all. and she's going away to new york. what am i going to do?
go to new york?
...what am i going to do in new york?
and austria. oh, what to say about austria? i want to go with close friends, people who would rather be with me than with other people. it started out fun, but in the end i feel like everyone abandoned me for other people on that trip--i'm falling behind the world. it's leaving me behind. austria was beautiful, but--by the end of the trip, 75% of those people were grinding my nerves to shreds, and there was at least one thing i couldn't stand about 90% of them.
bad things:
today while napping, i had the most frightening dream i've ever had. it had a lot to do with orchestra trips, haunted hotels, possessed orchestra students, and elevator trips of doom. and yeah, my mom died. while i have had dreams in which my mom and sister have more or less died (trapped in a church full of vampires, anyone?), i've never actually seen anyone shoot my mom at the base of her neck like i did in this dream. it was absolutely horrifying. i woke up sobbing.
my grandfather died on tuesday. so not only is my mom really hurting right now, she and my dad are going back to taiwan and won't be able to be here on my birthday. granted, it's not that big of a deal when you consider that at least they're alive and all, but it still hurts on top of all of this other stuff. and my sister will be in athens, so nobody will be here. except jenny, because she is amazing.
random people don't like me. in fact, i have a sneaking suspicion they might really hate me. and it really bothers me because i don't think i've done anything to make them hate me. >_< i know it's silly, but these are the people i really want to like me. ._.a
i would feel a lot better about going to uga if it had a good music program. i don't think i'm cut out to be a major. but i want, i really want to play in orchestra and chamber music. i want to find that perfect teacher i've never had, the one who will motivate me as i never have been. and i'm not going to find that at uga. i love the campus, the school seems great--but there is no music there for me.. i don't know what to do about that.
i'm so tired of losing this year. i feel as though i've lost at everything i've tried. i'm going to the college i swore i wouldn't go to, i lost a once-best friend, i lost all my friends but the best of the best, i lost competitions, i even lost something that was practically guaranteed from freshman year. i lost a boy, even though i never had him.
and i'm tired of settling for things that are never enough to satisfy me. even prom. i love stephen upshaw, but--selfish idiot i am, i wanted someone who cared. i wanted someone who actually wanted to be with me, where there was at least a possibility--which is probably why i tried on something that was stupid and ill thought-of in the first place. i was grasping at something, anything that might band-aid me..
what happened? wasn't this supposed to be my year? it wasn't supposed to be this way. what was it all for, if it didn't work out? you were supposed to care, you and i weren't supposed to part for another year, and i was supposed to be able to do something i really love next year. what happened?
i've seen a few people who seem to have had that perfect year i thought i'd have. why didn't it happen to me? why am i not good enough for anything?
::sigh::
i fail at life.
i don't think i'm done. but now i'm too tired to finish. -_-;
so stephanie, how are you?
i've come to the conclusion that when people ask how you are, they really don't want to hear an answer other than 'fine' or 'great' or 'good.' it's too hard to care nowadays, when we're all rushing down the hallway with plastic smiles pasted to our faces and minds intent on that last test we just failed. or where we're going to college (and i am so sick of that word right now).
i've taken to automatically giving that machine-made answer, especially when people say (really loudly) "ARE YOU OKAY?" in front of everyone. of course i won't tell you the truth if you do that. if i'm upset, i don't want everyone to know. i'd rather you just come up and ask me quietly. or just--come sit with me and be there for me. that i appreciate the most, even if it doesn't look like it. just a physical reminder that someone cares.
but yeah--on to the real mind-dump.
i feel so--trapped.
this whole year i've felt reality sinking its jaws into me.
a change is coming. be prepared.
it wasn't just her fortune cookie, it's mine, as well.
i'm out of sync with the world.
i'm retreating back into my doormat personality. as a person, i feel like i'm shrinking and fading away, but physically, i'm doing the opposite. i'm afraid to check the scale. holidays, allstate, guatemala, dessert, austria--bad, bad combination of things. i don't want to know what i weigh right now, but i'm willing to bet i've gained at least ten pounds. and it is not me obsessing. people who obsess--well, anyway. to have achieved something and feel it slipping out of my grasp is so heartbreaking. and being able to fit into pretty clothes is something i've wanted to do since third grade.
the simple answer is to a)stop caring, or b) stop eating (as much, anyway). but i can't stop caring, because i look in the mirror and all i see is fat, fat, fat. obesity. water balloons strapped to a skeleton, i don't know...but i am so sick of my reflection and my face.
and i can't stop eating. i don't mean in the eating disorder way, because i couldn't do that either, but i just can't stop myself from reaching for that extra piece of cookie or chicken or dessert. i know i shouldn't do that, but i can't stop myself. and it's not even because i'm hungry. my addiction to food is because of the way it tastes. if they could invent a taste spray, i'd be perfectly happy with that. but as it is, i'm screwed.
i've realized that no one really talks to me unless i try. it always has to be me. but i've changed from that person...why can't i be the person who people talk to first? why do i always have to be that person who tries?
i have no friends anymore. these days, i walk into school and i feel so alone. at lunch, i take out my book and my beethoven and brahms and barber and drown myself in music because no one is really interested. and because i'm a picky, stupid person, there are people who do talk to me who receive only monosyllabic answers. and i'm sorry, i am, i wish it could be different. it is not fair that we should all fall apart on the home stretch.
there is really only one person i see on a regular basis who understands me at all. and she's going away to new york. what am i going to do?
go to new york?
...what am i going to do in new york?
and austria. oh, what to say about austria? i want to go with close friends, people who would rather be with me than with other people. it started out fun, but in the end i feel like everyone abandoned me for other people on that trip--i'm falling behind the world. it's leaving me behind. austria was beautiful, but--by the end of the trip, 75% of those people were grinding my nerves to shreds, and there was at least one thing i couldn't stand about 90% of them.
bad things:
today while napping, i had the most frightening dream i've ever had. it had a lot to do with orchestra trips, haunted hotels, possessed orchestra students, and elevator trips of doom. and yeah, my mom died. while i have had dreams in which my mom and sister have more or less died (trapped in a church full of vampires, anyone?), i've never actually seen anyone shoot my mom at the base of her neck like i did in this dream. it was absolutely horrifying. i woke up sobbing.
my grandfather died on tuesday. so not only is my mom really hurting right now, she and my dad are going back to taiwan and won't be able to be here on my birthday. granted, it's not that big of a deal when you consider that at least they're alive and all, but it still hurts on top of all of this other stuff. and my sister will be in athens, so nobody will be here. except jenny, because she is amazing.
random people don't like me. in fact, i have a sneaking suspicion they might really hate me. and it really bothers me because i don't think i've done anything to make them hate me. >_< i know it's silly, but these are the people i really want to like me. ._.a
i would feel a lot better about going to uga if it had a good music program. i don't think i'm cut out to be a major. but i want, i really want to play in orchestra and chamber music. i want to find that perfect teacher i've never had, the one who will motivate me as i never have been. and i'm not going to find that at uga. i love the campus, the school seems great--but there is no music there for me.. i don't know what to do about that.
i'm so tired of losing this year. i feel as though i've lost at everything i've tried. i'm going to the college i swore i wouldn't go to, i lost a once-best friend, i lost all my friends but the best of the best, i lost competitions, i even lost something that was practically guaranteed from freshman year. i lost a boy, even though i never had him.
and i'm tired of settling for things that are never enough to satisfy me. even prom. i love stephen upshaw, but--selfish idiot i am, i wanted someone who cared. i wanted someone who actually wanted to be with me, where there was at least a possibility--which is probably why i tried on something that was stupid and ill thought-of in the first place. i was grasping at something, anything that might band-aid me..
what happened? wasn't this supposed to be my year? it wasn't supposed to be this way. what was it all for, if it didn't work out? you were supposed to care, you and i weren't supposed to part for another year, and i was supposed to be able to do something i really love next year. what happened?
i've seen a few people who seem to have had that perfect year i thought i'd have. why didn't it happen to me? why am i not good enough for anything?
::sigh::
i fail at life.
i don't think i'm done. but now i'm too tired to finish. -_-;