fuck this
5:19 AM and I can't sleep.
It's been a week (though not to the hour) since DSS took Steve away. I haven't heard from him, and it's been really painful. I have been affected by mood swings more violent than usual (going from super-peppy to angry to sobbing), dulled emotions and a constant feeling of numbed boredom/pointlessness, a lacking of the ability to look at couples, and insomnia that worsens each night. At first it was the usual stupid crap--2:00, maybe 3:00 AM--but it's becoming later and later. It seems since yesterday (when I finally managed to fall asleep at 6:30, though I'd tried an hour earlier) that I can only sleep when the sun is shining, and as it's raining today, this worries me.
Today was an okay day otherwise. I went to see Mission Impossible 3 with Sam, Conor and Conor's girlfriend Nicki (I hope I spelled that right). I cried when main character guy's wife was taken (because I am a damaged little pansy), but it was a really good movie. Pirates of the Carribean 2 comes out on July 7th, and maybe Steve will be back by then, and we can see it together. It looked REALLY GOOD. So did The Break Up, but that's already out, and I want to see it with Steve. . .
I break down crying when I think of how easy it was to see him when he was here. I already can't remember so well his smell, or the softness of his skin, or the taste of his kiss. Even his gorgeous eyes are a blurred memory. . . if I could just hear his voice, if I could just know that he was alright, I don't think this would hurt so much.
I hate it because I know I am completely helpless, a feeling I've known all too well, and I don't know for how long or how helpless I really am.
5:28 AM - I'm going to try to sleep again.
It's been a week (though not to the hour) since DSS took Steve away. I haven't heard from him, and it's been really painful. I have been affected by mood swings more violent than usual (going from super-peppy to angry to sobbing), dulled emotions and a constant feeling of numbed boredom/pointlessness, a lacking of the ability to look at couples, and insomnia that worsens each night. At first it was the usual stupid crap--2:00, maybe 3:00 AM--but it's becoming later and later. It seems since yesterday (when I finally managed to fall asleep at 6:30, though I'd tried an hour earlier) that I can only sleep when the sun is shining, and as it's raining today, this worries me.
Today was an okay day otherwise. I went to see Mission Impossible 3 with Sam, Conor and Conor's girlfriend Nicki (I hope I spelled that right). I cried when main character guy's wife was taken (because I am a damaged little pansy), but it was a really good movie. Pirates of the Carribean 2 comes out on July 7th, and maybe Steve will be back by then, and we can see it together. It looked REALLY GOOD. So did The Break Up, but that's already out, and I want to see it with Steve. . .
I break down crying when I think of how easy it was to see him when he was here. I already can't remember so well his smell, or the softness of his skin, or the taste of his kiss. Even his gorgeous eyes are a blurred memory. . . if I could just hear his voice, if I could just know that he was alright, I don't think this would hurt so much.
I hate it because I know I am completely helpless, a feeling I've known all too well, and I don't know for how long or how helpless I really am.
5:28 AM - I'm going to try to sleep again.