(no subject)
- I have gained a lot of weight. i want to lose it. yea, i'm healthy, but im not happy. fuck off.
- i feel like a hobo. I have no ID, no money, no car.
my id = Me existing. my car = My solace, my escape. I could go anywhere.
because i have no car, i can't go anywhere. and because i have no money i cant go anywhere. because I can't pay bus fare, i cant pay for a cab, etc.
- I've gotten rid of almost all my clothes to Goodwill. i need new clothes because i gained so much weight, but i have no money to buy new clothes.
- This house is NOT my fucking home, no matter what i do to it.
- I'm depressed. I am completely, and utterly alone. my dad and sharon are in their own little world of renovations and wedding preparations.
I feel lazy. but I'm too tired and too weak to do anything because the thought of food makes me want to puke, so i can't eat.
I'm crying all the time.
I want to put my fist through someone's face. mainly the asshat that stole my car.
- Nothing is being done about my car. It got stolen, nothing is happening.
- I can't go visit anyone, I cant get there. I live halfway between the north end and stoney creek and to see ANYONE i have to travel. no car. no money for bus. again.
- No one can come visit me. dad and sharon are "renovating". so they laid down a no visitors rule. Fuck you dad, and fuck you sharon. no one my age gives a flying shit what our house looks like.
- My birthday is in a little over a week. woop de fucking do. I have no money to buy drinks even though im turning 19, I have no ID to prove im 19. I havnt gotten any cards in the mail from family like i usually do.
- I could die up here and i really wouldnt fucking CARE.
- i need a haircut. its disgusting how my hair looks. but i have no money.
- I need to dye my hair, my roots and general colour makes me want to puke. I have no money for dye or to get it dyed.
- I am all the fuck alone. some suppressed memories came up recently. I used to be a compulsive liar when i was little. until like 12 or something like that. I used to get the soap in the mouth, the belt, etc because of it. And in order to cure it, my parents used solitary confinement.
you wonder why the FUCK i HATE... DESPISE.. and LOATHE being alone, on my own.
I cant go out. I'm stuck in this house that isnt mine in this room with my stuff that isnt mine. the walls are bare and blank and ugly fucking moss green, because i can't decorate because its not MY house. I'm all alone.
I have no friends in hamilton that are comfortable enough to just fucking chill with me. lay with me. whatever.
my dvd player and game systems got stolen. i can't entertain myself.
I can't play guitar. I'm actually intimidated by it because I suck at it. a) i have tiny tiny hands b) my guitar is practically bigger than I am. every time i play i feel like a child in her mother's clothes. it brings me no pleasure to play. I just get frustrated because i sound like shit and i can't read tabs very well. I read music perfectly, but I dont know what the notes are on a guitar. no one has the patience to teach me.
I'm miserable.
I honestly just want to cut a hold in my window screen up here in my attic room and jump the fuck out, and hope i land on the cement.
I can't even vent to anyone, you're all sick of me.
if i vent to dan, chances are ill hurt him and put him in a bad mood.
matty will tell me to suck it up.
evan doesnt give a shit. his patience is thin, and though he wont admit it, he hates me. he things im a lunatic and that im insane and therefore anything i say he disregards.
I will not vent to vanessa any more than i already have, because i dont want to abuse the friendship.
i have nothing to take pleasure in.
i have no hobbies--there is nothing that interests me.
i want to drive until i run out of road, or gas, whichever comes first. but i cant. no fucking car.
i want to surround myself in happy people and let the mood rub off on me. but i cant.
i am alone.
i am nothing.
i have nothing.
i want to crawl into someone else's bed and snuggle up to them and cry and just die in their arms.
i cant.
i am alone.
i am nothing.
i have nothing.
i have no one.
- i feel like a hobo. I have no ID, no money, no car.
my id = Me existing. my car = My solace, my escape. I could go anywhere.
because i have no car, i can't go anywhere. and because i have no money i cant go anywhere. because I can't pay bus fare, i cant pay for a cab, etc.
- I've gotten rid of almost all my clothes to Goodwill. i need new clothes because i gained so much weight, but i have no money to buy new clothes.
- This house is NOT my fucking home, no matter what i do to it.
- I'm depressed. I am completely, and utterly alone. my dad and sharon are in their own little world of renovations and wedding preparations.
I feel lazy. but I'm too tired and too weak to do anything because the thought of food makes me want to puke, so i can't eat.
I'm crying all the time.
I want to put my fist through someone's face. mainly the asshat that stole my car.
- Nothing is being done about my car. It got stolen, nothing is happening.
- I can't go visit anyone, I cant get there. I live halfway between the north end and stoney creek and to see ANYONE i have to travel. no car. no money for bus. again.
- No one can come visit me. dad and sharon are "renovating". so they laid down a no visitors rule. Fuck you dad, and fuck you sharon. no one my age gives a flying shit what our house looks like.
- My birthday is in a little over a week. woop de fucking do. I have no money to buy drinks even though im turning 19, I have no ID to prove im 19. I havnt gotten any cards in the mail from family like i usually do.
- I could die up here and i really wouldnt fucking CARE.
- i need a haircut. its disgusting how my hair looks. but i have no money.
- I need to dye my hair, my roots and general colour makes me want to puke. I have no money for dye or to get it dyed.
- I am all the fuck alone. some suppressed memories came up recently. I used to be a compulsive liar when i was little. until like 12 or something like that. I used to get the soap in the mouth, the belt, etc because of it. And in order to cure it, my parents used solitary confinement.
you wonder why the FUCK i HATE... DESPISE.. and LOATHE being alone, on my own.
I cant go out. I'm stuck in this house that isnt mine in this room with my stuff that isnt mine. the walls are bare and blank and ugly fucking moss green, because i can't decorate because its not MY house. I'm all alone.
I have no friends in hamilton that are comfortable enough to just fucking chill with me. lay with me. whatever.
my dvd player and game systems got stolen. i can't entertain myself.
I can't play guitar. I'm actually intimidated by it because I suck at it. a) i have tiny tiny hands b) my guitar is practically bigger than I am. every time i play i feel like a child in her mother's clothes. it brings me no pleasure to play. I just get frustrated because i sound like shit and i can't read tabs very well. I read music perfectly, but I dont know what the notes are on a guitar. no one has the patience to teach me.
I'm miserable.
I honestly just want to cut a hold in my window screen up here in my attic room and jump the fuck out, and hope i land on the cement.
I can't even vent to anyone, you're all sick of me.
if i vent to dan, chances are ill hurt him and put him in a bad mood.
matty will tell me to suck it up.
evan doesnt give a shit. his patience is thin, and though he wont admit it, he hates me. he things im a lunatic and that im insane and therefore anything i say he disregards.
I will not vent to vanessa any more than i already have, because i dont want to abuse the friendship.
i have nothing to take pleasure in.
i have no hobbies--there is nothing that interests me.
i want to drive until i run out of road, or gas, whichever comes first. but i cant. no fucking car.
i want to surround myself in happy people and let the mood rub off on me. but i cant.
i am alone.
i am nothing.
i have nothing.
i want to crawl into someone else's bed and snuggle up to them and cry and just die in their arms.
i cant.
i am alone.
i am nothing.
i have nothing.
i have no one.