New Year - New... Something
3:39am, 1/16/2013
So, I'm not entirely certain I believe I'd ever be alive in 2013. Then again, I can remember being 9 years old and thinking that the year 2000 was a LONG TIME AWAY.
I never use to look beyond my nose for some things.
I was born in the Military - on a military base - in a military hospital - by a military doctor.
I was treated for grandmal seizures, when I didn't have them. They treated me with this medication called Valproic Acid, also known as Depakote
http://www.drugs.com/mtm/valproic-acid.html
A little boy, born the same day as me, was also treated for Grandmal Seizures with the same medication. He died after 2 weeks of treatment.
Somehow I magically survived. HOWEVER, after the seizures stopped, the doctors found out that the cause of the seizures was my brain was squeezed during a very difficult birth. Both sides of my brain were working at the same level.
Then, as I grew, I developed multiple health issues. Pneumonia, Asthma (as a result of the Pneumonia as a baby), Chicken Pox - TWICE. The second time inside and outside of my body. Multiple Ear Infections, and repeated kidney and bladder infections.
My kidneys got so bad that they put me on this medication called Septra for 6 months to see if it would help my kidneys start working - otherwise at the age of 5 I would have been on Dialysis and on the transplant list, because my Kidneys were not working.
http://www.drugs.com/septra.html. Back in the 80's/90's it was used a lot to treat UTI and Kidney Infections.
I remember, very very vaguely, being in the hospital for Pneumonia and my Kindergarten teacher bringing me a card my fellow classmates had made for me. Mom was very scared that I was going to die.
My mom is a sweet heart, even though I nearly killed her at birth. She had a hole in heart during pregnancy, and hemorrhaged and had a heart attack at birth. I was almost a miscarry, as she'd miscarried twice. I was, and still am, very lucky to be alive. I'm also very lucky that my mom lived. For the first 7 days of my life she couldn't touch me. She couldn't hold me, feed me, anything. My dad did that. He had to take a little bit of leave time, but he was with me. There was also this lady who stand over my crib a little old hispanic woman, mom said. She would stand over my crib and pray for hours on end. Mom always thought she was a nurse, so when we first left the hospital mom went to ask around for the nurse to thank her, but the other faculty said there was no nurse there by that name. Mom claims still, to this day, that she was an angel. I have a little wooden plague, in blue with whitish pink letters with the name "Rebecca" on it, that she left my crib.
My first word, at the age of 4 months old was book. Then Momma. Then daddy. The doctors believed I would never walk, never talk, due to everything that happened.
I walked at about... I want to say 15 months? I believe it's actually my first memory.
Yes, I remember that far back. I was in my mom's bedroom in Sicily, pulling myself up on the floor by the bed, I started to toddle a little bit, then mom walked in with a laundry basket, and then last thing I remember is throwing myself at her dresser. She says from there I bumped my head. Apparently I had this thing where I wouldn't walk in front of people?
In kindergarten I was the teachers pet -- er assistant. I knew how to read, I knew how to write, I was already working on my cursive. So when everybody else was taking naps, I would sit with my teacher and help her. They did tests on me. I tested with an IQ of 126, reading level of a 12th grader. They kept wanting to force me to skip grades. In Kindergarten it was to 1st, in 1st it was to second.. etc etc. They finally managed to do it, without my parents consent in 1st grade, for a semester. They bumped me up to 4th grade. I did just fine. I carried a B average. This ROYALLY pissed me off! I went from all As to Bs. WTF no. I would come home crying EVERY DAY because of my grades, mom finally found out half way through the year, and asked what was wrong, I told her I didn't want to be in 4th grade anymore. .....
She flipped the shit out. She stormed down to school, demanded to know why they skipped me without their permission then proceeded to royally rip them apart. They said it was because I wasn't challenged enough in 1st grade, they didn't have anything to do with me. I was so accelerated. Well, that backfired. I stopped doing my homework. And with dad being around more (because mom had a night time job as a bar tender) he would never make me do my homework.
So in my little dumb 8 year old mind, I thought I was so smart, sticking it to the man. I was a child prodigy that fucked myself over.
I then proceeded to spend the rest of my school career barely getting by because I felt I wasn't good enough. So at about the age of 10 I fell in to what could only be considered depression, but mom never believed me when I said I was always sad, and felt worthless. And as I got older, she put it off to puberty and raging emotions. By the time 11th grade rolled around I'd finally managed to surface enough for air before finally deciding to kill myself, that I was able to pull my grades around, however too little too late, I barely slid by with a B average. Oh sure, I was taking Piano lessons, and still ok in Choir, and was doing brilliantly in my lit/english/creative writing classes, but I was still...it was too late. I wasn't prepared for college.
Don't get me wrong, I did get my B averages, and I did have enough credits to graduate at the end of my Sophomore year in HS. I was offered a full ride scholarship to UW - White Water in Creative Writing. I had written an essay or a story and my English teacher at the time decided to enter it in to this workshop, and it was chosen. I respectfully declined the offer of course. I was (and still am a little) attached to my mom at the hip. At 16 I'd never even been home alone for more than a few hours at a crack, how could I ever move 5 and a half hours away to Whitewater Wisconsin and go to college!?
Well, I kind of regret it. Kind of.
But if I hadn't turned it down, I have to wonder where I'd be in life today. I know I wouldn't have met my husband, I wouldn't be friends with Liz... so close to any of the people I know today. So while I didn't go to Uni like I wanted to, and I will always kind of regret it a little, I'm glad I didn't, because I'm happy where I am in life - for the most part.
I realize that I make A LOT of mistakes. I say a lot of things I shouldn't, and do a lot of things I shouldn't.. but it's all a part of who I am. I wish I could fully accept it, and maybe one day I will.
For now I'll just pray that I don't fuck things up so bad with my friends or family that I end up really alone in life.
...
Yay random journal of doom..
off to bed it's now 4:04..