(no subject)
Today... went bizarrely.
I was at work at 11 when I got a call from Shayne, and he left a message. Maybe it was intuition, maybe it was paranoia, maybe it was just a matter of course, but I knew what was up before I even listened to the message.
Fast- forward an hour and 20 minutes. Anxiety increasing, Shayne meets me at the UMC, and after some prompting, he says simply, "I know." I knew what he meant but didn't want to play games, so I made him say. He "knew about Chase," Chase had admitted to things a couple days before. So I talked to Shayne about it, albeit not in the most calm, unemotional of manners. I felt really put on the spot, and like I was having to rehash something I've pretty much decided to let fade away until a time if/ when CHASE ever wanted to talk about it. So it was hard, and Shayne bailed on me while it was still way too intense and awkward.
I did something I'd decided I wouldn't do, and went outside to call Chase. I was initially angry that he'd told, but it was only because it caught me off guard and all. He and I both needed to get it out eventually... anyway... Chase picked up, and I talked to him about the whole thing and then some for ten minutes or so. Told him about how Shayne had put me on the spot, told him about what I told Shayne, etc. It was an odd situation, all things considered. We talked about how everything went down, where we both were, and so on and so forth. He gave me his analysis of our situation and how it panned out, and while I don't totally agree with the assessment, it was interesting to hear.
It was just... an odd conversation. I mean... we admitted we're both having problems regarding relationships, and we both have a lot of future planning to do. I told him honestly that I cared and that I really had trouble closing the door completely, but I probably wouldn't contact him again. That if he came to a point where he wanted to talk about something, or look into having a friendship, I'd entertain that possibility, but that I was fully aware of the fact that I may never actually speak to him again and that I had accepted that possibility. I honestly think that all I could do right now was talk on the phone. I hate the email thing, when it's the only means of contact, so... yeah.
When we got off the phone it was "funny" because I usually finish a call by saying "talk to you later," and then "bye," so I had to think of something else to say. The next "funny" thing was that as I turned and headed back into the UMC after the call, who should be entering at the same time but Chase. I called his name, and we commented in 1 or 2 words about the run- in and then went our separate ways.
Afterward I hung with my friends Shane (no Y) and Deb for a bit and just went home. Besides work today, I went to no classes. Shayne had called me back when I was hanging with Shane, so I called him back when I got home. Went into some things, talked about where we were coming from, why what happened happened. I feel like when everything went down, all parties involved had the best of intentions, but were in a horrifically dysfunctional situation. Everyone also lost a lot. I care about Shayne, but truly, Chase was always the one who I was most invested in. For better or worse. It all makes a lot more sense now, and I feel like I've come a long way in the the interim period, but I won't deny the fact that it's still a subject that's less than comfortable at times. But really (and I told this to all the people I talked to today), discussing it with Shayne today (and Chase too) provided some strange closure that I didn't know was still needed. It got things out in the open, removed the final deception, and it seemed like it was the last piece of unfinished business. I feel a lot more calm and comfortable because of the conversations I had today, and I feel tremendously relieved by that. It's all been tied up, coincidentally one year to the day after Shayne and I started dating. The slate has been wiped clean. I feel free, hopeful, and open to possibilities.
On to other things...
Michael brought me some more music today. He's my Tool/ APC fan coworker, and I gave him some CDs to burn cool stuff onto. Last time he brought me Tool: Salival, and today be brought me Isis: Oceanic and Dredg: El Cielo. Whether it's accurate or not, I like to gain insight into people through their choices of music. So far, though... I'm at a loss. He's a cool guy (even though he's not overly vocal), and I like the music, so... yeah. It's interesting. I haven't listened to Dredg yet, but I'm listening to Isis right now and it's like Prog Rock background music. Mostly instrumental, punctuated occasionally with yelling, but the yelling is so secondary to the music that I don't mind it. So... yeah.
It's freezing, and I haven't eaten anything worth mentioning since early this afternoon. It'd just be nice to have something warm in my belly. Tonight everyone's really busy, so I'm probably just going to stay in and read, and probably clean the rest of my room.
Oh well, I'm on it!
I was at work at 11 when I got a call from Shayne, and he left a message. Maybe it was intuition, maybe it was paranoia, maybe it was just a matter of course, but I knew what was up before I even listened to the message.
Fast- forward an hour and 20 minutes. Anxiety increasing, Shayne meets me at the UMC, and after some prompting, he says simply, "I know." I knew what he meant but didn't want to play games, so I made him say. He "knew about Chase," Chase had admitted to things a couple days before. So I talked to Shayne about it, albeit not in the most calm, unemotional of manners. I felt really put on the spot, and like I was having to rehash something I've pretty much decided to let fade away until a time if/ when CHASE ever wanted to talk about it. So it was hard, and Shayne bailed on me while it was still way too intense and awkward.
I did something I'd decided I wouldn't do, and went outside to call Chase. I was initially angry that he'd told, but it was only because it caught me off guard and all. He and I both needed to get it out eventually... anyway... Chase picked up, and I talked to him about the whole thing and then some for ten minutes or so. Told him about how Shayne had put me on the spot, told him about what I told Shayne, etc. It was an odd situation, all things considered. We talked about how everything went down, where we both were, and so on and so forth. He gave me his analysis of our situation and how it panned out, and while I don't totally agree with the assessment, it was interesting to hear.
It was just... an odd conversation. I mean... we admitted we're both having problems regarding relationships, and we both have a lot of future planning to do. I told him honestly that I cared and that I really had trouble closing the door completely, but I probably wouldn't contact him again. That if he came to a point where he wanted to talk about something, or look into having a friendship, I'd entertain that possibility, but that I was fully aware of the fact that I may never actually speak to him again and that I had accepted that possibility. I honestly think that all I could do right now was talk on the phone. I hate the email thing, when it's the only means of contact, so... yeah.
When we got off the phone it was "funny" because I usually finish a call by saying "talk to you later," and then "bye," so I had to think of something else to say. The next "funny" thing was that as I turned and headed back into the UMC after the call, who should be entering at the same time but Chase. I called his name, and we commented in 1 or 2 words about the run- in and then went our separate ways.
Afterward I hung with my friends Shane (no Y) and Deb for a bit and just went home. Besides work today, I went to no classes. Shayne had called me back when I was hanging with Shane, so I called him back when I got home. Went into some things, talked about where we were coming from, why what happened happened. I feel like when everything went down, all parties involved had the best of intentions, but were in a horrifically dysfunctional situation. Everyone also lost a lot. I care about Shayne, but truly, Chase was always the one who I was most invested in. For better or worse. It all makes a lot more sense now, and I feel like I've come a long way in the the interim period, but I won't deny the fact that it's still a subject that's less than comfortable at times. But really (and I told this to all the people I talked to today), discussing it with Shayne today (and Chase too) provided some strange closure that I didn't know was still needed. It got things out in the open, removed the final deception, and it seemed like it was the last piece of unfinished business. I feel a lot more calm and comfortable because of the conversations I had today, and I feel tremendously relieved by that. It's all been tied up, coincidentally one year to the day after Shayne and I started dating. The slate has been wiped clean. I feel free, hopeful, and open to possibilities.
On to other things...
Michael brought me some more music today. He's my Tool/ APC fan coworker, and I gave him some CDs to burn cool stuff onto. Last time he brought me Tool: Salival, and today be brought me Isis: Oceanic and Dredg: El Cielo. Whether it's accurate or not, I like to gain insight into people through their choices of music. So far, though... I'm at a loss. He's a cool guy (even though he's not overly vocal), and I like the music, so... yeah. It's interesting. I haven't listened to Dredg yet, but I'm listening to Isis right now and it's like Prog Rock background music. Mostly instrumental, punctuated occasionally with yelling, but the yelling is so secondary to the music that I don't mind it. So... yeah.
It's freezing, and I haven't eaten anything worth mentioning since early this afternoon. It'd just be nice to have something warm in my belly. Tonight everyone's really busy, so I'm probably just going to stay in and read, and probably clean the rest of my room.
Oh well, I'm on it!