.......
Well, today i'm pretty fucking sad. Maybe i'm selfish or really jealous, I don't know.
I just hate the fact of being outcasted, I was never one to be included in things and well.. I always wanted to be. I thought I had found a place to be included and at this point I really hope i'm not wrong but from the looks of it, if your gone for more then one day you must've been forgotten.
I mean honestly,
I don't think i've felt this way in awhile, since maybe high school and that was 3 years ago... Sometimes words feel better then silence. I don't know...
Maybe i'm not that likeable or just annoying, I have no clue. I probably won't ever know because no one ever seems to tell me the truth. I only wish that people would tell me how they truly feel about me. Yes it would hurt but i'd rather know the truth then to stand there with whispers around me and fake smiles.
Is it just me..?
All this time...?
Am I concocting some ludicrous idea in my mind..?
I don't know, maybe i'm overreacting... I have a tendancy to do so sometimes, it's in my nature...
I've been THIS way for as long as I remember... I don't know how to change myself or my behaviour as much as I have tried.
I think everyone or at least some went through High School with some sort of feeling. Either happiness, excitedness, or just plain exuberance.
I came out of High School with a sour disposition on the world and especially a sour disposition on myself. I feel that I am the most ugliest girl there ever was. People say "Oh Li, your just saying that for attention, just to get people to say you look good." Which is totally untrue. So many people say I do look good but all I can say is No, but thank you.
All thanks to people who were so nice to me, not just in High School but in Elementary school as well and also some people on the internet, basically on online games I used to play. They all used to say I was hideous and ugly and most of them were people I looked up to or wanted to at least be friends with. It all boils down to Li has a complex now, one in which she can't or may not ever get rid of. As much as i've tried to get rid of it, it won't go away.
-sigh-
I know, I know everyone says that school was cruel and we were all just kids then, but no! There's no excuse for the things we say to people. Words and actions are two strong devices, which can be used for good or to just absolutely crush someone. From my experience, they have done the latter.
My boyfriend tries to tell me that i'm so intelligent and funny and beautiful, so many of my friends on the forum tell me that I look beautiful, and I thank them all but for some reason I still don't see myself as beautiful.
So everyone in High School and Elementary have won. They truly have. I can only pray I can get rid of this...
Oh... And BTW.... I'm very sick. D: I have a terrible cold and I believe a bad case of the stomach flu.
So this rant might be the cause of some serious deliusions, please... excuse me...