Hum
I have always held the belief that swimming is just about that hardest sport around. I know, I am hardly an unbaised judge, but I still think my opinion is valid. And it's not just the physical part of swimming that is so hard. Any sport that is taken to a high enought level can be physically taxing. Right now that part of swimming that is kicking my ass is the mental and emotional part. For those of you who are not swimmers, I know this sounds really trivial, but in some ways your mental attitude counts more than anything. Swimming is so hard because it is such an individual sport. At the end of the day, you are all alone in your lane. If you fuck up, then you and only you are completely and totally responsible for the result. Of course, if you succeed then you get full credit for that too. But as conference looms ever closer, I can't help but wish that I had a team to share the burden. This season, the feeling has just been building that this year is just a repeat of my junior and senior years in high school. Last year was like a dream. Everything went so perfectly, and it seemed so easy. Somehow I kind of assumed (or maybe just hoped) that this year would follow the same pattern. But it hasn't. Which is perfectly understandable. As Mark pointed out, you can't expect every season to be identical, and you may just have to work harder to get to the same place. The problem, though, is that I always work hard. I always have. I know that it is important to keep swimming in perspective, but especially when all I devote all my time to swimming-- like during winter term-- I can't help but invest my whole heart in it. That's just how I am. I hold nothing back. The thing about not holding any reserves is that if something goes wrong you have nothing to fall back on. There is nothing worse than throwing yourself wholly into something body and soul and failing miserably. Working your ass off is not a guarentee that you will swim well. Believe me, I know. And that's why I am so scared about conference. I just don't know if I am strong enough to go through that again.