Fucking WORST DaY EVER! IM NOT HOME! I RAN AWAY!! >.
So here it goes. I decided that i wanted to crash and burn with Matt, and get my body back on track so i can get organized and do my work and stuff. So last night after the Prom fashion show, my mom is Driving me NUTS! She kept hovering around me, and like fricken being obnoxious and i really was on the verge of just strangling her! There are reasons why i keep my emotions inside when i'm at home, because my parents cant fucking DEAL with it! GOSH!!!! So my body's "tweakin" and has been for like 3 weaks and i just want to crash and burn and the only one who can allow me to do that is Matt. But i cant pass out at his house because my dad would literally MURDER me. ITs FUCKING lame! Its like i have to be this SUPERhuman for the whole entire family. And i have pretty much had to do that all my life. They always have to "count" on me to be "normal" well God damnit im HUMAN too!!! ROAR. So if i have problems and i try to discuss the prob, i pretty much cant! thats why music is me. Its how i deal with things because if they come out, my mom has this HUGE need to "cradle her 'baby'" and i swear to GOD im going to either 1). Punch/shoot myself in the face 2) punch/slam/or shoot my moms face or 3) just kill us both in a full fledge knock out drag out war!!!!! >.<
So... my "stress free day" was FUCKING STRESSFUL! My mom could not leave me be and shes flitting around like some humming bird and I dont need that when my body is already buzzing with adrenaline. IM SO SICK OF BEING MY FAMILYS ESCAPE GOAT FOR THEIR DENIAL!!! IM sick of FEELING NUMB!!! WAAHAHHHHHH!!! FUCKING, FUCKED UP, DISFUNCTIONAL, PIECE OF CRAP, MOTHER FRICKEN, SELFISH ASS BASTARDS! iM THE ONLY ONE WHO HAS FOUND GOD THROUGH ALL THE PROBLEMS AND IM THE ONLY ONE WHO ACTUALLY HAS SOME FRICKEN GOSH DAMN EMOTIONS AND FEELINGS!!!! IM SICK OF HAVING TO BE SO PERFECT FOR THE SAKE OF MY FAMILYS WELLBEING!!!! So it took me 5 hours to fricken burn a CD cause im already ADD enough right now, and when im home, i cant even wind down cause my parents are so fricken wound up and im STRESSED OUT!
SO I RAN AWAY! im not kidding. i packed my bags, filled up the bed in Matts truck to the brim with everything that means something to me. I dont care about materialistic things. I just want them to be high quality, last me a long time, and something that i NEED in life and CANT live without. So i go every guitar, every camera, all my paintings, everything CD i own almost, cleared off my desk and just booked. i fucking hate my home. im miserable there. So ill be here at MAtts for the remainder of school. I cant focus on getting better mentally, and physically, if no one will let me freak out and be fricken me! I HATE MY PARENTS! why cant they find God and find some peace in their fricken lives so they can let me LIVE MINE! So im done. i will not go back. Not until the divorce is final. im sick of being in the middle of every problem and have my family pulling on each limb like im some rag doll! IM SICK OF IT! FUCK THEM. Matts house is like my holy place. Its like heaven. Its where i can be me! and let loose and chill and just be fricken me! anyway his parents are leaving tomorrow for Florida, and they'll be gone for a week and a half. So i just dont really want to be left alone, so i REAALLY need my friends right now. Ill be back at school but i just have to get some sleep and deal with my sore throat and shaky body.
Ill be ok now. i can get better and join you all. Im excited! I love MAtthew and his Family. BUT especially Matthew because he fell in love with me while i laid in ruins in every possible way. He fell in love with me. He sees me how all my friends see me at school. Happy to be there even if im dying inside... anyway im gonna go now. lol matts waiting for me to come lay with him.. i love you guys... i cant be strong right now, i just feel like crawling in a whole dying. At Least this time there are people around my hole offering their hand to me. LOL SO IM OUT! I RAN AWAY! AND IM STAYING AWAY TILL I GRADUATE and then im going to the UP and my parents can go at it all they want cause i dont care anymore. i need to care about me and my friends and just want i want! HA!
sigh.... -_-... :( (guess i never thought i would ever have to run away..) I couldnt have without matthew tho! God hes my everything . my other half. where would i be right now with out him???
So... my "stress free day" was FUCKING STRESSFUL! My mom could not leave me be and shes flitting around like some humming bird and I dont need that when my body is already buzzing with adrenaline. IM SO SICK OF BEING MY FAMILYS ESCAPE GOAT FOR THEIR DENIAL!!! IM sick of FEELING NUMB!!! WAAHAHHHHHH!!! FUCKING, FUCKED UP, DISFUNCTIONAL, PIECE OF CRAP, MOTHER FRICKEN, SELFISH ASS BASTARDS! iM THE ONLY ONE WHO HAS FOUND GOD THROUGH ALL THE PROBLEMS AND IM THE ONLY ONE WHO ACTUALLY HAS SOME FRICKEN GOSH DAMN EMOTIONS AND FEELINGS!!!! IM SICK OF HAVING TO BE SO PERFECT FOR THE SAKE OF MY FAMILYS WELLBEING!!!! So it took me 5 hours to fricken burn a CD cause im already ADD enough right now, and when im home, i cant even wind down cause my parents are so fricken wound up and im STRESSED OUT!
SO I RAN AWAY! im not kidding. i packed my bags, filled up the bed in Matts truck to the brim with everything that means something to me. I dont care about materialistic things. I just want them to be high quality, last me a long time, and something that i NEED in life and CANT live without. So i go every guitar, every camera, all my paintings, everything CD i own almost, cleared off my desk and just booked. i fucking hate my home. im miserable there. So ill be here at MAtts for the remainder of school. I cant focus on getting better mentally, and physically, if no one will let me freak out and be fricken me! I HATE MY PARENTS! why cant they find God and find some peace in their fricken lives so they can let me LIVE MINE! So im done. i will not go back. Not until the divorce is final. im sick of being in the middle of every problem and have my family pulling on each limb like im some rag doll! IM SICK OF IT! FUCK THEM. Matts house is like my holy place. Its like heaven. Its where i can be me! and let loose and chill and just be fricken me! anyway his parents are leaving tomorrow for Florida, and they'll be gone for a week and a half. So i just dont really want to be left alone, so i REAALLY need my friends right now. Ill be back at school but i just have to get some sleep and deal with my sore throat and shaky body.
Ill be ok now. i can get better and join you all. Im excited! I love MAtthew and his Family. BUT especially Matthew because he fell in love with me while i laid in ruins in every possible way. He fell in love with me. He sees me how all my friends see me at school. Happy to be there even if im dying inside... anyway im gonna go now. lol matts waiting for me to come lay with him.. i love you guys... i cant be strong right now, i just feel like crawling in a whole dying. At Least this time there are people around my hole offering their hand to me. LOL SO IM OUT! I RAN AWAY! AND IM STAYING AWAY TILL I GRADUATE and then im going to the UP and my parents can go at it all they want cause i dont care anymore. i need to care about me and my friends and just want i want! HA!
sigh.... -_-... :( (guess i never thought i would ever have to run away..) I couldnt have without matthew tho! God hes my everything . my other half. where would i be right now with out him???