Hey...
Well, today sucked. In fact, most of last month sucked, too. First, I lied to Hannah about being scitzo, so I apparently choked her for fun or something... Second, I cheated on her. I don't know why I did. I think I was trying to replace her and the good times we had in real life. I've never ever cried as hard as I have been recently. I've been so fucked up. So has Hannah. I've done nothing but make her a wreck. I'm afraid to meet again, because I'm afraid I'll choke her again. God, I'm crying now. Hannah says I'm pitying myself, and I think she's right. Maybe I'm just some weak bastard, who knows? God, I choked her. She kisses the rain so it will get to me 2000 miles away. She said not to get sad when rain comes, because god is just sending me a kiss from her. I can't believe how nice she is to me. God, I can't fucking type. I'm too sad. She kisses the rain! Oh my god, I hate myself. I've done this to such an undeserving sweet heart. On neopets she bought me four sweetie candies and put them in a trade, with "For my sweetie" as the wishlist. How can I do this to her? I don't want to! I can't fucking help it! Everyone reading this can easily know how much of a fuck up I am. God, I've thrown up twice. Once before eating and just two minutes ago after eating. I'm so upset, and I'm doing nothing but making her more upset. I want to die. To stop hurting her. To stop hurting myself and everyone around me. I can't, though, because I can't leave Hannah behind. I can't make her that sad. I make her sad no matter what. I have to die, but I can't, you see?! I'm losing my mind! Recently, I've been speaking to the girl I cheated on Hannah with even though I promised I wouldn't. I've broke so many promises, and she's barely broken 3. If that. God, she's so perfect. I'm so full of flaws. I hate myself. I hate it! I can't be alone. I need to go to school, but it's too late. School has been out for about an hour now. I stayed home today because Hannah asked me to. I told her about talking to Catherine because when I'm alone, I get thoughts. My thoughts make me feel so bad, that I have to tell Hannah because the guilt kills me. I'm fucking going crazy. I can't stay home from school, it stops my thoughts. If I don't do anything bad, I won't have to worry. SHE KISSES THE RAIN! OH MY GOD! I need to fucking scream. There's blood dripping off of my chin from biting my lip so hard. The tears are mixing in the wound, and it stings, but it feels comforting. It lets me know there is other pain. Hannah, I'm sorry. I promise I'll kiss the rain. I really will. I swear. I'll do anything I can to kiss the next rain. ANYTHING! I'm breathing so heavy, I can't stop. I'm starting to get dizzy. God, Hannah, please let me make it up somehow. God, I'm screaming "Please". No one can hear me, the music is too loud. Oh my god, Hannah, please don't kiss the rain. Please don't even talk about it. It's making me want to die! I'm so sorry! I want to run right now. Just run as far and as fast as I can. I can't, though. Hannah PLEASE?! PLEASE LET ME MAKE IT UP! GOD I'LL DO ANYTHING! PLEASE?! PLEASE?! HANNAH! I'll kiss the rain... I will... I will, okay? I will. I promise. Please don't hate me. Please? I love you.