And the anger turns

[kawaiikes]

And the anger turns to heartache. I try to eat my dessert but the chocolate sauce makes me sick. I’m waiting for the phone to ring. I’ve been waiting for how long now? I’ve lost track of time. I’m not sure if it’s been twenty minutes, half an hour, an hour. All I know now is the familiar echo of Microsoft Word’s automated “saving your file” bells, voices blurred from outside, and the wind and crickets. I want to go somewhere but at the same time I don’t. What if Steve calls? What if it’s about something important and I miss it? I just want to hear the phone’s short tinkling rings, to snatch it off the hook and tell Steve I love him but I need to go out. I want to go to the internet café and temporarily regain contact with the world outside of New Hampshire.

I want to buy manga, a game for dad’s laptop, a new CD to listen to; anything. Anything to get in another hour of amusement. Any way to keep my mind occupied for the shortest amount of time so I won’t start crying again.

Is this the way life is supposed to be?

Sixteen minutes and my rage is pain.