It isn't wrong, but still it isn't right
Title: It isn't wrong, but still it isn't right
Word Count: 539
Characters: Anders/F!Hawke, previous Fenris/F!Hawke
Summary: Anders contemplates what his relationship with Hawke has become.
This fic was inspired by the song All She Said by Toad the Wet Sprocket. I think it captures a potential end to the Anders romance pretty well.
And she sleeps and dreams
Lord knows what
But it's not for me to be there
And she knows she isn't there for me
-All She Said, Toad the Wet Sprocket
“Good night,” she says as her lips brush against his temple, “don’t say up too late.”
Hawke no longer pleads with him to return to their room with her. More nights than not, the morning light wakes Anders at his desk. There will be a tray with a warm pot of tea and some pastries waiting nearby. A neatly folded note will let him know if she’s gone out.
“I love you.”
“I love you too,” she smiles back before closing the library door.
Anders can’t pin point when the words became nothing more than a hollow litany between them. Maker knows he cares for her, but whatever is left between them is a mere fragment of what had been.
Why does Hawke stay? Her sister is gone, her mother killed by the worst of his kind. This isn’t her fight. Still she reads and re-reads his manifesto; neat arrows and writing in the margins temper Justice’s...his...angry words.
This task will consume him. When Hawke reminds him that he needs to eat and sleep, he knows she’s speaking more to Justice than himself. She is trying to reason with the restless spirit inside, to remind him that his host is only a mortal man. It is her small way of trying to help her friend, the man she loved.
***
Tonight Anders follows shortly after she leaves him. Half asleep, Hawke snuggles beside him and rests her head on his chest. Soon her breathing evens out and her eyes begin to twitch behind their lids, her lips form a familiar name.
The first time she said Fenris’ name in her sleep he ignored it. The second time Anders woke her up, but Hawke’s startled blue eyes cooled any anger he might have had.
“It sounded like you were having a nightmare.” It was a lie.
“Yes, just a bad dream,” but Hawke was betrayed by the blush that colored her cheeks. After that he simply did nothing.
He had been there for her when the elf left. Whatever happened between those two was over, of that Anders was sure. She never mentioned it, never threw it in his face when he chose another evening hunched over his parchment instead of in her arms. Even now Hawke assures him that she will stay by his side, no matter what. She has no idea what is coming though; he will not hold her to that when the time comes.
What will happen then? He feels certain that one way or another, it will be the end for him. Will she go back to Him? Perhaps Fenris will give her the calm and happiness he cannot and Anders will be relegated to a footnote in their romance.
***
Hawke turns away from him in her sleep and buries her face in her pillows. He brushes his fingers over her hair and along her slender shoulders. She is beautiful. He should thank the Maker for the strength she has given him over the years. He should treasure their time together, well aware of the chaos that will soon descend.
Anders quietly slips out of the room and returns to the library to continue his work.
Word Count: 539
Characters: Anders/F!Hawke, previous Fenris/F!Hawke
Summary: Anders contemplates what his relationship with Hawke has become.
This fic was inspired by the song All She Said by Toad the Wet Sprocket. I think it captures a potential end to the Anders romance pretty well.
And she sleeps and dreams
Lord knows what
But it's not for me to be there
And she knows she isn't there for me
-All She Said, Toad the Wet Sprocket
“Good night,” she says as her lips brush against his temple, “don’t say up too late.”
Hawke no longer pleads with him to return to their room with her. More nights than not, the morning light wakes Anders at his desk. There will be a tray with a warm pot of tea and some pastries waiting nearby. A neatly folded note will let him know if she’s gone out.
“I love you.”
“I love you too,” she smiles back before closing the library door.
Anders can’t pin point when the words became nothing more than a hollow litany between them. Maker knows he cares for her, but whatever is left between them is a mere fragment of what had been.
Why does Hawke stay? Her sister is gone, her mother killed by the worst of his kind. This isn’t her fight. Still she reads and re-reads his manifesto; neat arrows and writing in the margins temper Justice’s...his...angry words.
This task will consume him. When Hawke reminds him that he needs to eat and sleep, he knows she’s speaking more to Justice than himself. She is trying to reason with the restless spirit inside, to remind him that his host is only a mortal man. It is her small way of trying to help her friend, the man she loved.
***
Tonight Anders follows shortly after she leaves him. Half asleep, Hawke snuggles beside him and rests her head on his chest. Soon her breathing evens out and her eyes begin to twitch behind their lids, her lips form a familiar name.
The first time she said Fenris’ name in her sleep he ignored it. The second time Anders woke her up, but Hawke’s startled blue eyes cooled any anger he might have had.
“It sounded like you were having a nightmare.” It was a lie.
“Yes, just a bad dream,” but Hawke was betrayed by the blush that colored her cheeks. After that he simply did nothing.
He had been there for her when the elf left. Whatever happened between those two was over, of that Anders was sure. She never mentioned it, never threw it in his face when he chose another evening hunched over his parchment instead of in her arms. Even now Hawke assures him that she will stay by his side, no matter what. She has no idea what is coming though; he will not hold her to that when the time comes.
What will happen then? He feels certain that one way or another, it will be the end for him. Will she go back to Him? Perhaps Fenris will give her the calm and happiness he cannot and Anders will be relegated to a footnote in their romance.
***
Hawke turns away from him in her sleep and buries her face in her pillows. He brushes his fingers over her hair and along her slender shoulders. She is beautiful. He should thank the Maker for the strength she has given him over the years. He should treasure their time together, well aware of the chaos that will soon descend.
Anders quietly slips out of the room and returns to the library to continue his work.